


In Sight

by thegeekgene



Series: In Name [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Petstuck, Reverse Petstuck, humans as pets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-04-05 08:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4173321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegeekgene/pseuds/thegeekgene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of In The Family, Dirk continues to make and execute plans. Some of them go well. Some of them end up in court.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the third and probably final installment of the In Name series! Thank you all for bearing with me for so long and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks especially to my beta, quietserval, who has been awesome and helpful.

The problem is not that Equius doesn't want him. Dirk knows that. Equius said he wanted him and Dirk doesn't think anyone with that much sweat running off them is actually capable of lying. 

The problem is that Equius doesn't trust him. Or, equally possible, that Equius doesn't trust himself. There's a reason that Equius will barely hold his hand and Dirk needs to find out what it is. Dirk is almost ten sweeps old; this softly-softly, never less than completely chaste thing is not working for him.

And, between Dave and the social justice movement that began with Dave, Dirk is just too damn busy for any fancy detective beastshit so he just kinda – asks.

“You don't trust me,” he says one morning, in Equius's workshop, watching him put the finishing touches on another dozen strifebots.

A shriek of metal and a rain of sparks and there are dozen minus one strifebots. Well, the bot is still there, Dirk supposes, but it's gonna need some serious TLC before it can again stand proud with its brethren.

“Or,” Dirk continues, ignoring the metallic carnage and the wiggler-rated curses Equius is now muttering over it, “you don't trust yourself. I'm not sure which it is. Hell, it might be both. But one way or the other there is a serious lack of trust going on between you and me and I feel like we should have a talk about it.”

Equius stops muttering but his eyes stay fixed on the bot.

“I don't know what you mean,” he says.

“Weak.” Dirk hops off the work table to go over to Equius and puts a hand on his shoulder – about level with his temple and damp to the touch. “Come on, big guy. Look at me.”

Equius doesn't move.

“I could make it an order,” Dirk offers.

Equius shifts.

“You have no standing to do such a thing,” he said. “Matesprits operate on a plane of equality.” But he still turns around.

“Matesprits.” Dirk moves his hand to the other shoulder when Equius faces him, just to feel the smooth gray skin, the sweat-soaked material of his tanktop. “So you do consider us matesprits.”

“I – yes.” More sweat. “Unless you have some objection?”

Dirk shakes his head. “Nope. No objection here. But I had been wondering. Because I'm no expert – that shit's more Karkat’s department – but I thought being somebody's matesprit involved, you know, touching them. On occasion.”

He slid his hand down to rest in the center of Equius's chest, cooler than a human, firm, and damp with ever-present perspiration. Equius covers Dirk's hand with his own, a smile tugging the corners of his lips.

“Dirk, I believe we are – ah – touching. Right now.”

“Pf,” Dirk says. “Don't play dumb, man, it doesn't suit you. We've been doing this flush thing for a few perigees, now, and you've kissed me a grand total of twice.” He licks his lips. “Don't you want to kiss me, Equius? It'd be a great way to shut me up if I get too lewd for you.”

Equius's eyes flicker from his eyes to his mouth and back again. Dirk can't read his face. It's not something that happens much -- Equius is easy to read, once you know him -- but he doesn't detect any distress.

“I would,” Equius says and folds his other hand over Dirk's as well, engulfing it, “very much enjoy kissing you. But there are – safety concerns.”

Dirk raises his free hand, brushes gentle fingertips up the side of Equius's neck. Equius stands very still and Dirk knows who he doesn't trust.

“Think you're too strong for me, huh?”

“I would never suggest that you were not yourself STRONG.” Equius can't seem to help saying it a little too loud, any more than Dirk can help smiling when he does.

“Course not,” Dirk says. He glances towards the bots. “Those for personal use?”

Equius blinks. He thinks Dirk is changing the subject, not pushing the issue. That's cute. Naive, but cute.

“Well – yes. I have made some adjustments to the design based in part on the suggestions you made at our last rendezvous. Would you like to – ?”

“Fight them,” Dirk says. “I'd like to fight them. All of them.” He gives a pointed look to the bot damaged at the start of their conversation. “Cept maybe mono-arm, here. I'd feel bad taking him down.”

“Dirk,” Equius says, alarm evident in his face. “I don't think – these strifebots  were designed to withstand – ”

“I know what they're designed to withstand.” Dirk pulls free from Equius's hands and folds his arms across his chest. “I helped design them. I know what they're capable of, plus or minus a round of mods, and I know I can take them. No,” he says, when Equius opens his mouth to speak. “No, listen. You're my matesprit, not my moirail, so I'm not gonna try talking you through your neuroses. Nepeta's been doing it for sweeps and she's barely left a dent.” This is both unfair and untrue but it gets his point across. “It'll take sweeps more to get you to trust yourself enough to actually touch me. But I don't have sweeps. I'm your matesprit and I want you now.”

Equius is sweating so hard it's beginning to make darker patches on his shorts.

“I don't – Dirk, I – But how will – the robots – ?”

“You're afraid you'll slip up and hurt me,” Dirk says. “I'm not gonna be able to talk you out of that. But I think I can prove I'm not gonna break even if you do slip.”

“Um.”

He looks good like that, damp and bewildered, flushed blue. He looks so good Dirk can't resist grabbing a handful of thick, lustrous hair and dragging him into kissing range.

It's only their third kiss and barely harder than the first two. Their tongues brush but only just. There's heat there, though. Dirk can feel it, in himself and in Equius in the instant before he remembers to pull back.

But pull back he does and Dirk lets him go with a smile. Equius looks stunned.

Dirk decaptchalogues his katana.

“Turn the bots on,” he says. “And none of that Safety Mode beastshit. I command it.” 

 

The cape Samy made for Dave is really fucking quality; Eridan can admit that even if the color still exasperates him. It's a brighter red than human blood, with a warm, plush lining and satiny shell and fits with room to grow. She promised them a place at the top of her commission queue if they ever needed another and Eridan paid her well over the paltry sum she requested. In addition to the flailing thanks Samy herself sent when the money hit her account, her lusus, Janara, e-mailed with appreciation.

 _We do what we can but Social Conditioning forces Her to see Herself as less worthy than if She had been a Troll_ , she wrote in part. _She's spent Her whole Life undervaluing Herself and Positive Reinforcement from People other than Denbry and Myself means the World to Her. It's good to know our Cause has an Ally like You._

All of which makes Eridan feel nice but weird.

“I paid for what I got,” he tells Cronus on the pile in his respiteblock, once Dave is tucked into his platform for the night. “Like fuck was I gonna rip the kid off. Did you see that shit, it was like twelve stitches to the inch and she did it by hand.”

“Ya did somethin' good, Eri,” Cronus says, propped on one elbow beside Eridan's comfortable sprawl. “Say 'you're welcome' an’ move on. No need to make a production outta it.”

“You're one to talk about productions,” Eridan grumbles and purples in the fins when Cronus ducks down to kiss his temple.

“Yeah, I am an upright expert at 'em,” Cronus agrees. “Good thing I got you to keep me in line, right?”

“Damn straight,” Eridan agrees. “Speakin' a you – ”

“My favorite topic.”

“I been talkin' to Kar about it and we think it's high time you got yourself a matesprit.”

Cronus, playing with the waves of hair around Eridan’s horn, snorts.

“Easier said that done, kid. We both know I'm a grade A catch here, but the philistines in this burg? I'm liable to be swingin' the flush bachelor life forever.”

“Sharkshit,” Eridan says. “Since when are you some kinda candy-ass defeatist?”

“My ass is pretty sweet. Want a taste?”

Eridan punches him, but gently. “No flush flirting in the pile,” he says. “An' also, ew.”

“Your loss,” Cronus says but he sounds comfortable, at ease. He doesn't say anything else, just continues fiddling with Eridan's hair. He might be braiding it.

Eridan considers the matter. He'd been stretching it when he said Kar was on board with finding somebody for him. Shouty little bastard had conceded, under pressure, it might do him some good, but remained stubbornly against any match-making.

“If he wants to find someone he can do it himfuckingself,” he'd said. “After the clusterfuck with Kankri I wouldn't blame him if he just sat out the whole damn quadrant for the rest of his preposterously long lifespan.”

Reminders of his own longevity bothered Eridan and the conversation had ended there.

“Is this about the Kankri thing?” He feels Cronus's fingers go still and rushes on. “Cause, I mean, I get that, it was a shitty experience and I won't push it if you wanna hang back from the red shit for a while, I just don't want you to give up, ya know? Vantas Senior ain't worth that.”

Slowly, Cronus begins his fiddling again.

“I guess,” he says. “Maybe. I ain't pinin' or anythin' but I still think about him. Just like rememberin', ya know? The good shit. An that's nice but then I get to the bad shit and I'm like – I dunno. It's all kind of a mess. So maybe I do just need to hang back for a while. Sorry if that wrecks your yenta plans.”

“The fuck's a yenta?” Eridan asks.

“I dunno. Ask Dirk, he's the one who said it. If we're done talkin' about my damage, now, there's somethin' I wanted to ask you.”

“Depends. Is it about my damage? Cause' honest to gog, Cro, we're limited to one Ampora damage conversation per pile. It's in the rules.”

“Fishshit it is. An' no, it ain't, though I'm tempted to come up with somethin' now. It's about Davey.”

Eridan blinks.

“Oh, sure, then. Hit me.”

Cronus punched him in the shoulder. Eridan punched back and the ensuing scuffle ended with their positions reversed, Cronus on his back, Eridan propped over him.

“You need to trim your claws, Eri.”

“Troll up. What about Dave?”

“Ah. Right.” Cronus stretches out his legs and links his fingers on his stomach. “I been thinkin'. We been doin' okay with takin' care a him an' all but Dirk's got a point. About him needin' some education. An' it would do him good to hang out with kids his own age. Think there's maybe a hume preschool around where we could send him?”

“Much as it offends me, you doubtin' my ability to teach my baby basic fuckin' math, you might be right. Playdates with Lalonde are all well an' good but the kid's gonna turn out weird if doesn't get some real socialization.

“Weird like Dirk?” Cronus reaches up to play with Eridan's hair, again.

“Gog forbid,” says Eridan. “Dirk's an all right kid an' all but we just need one a him around.”

“Good thing Dirk Prime's on another planet, then.”

“Ugh.” Eridan shakes his head. “Can you imagine, havin' two a him?”

“I really can't.” Cronus runs his fingers through Eridan's hair, making it fall forward around his face.

He ignores it and says, “I can't decide if it'd be hate at first sight for the two a them or what.”

“Pity,” Cronus says. “They take one look at each other and go, this poor, fucked up bastard, and Equius is out in the cold.”

“Doubt it. That kid is so flush it's upright sickening.”

“Wonder what the pailing's like,” Cronus says, like it's not a disgusting thing to bring up.

“I will kick you outta this pile,” Eridan says.

“Sweat in the slurry,” Cronus goes on and Eridan kicks him. He laughs. “Come on, Eq ain't that bad. Not as bad as Horrus, anyway.”

“They're both bad,” Eridan says. “Hair like that and what do they do with it? Nothin’.”

“Yours is good, too,” Cronus says. “Nice even wave.”

“Narcissist,” Eridan says then reaches for Cronus's hair and pulls.

Cronus squeaks then laughs again.

“Oh, Eri, you're so forward,” he says and no further productive conversation occurs that morning. 

 

Dirk gets home late from the Zahhak's place. Later than usual. He's always late on what he preposterously refers to as 'date day' (on what planet is building creepy robots then watching some sweaty behemoth beat them up romantic. That's right, no planet. On no planet is that romantic because it's weird and stupid which must be why you enjoy it so much, you bizarre idiot.) but it's perilously close to full sun up when Karkat hears the entry portal open.

He's been in the nutrition block, absolutely not waiting up for anyone, for a couple of hours now reading his favorite Troll Georgette Heyer with less pleasure than usual and jumps to his feet as soon as the lock disengages.

“Where the _fuck_ have you been,” he demands, before he even makes it out of the block. “Do you have any idea what time it is? It's practically – ”

Karkat stops. He stops talking, stops thinking, stops breathing. It's possible his bloodpusher stops, as well. Probable, even. Karkat is now dead. He'll fall over into an ungraceful heap just as soon as he's done staring. Funny that his eyes still work. Maybe they're the last thing to go.

“G-Grah?” This attempt at speech comes out shrill and it's at this point a door opens above them and two sets of feet begin making their way downstairs.

“Good morning to you, too,” Dirk says. “I've been exactly where I said I'd be. With Equius. Though honestly I question what business that is of yours. According to the Crocker Corp files, I've reached the age of majority in Earth terms and no longer have to answer to my guardian.”

Karkat takes another stab at talking, gives up, and sits down on the floor. From the stairs, Roxy whistles.

“Way to go, Di-Stri!” she says and hops the rest of the way down to inspect Dirk's bruises and bandages at rudely close range. “Did Big Blue do this? I didn't know you were that kinky, damn!” 

Sollux has come to crouch at Karkat's side in search of signs of life.

“KK? Karkat? You in there? How many frondth am I holding up?”

“His robots, actually,” Dirk says. “We weren't getting anywhere waiting for him to realize he wouldn't break me. So I took some positive action to convince him.”

Roxy snickers.

“Did it work?”

Dirk taps the side of his neck.

“Equius is responsible for these.” He smirks, minute but discernible and Karkat is resurrected.

Ten minutes later, as Sollux continues to pap him into submission, Roxy grabs Dirk by the arm and tows him towards the kitchen. He follows amiably, still high on the triumph of getting his terminally repressed matesprit to loosen up.

“Do I need to check those?” Roxy asks of the bandages, once they're far enough away the suggestion won't make Karkat flip out again.

“Nah,” says Dirk. “It looks worse than it is. He patched up everything that looked like it might ever start to bleed.”

“Once he was done goin' rainbow drinker on your sweet neck.”

“Before, actually.” Dirk sits at the consumption surface and Roxy drags a seat closer to the corner nearest him before settling in herself. “I think he forgot why he was letting me wreck his bots at some point during the wrecking. I reminded him once he was done with the first aid.”

“And then he was like, 'rawr'?” She makes claws with her hands and laughs.

“I think you'll find you're confusing him with his moirail. No, he just turned blue and started stuttering and then I was like, ‘rawr'.”

He deadpans it but does the claws and Roxy cracks up. Dirk smiles a little.

“A man's got limits, Roxy. Mine happens to be my matesprit failing to make out with me immediately after kicking serious robo ass.”

It's at this point Sollux and Karkat appear in the doorway, Sollux smirking, Karkat still dazed. Dirk looks at them without bothering to wipe off his smile.

“Feeling better?” he asks.

“Fuck you,” says Karkat, so he must be. “I still can't believe you let Zahhak's teeth near your neck. Are you fucking suicidal?”

“He's my matesprit. What did you think we were going to do? Drink tea and make polite conversation at a distance of no less than five feet at all times?”

“If you had any fucking sense – ”

“That thing I was saying about the human age of majority still applies, you know.”

Karkat blinks.

“What the globe-fondling fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“It means I'm an adult, now. You can't order me around anymore.”

Karkat snorts and comes to sit at the consumtption surface on Dirk's other side.

“I haven't ordered you around since you were four sweeps old,” he says. “Even I know lost cause when I meet one.”

Sollux snickers as he takes the last seat but doesn't comment. Dirk looks around.

“Are we having a hive meeting about my hickeys?” he asks.

“Yeth,” says Sollux.

“Hells yeah!” says Roxy. “We need the deets, D-Stride!”

“How about not,” says Karkat, mouth twisting in disgust.

“Well, that's what _I'm_ here for,” says Roxy.

“And I live to serve,” Dirk assures her.

“I'm just here in cathe you flip out again,” Sollux tells Karkat. “Tho I don't vote. Lookth like you're out-numbered.”

“Oh, fuck, no,” Karkat says. “We are not going to talk about whatever disgusting thing Strider did with Zahhak. I forbid it. This is my hive, dammit, and if Lalonde wants details so fucking bad, she can get them someplace other than the nutrition block.”

Dirk nods thoughtfully.

“Rec block it is!” Roxy says and bounces to her feet. She grabs Dirk's wrist.

“Let's take this to mine, instead,” he says, “in consideration for Sollux. We don't want him to strain his papping hand.”

“Oooo, Mr. Strider! Are you inviting me to you block? What will the neighbors think?”

They leave, snickering together, and Karkat eyes Sollux.

“You didn't correct him,” he says.

“About what?” Sollux asks.

“He implied you have dominant hand.” Karkat says, suspicious. “And you didn’t say word one about being ambidextrous.”

Sollux shrugs.

“I have planth for this morning,” he says. “And they don't involve a thnark off with Thtrider.” He stands up. “Your pile or mine?”

Karkat considers this.

“You're on the same floor as Dirk,” he says. “Mine.”

Roxy RoLal Lalonde  
XX/XX 1:33 AM  
conrgats to distri n equibabe fer gettin it ooooon  
1 Comment  
Roxy RoLal Lalonde 1:35 AM  
*congrats lol


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to quietserval, an excellent beta, and to everyone who commented and kudoed. Y'all are the best.

Eridan call the next day, rather grumpily.

“Tell me you got some details, Kar,” he says, as soon as Karkat answers his palmhusk. “Tell me or just rant at me about some bullshit for a while so I make up somethin' plausible an’ get this voyeuristic fuckin' cretin off my chitinous windshoot.”

Karkat growls because Sollux's plans had involved a four hour jam, exploring their feelings on every incident of domestic beastshittery and interaction with the outside world in the last two weeks, before they finally hit the cocoon and even if he were rested it would be too early for Eridan.

“The fuck are you even talking about?” he asks, in his robe, clutching a mug of coffee. “The fuck is – why aren't you at work?”

“It's Ocean Night,” Eridan says. “Don't make like you don't know. Now spill, and don't go changin' the subject on me.”

“I know it's Ocean Night,” Karkat says. “I just didn't realize the Imperial Hydroelectric works shut down for that.”

“It don't shut down. It's just seadwellers that get off. There are advantages to bein' royalty, ya know.”

“Advantages,” says Karkat. “And you're using your imperially gifted time off to harass me about – what exactly are you harassing me about?”

“Dirk an’ Equius,” Eridan says. “Obviously. Do you not check Trollbook or somefin?”

“Who the fuck posted on Trollbook? Dirk sure as shit didn't and I don't think Equius even has an account. More to the point, _why_ did someone post on Trollbook? And even more to the point, why are you calling me on Ocean Night to harass me about stupid, gross beastshit that is none of your business? Because that is what you are doing right now, Ampora. You are calling me on your own Empress-forsaken holiday to harass me, a party not involved in the thoroughly disgusting subject you have inexplicably chosen to interest yourself in, instead of participating in whatever weird fish orgies you guys are supposed to occupy yourselves with today. Does that seem weird to you? Because it sure as fuck seems weird to me.”

There's a pause.

“Do you don't know any details, then?”

“Go drown,” says Karkat and hangs up.

Fucking Trollbook. Maybe it really is time to abandon civilization. Nepeta's not flushed for him, anymore, he could totally go live in her cave.

“Stop that,” says Dirk, passing his frozen form on the way to coffee maker. “You're not going to live in a cave, no matter what Ampora did. You've got a social justice movement to head up. Oh, and just a heads up? Nepeta's cave gets wifi. So it's just running water you'll be giving up.”

“I'll bathe in the stream,” Karkat says, unconcerned to discover he has been ranting aloud to an empty nutrition block. It happens, sometimes. “Or maybe I won't bathe at all. Maybe I'll just cultivate a stench such that stupid beastshit will be repelled at fifty paces.”

“Won't work,” Dirk answers. “Dealing with stupid beastshit is your calling in this life. You can't escape it. It is your destiny.”

“Well, fuck destiny and fuck you, too. It's your fault anyway.”

“How are Ampora's theatrics my fault?”

They sit together at the consumption surface. Karkat glowers while Dirk sips his coffee – no sweetening agent. Tonight's a good night.

“Yours and Equius's,” Karkat says. “Apparently the progression of your relationship to the even-more-revolting stages has made it onto the social media circuit, congratufuckinglations.” 

Dirk considers this, takes another sip of coffee.

“Roxy,” he concludes and puts his cup down.

Karkat groans.

“Of fucking course,” he says.

Dirk pulls out his palmhusk and flicks through it for a few moments.

“Yeah,” he says. “Roxy made the post. Fifty-seven likes, twenty-eight comments and I've got about three dozen congratulations posts on my wall. Seven are from her. About a dozen of the comments on the original post are lamenting one or the other of us being off the market. I had no idea I was in such high demand.”

“Ugh,” says Karkat.

“Looks like Kankri's chimed in, too. He made a public note about it.” He's silent for a moment, then slides the device over to Karkat. When Karkat reaches for it, he holds up a hand.

“Wait,” he says and picks up Karkat's mug. “You're going to need more coffee.”

 

GuidingAllure [GA] began trolling TimaeusTestified [TT].

GA: Dirk.  
TT: Porrim.  
GA: Are yo+u familiar with the 'seen by' functio+n o+n Tro+llbo+o+k?  
TT: I think I remember something of the sort.  
TT: But you're the Trollbook addict in this moirallegiance. I just post horse pictures and leave rude comments on Kankri's screeds.  
GA: That is what I wanted to+ discuss, actually. The 'seen by' feature allo+ws o+ne to+ see who+ had lo+o+ked at a given po+st. Kankri's mo+st recent screed has been seen by several hundred peo+ple, including yo+u. And yet, amo+ng a great many rude co+mments, no+t o+ne is attributable to+ yo+u.  
GA: I was co+ncerned.  
TT: Can't rush genius, Miss Maryam. The rudest of all rude comments is percolating in my thinkpan as we type. That shit will drip when it's good and ready and not a moment before.  
GA: I am co+ming o+ver.  
TT: My block door is open.  
TT: And mind your eardrums. Karkat saw it, too.

 

“Of course it bothers me,” Dirk says to her back, on the pile. He's lounging with her sitting up between his legs, the better to play with her hair. The better for him to talk, too. They've been doing this pale thing for half a sweep and he's better at emoting but having her sharp jade eyes on him makes it harder. She's a great moirail for noticing and not minding. Having something to do with his hands helps, too, and he's gotten pretty good at braiding. “This is my first flush relationship. My first flush anything, unless you could that clusterfuck with Jake. Which I'd rather not.”

Porrim makes a doubtful sound.

“But I will,” he says, “because not counting it would be prioritizing comfort and pride over being honest with myself and prioritizing comfort and pride over honesty is bad.”

“That's better,” she says.

He laughs a little. “It's like you've got me trained.”

“I prefer to think of it as being a positive influence on my moirail,” she answers, a smile in her voice. “Which is rather the point. You were saying?”

“I was saying,” Dirk agrees. “I was saying that it bugs me, for obvious reasons. But what bugs me more is Equius. He must have heard about it by now but he's not saying anything to me. He hasn't answered a single text.” He glances to his palmhusk, lying abandoned on the work surface. “I've sent three.”

“Admirable restraint,” Porrim says.

“It's a Strider thing.”

“As the only other Strider in existence on this planet is essentially your clone, I suppose it is.”

“Hey, Roxy had some sway there, too. He's half Lalonde.”

“So he is. I wonder which set of genetic failings will prevail?”

“Hey, now.” Dirk pulls her hair, but gently. “No trash talk in the pile. I mean, you trash talk me all night, but Roxy's off limits.”

“Is she now?” Porrim sounds amused. “Should I be jealous, Mr. Strider?”

“Well, green is your color. But, nah. She's my friend, sure, but we're not – getting romantic with her would be weird. Like going pale on Karkat or something. Not happening. My diamond shines only for you, Miss Maryam.”

“Glad to hear it. Will you go see him?”

Dirk follows her leap back and says, “Yeah. If he doesn't get back to me tonight, I mean. I'll go tomorrow. I'd like to think Nepeta's just papping him into submission and that's why he's not responding but it'd be nice to hear something from him.”

Except a break-up. That wouldn't be nice to hear at all.

“What are you worrying about?” Porrim says when he goes quiet. And then she says, “He is not going to dump you, Dirk. That notion is likely what Nepeta is papping out of him right now. Or possibly slapping. He's happy with you.”

Dirk smiles.

“Psychic,” he says.

“Moirail,” she answers. “I'm sorry to tell you that you're not an inscrutable as you think. And that yours is the most obvious worry imaginable.”

“Need to step it up,” he says. “Come up with some sweet new neuroses you'll never see coming.”

“Please don't.”

Dirk chuckles softly.

“So,” he says, “what we've established here is that I am bothered and worried by things that are bother- and worrisome and that there's jack shit I can do about them other than going over to see Equius if he doesn't get back to me.”

“You could also contact Nepeta,” Porrim allows, “if you are truly concerned.”

“I'll give it another hour before I resort to that. Wouldn't want to interrupt her mid-slap.”

“Not feeling up to bizarre roleplay?”

“Not even a little. There,” he adds, finishing off the braid he's spent the last several minutes perfecting. “You're beautiful. Well, you're always beautiful, but now you're beautiful and obviously freshly piled.”

She reaches back to touch the base of the braid then draws the end over her shoulder.

“Very nice,” she says.

“Now that that's done and I'm chill,” Dirk says, “it's your turn. How are you dealing?”

“I don't know what you mean,” Porrim tells him, still fingering the braid.

“Ah-ah. Turn.” He lays a hand on her shoulder and she turns, folding her legs up under her. He crosses his arms. “We have had this discussion before,” he says. “Ours is not a one-way moirallegiance. You were pretty pale on Kankri, once, we've been over that. Well, now your quandom pale crush is launching a cyber attack on your moirail and his matesprit. So, level with me, Porrim. How are you feeling?”

She lets go of the braid and it flips neatly back over her shoulder, too thick and tight to stay draped. She smiles.

“You're right, of course,” she says. “I'm being selfish. Leaning on others is not something I'm accustomed to.”

“You're getting better at it,” Dirk says, “if it helps.”

Her smile widens, shows some fang. “It does, thank you. Now, as to how I'm feeling – ” The smile fades into a pensive look. “Angry,” she says. “Disappointed. Frustrated. The usual, when it comes to Kankri, these days.”

“And?” Dirk prompts.

“And,” says Porrim. It sounds like a statement. She thinks a moment longer. “Sad. Sad as if – I'm mourning something.” She taps a finger to her lips. “Until now, somewhere inside I thought he was grand-standing. He is, of course, but I thought – he didn't mean it. Not really. That he would move on to the next cause soon enough. I never dreamed he would make denying rights to humans his hill to die on.”

Dirk 'hmm's softly but doesn't interrupt.

“It feels as if I've lost him,” she says, very quietly. “I knew I had, perigees ago, sweeps even. Long before you entered the picture, I knew our friendship could not remain tenable. And when I joined the HRI and started things with you – I don't regret any of it but it still – it hurts.”

She stops there, eyes misting green, and bites her lip.

Dirk waits a few seconds before reaching out to touch her shoulder.

“It's a loss,” he says. “He was your friend for a long time. Maybe not a very good friend a lot of the time, but he was important to you. So of course it hurts. You wouldn't be a person if it didn't hurt.”

Porrim reaches up to touch his hand and he parts his fingers so hers can thread between them.

“It's hard,” she says. “Being an adult and losing things. Losing people. It's so hard.”

“There are people who understand,” Dirk tells her. “And I'm here for you.”

They stay together in the pile for a long time.

 

CG: LOOK AT THIS, SOLLUX. JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT.  
TA: ii am not lookiing at iit.  
CG: NO, SERIOUSLY. YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS. IT'S A WORK OF FUCKING ART, LIKE THOSE GROSS STATUES MADE ENTIRELY OF FECES AND MAMMALIAN MENSTRUAL BLOOD.  
CG: HERE, I'LL SEND YOU THE LINK.  
TA: plea2e don't.  
CG: trollink.cm/731/  
TA: ii am not cliickiing that.  
CG: THEN I'LL HAVE TO READ IT TO YOU. DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?  
TA: ii have locked my door.  
TA: go away.  
TA: ii'm codiing.  
CG: YOU'RE ALWAYS CODING, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THAT MATTER? I WILL YELL THIS SHIT THROUGH THE DOOR, DON'T THINK I WON'T.  
TA: ii am codiing a viiru2 2peciial for kankrii  
CG: OH.  
CG: WELL.  
CG: IN THAT CASE.  
CG: CONTINUE.  
CG: I'LL JUST READ IT AND SEND YOU THE HIGHLIGHTS.  
CG: KEEP YOUR MOTIVATION UP.  
TA: that'2 better.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has gone idle.  
  
CG: OKAY, HERE'S A GOOD ONE. BRACE YOURSELF.  
TA: hiit me.  
CG: “While humans may 9ne day have the p9tential to reach maturity as a species, this 9ccasi9n is many sweeps in the future and relies on the supp9siti9n they will n9t destr9y themselves 6ef9re reaching that stage.”  
TA: that'2 the 2ame 2hiit he'2 been 2ayiing.  
TA: boriing.  
CG: NO, WAIT FOR IT.  
CG: “While the humans 6r9ught to 6ef9rus 6y Cr9ckerC9rp 6enefit fr9m the steadying hand 9f the m9re advanced tr9ll race, humans 9n Earth have n9 such calming influence 9n their devel9pment.”  
TA: diid he really ju2t call trolls a calmiing iinfluence?  
TA: ha2 he ever met a troll?  
CG: IT GETS WORSE.  
CG: “While a suita6le tr9ll caregiver may ena6le an individual human t9 achieve a measure 9f psych9l9gical sta6ility, it is imperative that the tr9ll in questi9n never f9rget that this sta6ility relies 9n him retaining his caregiving r9le. Put plainly, he must never 6egin t9 c9nsider his human charge as anything 6ut what it is: a mem6er 9f an innately immature and v9latile species. N9 matter h9w the human charge may behave, the tr9ll cann9t relax his guard 9r f9rget its peak em9ti9nal devel9pment is 9n par with the average sweep 9ld wiggler. T9 6elieve 9therwise is t9 invite disaster.”  
TA: ii mean D2 iis kiind of a dii2a2ter but ii thiink that'2 more a matter of iindiiviidual per2onaliity than a traiit common to all humans ever.  
TA: porriim wiil love hii2 pronoun choiice2.  
TA: hey, ii2n't thii2 2upposed to be about diirk and EQ?  
CG: YEAH, HE'S GETTING THERE. I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I FIND A GOOD REPRESENTATIVE PARAGRAPH.  
CG: OR PASSAGE. HE'S NOT ALL THAT FOND OF PARAGRAPH BREAKS.  
TA: ii waiit wiith baiited breath.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has gone idle.

CG: OKAY, HERE WE GO  
CG: “T9 mistake sentience for maturity is a cardinal mistake made 6y th9se wh9 w9uld claim a human f9r their quadrants. As dem9nstrated 6y the hist9ry 9f their h9mew9rld, they are an innately selfish and vi9lent race, incapable 9f either true pity or the s9rt of 6alanced hatred that characterizes a healthy kismessitude or aupiciticism. A human may at 6est feel pr9prietary affecti9n and will inevita6ly drain their red attachments like the pr9ver6ial em9ti9nal rain69w drinker. T9 enter int9 a 6lack r9mance with a human w9uld be n9thing sh9rt of suicidal.”  
CG: THEN HE RAMBLES ABOUT EARTH HISTORY SOME MORE.  
CG: “A tr9ll wh9 6elieves he is experiencing flushed or pale feelings f9r a human w9uld be well-advised to seek psych9l9gical help. Humans are, in additi9n t9 6eing em9ti9nally incapable 9f a 6alanced red r9mance, in need 9f cust9dial care fr9m tr9lls, making the tr9ll wh9 engages s9 with a human little 6etter than a ped9phile.”

TwinArmageddons [TA]  has gone idle.

CarcinoGeneticist [CG] has gone idle.

CG: SO HE SAID THAT.  
CG: ON A PUBLIC FORUM.  
TA: fuck the viiru2.  
TA: fuck p2iioniic2.  
TA: ii wiill kiill hiim wiith my bare hand2.


	3. Chapter 3

Perigees in the past (but not many):

 

It was late evening and Sollux had finished something. It wasn't clear what but something was finished and it was something big. Or maybe something small that had swelled to grotesque proportions by whatever dark magics governed the inner workings of his thinkpan.. Karkat had no idea but he knew for sure it was done because that was all Sollux would say, after psionically manhandling Karkat out of his work surface seat and into the chair by the television. Karkat did not exactly mind being in Sollux's lap but he would have preferred to get there on his own, thank you very much.

“What are you done with?” he demanded, for maybe the fourth time since Sollux had hauled him over. “I might feel a little more inclined to participate in this celebratory cuddlejam if I knew what the fetid gray zombie bulges I was supposed to be celebrating.”

“It doethn't matter,” Sollux said, also for the fourth time, but this time he elaborated. “It'th jutht thomething Dirk helped me with. That kid'th fucking thmart, you know? We have the thmartetht wiggler, KK, I'm tho proud, even if his knowledge base is thomewhat more contherned with muthlebeathtth and weird fetisheth than I'd prefer.”

“Since when does Dirk help you with projects?” Karkat asked. “Don't tell me you've started in on the pailbot industry, too.”

“No, jutht the AI,” Sollux said, as if that made it in any way better. “And he doethn't, that'th what maketh it tho great.”

Karkat frowned.

“What the fuck are you even babbling about?” he said. “I know you've been taking your meds so what in the name of the Empress's flawless rack is going on?”

“He'th happy,” Sollux said. “Dirk ith fucking happy, Karkat. I told him about thith thtupid little thide project and he offered to help. Jutht like that. Like it wath no big deal. And he showed me thome of hith AI work and actually worked with another thentient being on thomething with no ulterior motive. It'th a fucking miracle.”

Now that Sollux put it like that, it did sound oddly un-Dirklike.

“Are you sure there was no ulterior motive?” Karkat asked. “He's not going to jack your code and start making exploding fetish bots, is he? The last thing we need is a lawsuit.”

“I don't think tho,” Sollux said. “I really don't. I think he jutht – felt like helping. I think he'th _happy_.”

“That's the second time you've said that. What does that even mean, Dirk being happy? Have you met Dirk? He's never been happy in his life.”

“I know! That'th what maketh it tho amazing!”

Karkat considered the idea. A happy Dirk would be pretty amazing but he wasn't sure Sollux's evidence fully supported the conclusion. He thought back to recent interactions. To breakfast in the nutrition block, to himself at Dirk's entry portal, to the latest movie night with the Amporas.

“He's been managing actual facial expressions more often than usual,” Karkat conceded. “Some of them were even smile-like. But I don't know what – ”

The answer hit him, fell from his mouth just as Sollux chimed in with the same.

“Zahhak.”

For Karkat, it was a groan; from Sollux, nearly a cheer.

“Oh, gog.” Karkat buried his face in his hands.

“Do you think they've pailed yet?” Sollux asked and Karkat punched him.

“Fuck you for saying that, the mere idea is disgusting. I practically changed his diapers.”

“Ehehe, I gueth it ith a little weird. But come on, it could be Porrim, too.”

That did make it a little better and Karkat nodded.

“Having a competent moirail around could definitely explain it,” he agreed. “I've got less than half a fucking clue what goes on in that kid's head and bless Porrim Maryam if she can help sort it out.”

Sollux nodded happily. He was, Karkat noticed, purring, and not clutching quite as hard. Good a time as any for a pap. He papped. Sollux shook his head.

“Hey,” he protested.

“Hey, yourself,” Karkat told him. “Chill. I get that you're happy Dirk is happy but don't wind yourself up too much.”

“I'm not,” Sollux said but Karkat could feel his heart hammering in his chest and shooshed him, continued papping and petting until it soothed into something more natural. Karkat pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You good, now?” he asked.

“I wath fine before,” Sollux said and his tone was lazy, sleepy. Karkat gave a warning growl. “Okay, yeah,” Sollux allowed. “I'm better. Sorry, KK.”

“Don't apologize,” said Karkat. “I've known you were a bipolar freak since two minutes after we met. If it actually bothered me, I wouldn't be here.”

Sollux took his wrist and pressed a kiss to the inside.

“Pale for you, too, KK,” he said.

“Idiot,” said Karkat, and hugged him.

 

_The present:_

 

The next thing that happens is the Human Protection Initiative. Dirk finds it rec’d on his Trollbook feed one evening while Karkat is cursing over the frying pan and he's messing around on his palmhusk. The quirk is familiar and he opens it with a combination of resignation and dread. After about thirty seconds of perusal, he checks the member count – forty three – and skims the names. If he had his husktop he could run a comparison to the five hundred in the HRI group but none look familiar, other than the obvious.

He closes the app and boots up his e-mail.

Janara –

I don't know if you've seen it, yet, but my former 'custodian' had set up a group intended to rival the HRI. He's calling it the Human Protection Initiative. Check it out but make sure you haven't eaten recently. It's some sick stuff and I don't mean in the awesome way. Right now it looks like everything's public but that could change. I was hoping either you or Denbry could join up and burrowbeast for us. Kankri doesn't know you guys and a heads up on what he's planning would be nice. If you're not comfortable with it, that's cool, you don't have to.

Pass on my regards to your kids. I don't think Dave's taken off that cape since Samy gave it to him and Sara's Lizard Rising code is making stuff a lot easier for me.

Thanks,  
Dirk  
  
He's not expecting a response for hours but within ten minutes there's a chime.

Dirk – 

Thank You for the Warning. Your former Custodian is a terrible Person and I am ashamed to share a Species with Him. I have joined the Group and will let you know if Anything private appears. I would prefer not to mention this to Denbry as he had Access to my Mobile Devices and might do Something emotionally satisfying to blow my Cover.

Samy is pleased to hear It. I think the News made her feel less ill after looking over my Shoulder. I'll pass on your Greetings and Thanks to Sara once she emerges.

I know Karkat has a Moirail to look after such Things but tell him to mind his Blood Pressure. We don't need him having a Stroke.

    ⁃ Janara  
  
Dirk passes on the warning just as Karkat is sitting down with his scrambled protein nodules.

“Oh, gog,” Karkat says. “Why is Janara worrying about my health? What happened?”

Dirk reopens Trollbook and slides the palmhusk over, then applies himself to his coffee.

“I asked her to join up as a burrowbeast,” he says. “She agreed.”

“Jegus grubfucking shitsponge,” Karkat says. “Are we ever going to be done with this bulgefondling fecalstain? I mean, hopy fucknozzle, don't we have enough to deal with, what was general societal malaise and indifference? Do we actually need some shitbrained fuckniblet following us around in active, malignant opposition? Is that really a requirement? Because I really don't think it should be and would like to file a cordial fucking complain with whoever decided it fucking was.”

“Murder's still an option,” Dirk says mildly.

“Don't even joke,” Karkat tells him. “I had to talk Sollux down from killing him barehanded.”

Dirk looks over, eyebrows slightly raised.

“Barehanded? When was this?”

“After he posted that fucking note, don't change the subject. We aren't killing anyone.”

Dirk nods thoughtfully. He doesn't let the question go, exactly – it stays in his pan – but he remains on subject.

“Well, here's some gamer logic for you,” he says. “If you're running into enemies, you're going in the right direction.”

Karkat scowls.

“If Kankri is the fucking endgame boss,” he says, “I am ejecting the gamegrub and chucking it into the nearest municipal spike pit.”

“You are not. You're going to play this one to the end.”

Karkat huffs and stabs his nodules.

“I know,” he says. “You don't need to rub it in.”

 

The HPI holds its inaugural meeting a few days later at Kankri's hive. Janara trolls volunteering to go before Dirk can suggest it and they set their own Initiative meeting for the next morning.

The Amporas show up early, as usual, closely followed by the Maryam's, and Dirk takes Dave and Rose into the rec block while Karkat, Eridan, and Kanaya have coffee in the kitchen. Roxy follows Dirk and the kids armed with coloring books, as does Cronus, with his guitar. Porrim has a new quilt pieced and pinned, this one with a green slimebeast appliqued in the center and she drafts Dirk to help draw the lines for stitches to follow.

“The white panel should have swirls and curves,” she tells him, passing over a black marking pen. “Go around the pins and make whatever shapes look best. I'll trust your judgment on that. We'll do a grid for the blue outer section but don't worry about that now.”

“Aye aye, madame,” Dirk says. “Not worrying.”

Porrim smiles at him and he can't really help smiling back. He gets down on his hands and knees and to begin tracing lines but also as soon as he starts Dave pats his hip.

“What're you doing?” he asks. He's holding a red colored pencil, head tipped to one side. Rose is beyond him, leaning into Roxy's side and pointing to something in one of the coloring books. Dirk thinks he hears the world 'eldritch' over Cronus's surprisingly restrained strumming.

“Helping Porrim out,” Dirk says. “She's making this quilt, so we're putting down lines for her sew along. See?” He traces a gentle, curving line around some of the pins, out from the center figure, just as she taught him, perigees ago.

“Oh,” says Dave and looks down at his pencil. “Can I help?”

Dirk looks at Porrim, who looks back. She raises an eyebrow. His call.

“Sure, dude,” Dirk says. “Here, use this.” He trades his pen for the pencil and gestures Dave to kneel beside him once he's made sure the boy is wearing jeans rather than shorts. “Be careful, though. The pins are sharp. Start here.”

He points to a spot by the figure, several inches from his own line. “Good, now follow the pins around. It's cool if you overlap mine, we're going for a bunch of different shapes. Good, now you can branch off here and cross over.”

With Dirk's coaching, it's several minutes before Dave's small hand catches on a pin. He recoils but doesn't make a sound. Dirk lays a gentle hand on his back.

“Hurt yourself?” he asks. “Here, let me see.”

Dave doesn't offer his hand but when Dirk reaches to take it he allows it and leans into his side.

The stratch is small – Dirk can see where a pin dug in and was pulled out at the wrong angle, just tearing the top layers of skin. There's no blood, probably more startling than painful. Dirk tsks.

“Yeah, I've had a whole bunch of these since I started helping Porrim out,” he says. “I bet she's had way more. Porrim?”

She's already moving over to see and Dave takes her inspection stoically.

“Ah, yes, the curse of seamstresses everywhere,” she says. “Dirk is correct. I've had a great many similar wounds. I believe I've had a few on my toes.” She smiles. Dave looks up at her and the corner of his mouth twitches up.

“Aw,” says Roxy, appearing at the edge of the blanket. “You hurt yourself, Dave? That's why I don't tangle with the quilting buddies over here. That shit is dangerous. Here, I'll fix you up.”

“I'm fine,” Dave says but she takes his hand and, locating the scratch, lays a loud kiss on it.

“Smooches make everything better,” she announces.

Dave gives another, brighter, little flicker of a smile.

“Thank you.”

“No problem!” she says and returns to Rose, now coloring on her own, mostly in black.

Dave looks back at Dirk and Porrim.

“You wanna keep helping?” Dirk asks.

“You're doing very well,” Porrim says. “While I would hate to lose your assistance, I wouldn't blame you if you chose to withdraw it.”

Dave shakes his head.

“I'll help,” he says, and picks up his pen again.

Janara shows up with Sara and the Nitrams. The human, giving Cronus a look of disgust to rival Sollux's -- which is kind of interesting, Dirk didn’t think they knew each other well enough for that -- sticks close to her lusus, who approaches Dirk, looking grim. She crouches at his side and murmurs, for no one else's ears, “Sara isn't feeling well. Is there somewhere she can lie down?”

Dirk looks at Sara, who leaves off glaring to look back. She's older than him but, under the irritation, she looks younger and very tired.

“Of course. I'll be right back,” he adds, to Porrim and Dave. “You guys cool?”

Porrim says, “Of course,” even as she lays down her own pen to take over monitoring Dave, who doesn't even look up to say, “We're cool.”

Dirk gets to his feet and tells Janara, “One second,” before going over to Roxy, now sitting on the multiseat unit with Rose in her lap, laughing at an embarrassed-looking Cronus. He leans in close to her and mutters, “Borrowing your block.”

She nods, unconcerned, and he waves Janara and Sara to follow him. Rufioh, he notices, has vanished, while Tavros is kneeling at Porrim's side, smiling at Dave.

Dirk heads upstairs with his spy and her human in tow and says, “Sorry about all the stairs but I figure Roxy's block will be more comfortable than mine. Less killer robots and all. You'll have to excuse the wizards.”

“If it has a respite platform, it's fine,” Sara says, grim. And then, “Thank you.”

“No problem. How's that Arena bot coming for Lizard Rising?”

“It's coming,” she sighs. “I haven't worked on it in a few days but it's getting there.”

“Sweet.” He stops at Roxy's block, identifiable by the vast, pointed hat pasted to the portal and opens it. “I look forward to it. Rest well.”

“Thanks,” she says again, and walks in.

Dirk closes the portal behind her and turns to raise an eyebrow at Janara, who shakes her head. Her horns are curved forward with wicked points and an extra spike rising off the left. Dirk remembers how she fought against the highbloods, over a sweep ago, now, and chooses his words carefully.

He settles on, “She cool?” as they make their way downstairs.

“She will be,” Janara replies and Dirk leaves it at that.

Once everyone is assembled and the party in the nutrition block has been broken up, Dirk starts things off with a summary of exactly what Kankri has been up to.

“I asked Janara to do some sleuthing for us,” he says, gesturing to the position she's taken up beside Vriska, nearest the portal leading upstairs. “She joined the group and went to their first meeting yesterday morning. I'm going to turn things over to her now so we can all hear what she found out.”

Janara sits up a little straighter and, hands clasped in her lap, addresses the group, eyes fixed at middle distance.

“Thank you, Dirk,” she says. “All the posts to the HPI group are still open to the public, so far as I can tell. Their contents, for those who haven't seen, are what one might expect of Kankri Vantas. They are lengthy and incredibly detailed and they all say the same thing; that is, that humans are an innately inferior species who require the close supervision of trolls to function without reverting to their natural state of anarchic carnage. Your hatchmate,” she adds, with a swift glance at Karkat, “is a despicable person.”

Without waiting for a response, she goes on.

“The meeting yesterday was largely repetitions of the same. He focused more heavily on the abuse of humans by trolls, however. That is a serious problem which needs to be addressed., but he considers consensual relationships between the two races to be abusive and does not appear to have any interest in actual abuse.” She pauses, a dark look on her face, then continues, composed. “He feels law enforcement are too lax in prosecuting human abusers, which they are, but his proposed solution is for all HPI members to begin calling in tips to enforcement hotlines about known human-troll relationships and thereby force action.”

There's a pause as everyone in the room processes the news.

“So, wait,” Jane says. “He's suggesting calling the police and saying, this troll and this human are dating? With no evidence? How would that work?”

“He suggested monitoring the social media accounts of suspected 'abusers',” Janara says, quotes evident in her tone. “Which, given the only thing he's interested in is consensual relationships, may actually be effective.”

“So, stalking,” Roxy says. “He's like, illegal shit's goin' down, let's do some mad stalking and stop it, which is totes not illegal, right?”

“I did not raise the point, but it did occur to me,” Janara says. “That is, in essence, his plan.”

The beginnings of Dirk's counterplan are already forming in his thinksponge as he says, “How many people were there, Janara? Not to derail, but I'd like to know what we're up against.”

“Eleven, including Kankri and myself. At least three were extremely unclear as to what, exactly, the meeting was about.”

“Any humans?” Dirk asked.

“No. Kankri asked that they not be included.”

Dirk glances to his left and lets out a tiny sigh through his nose.

“It's cool, Karkat,” he says. “You can let it out.”

Karkat proceeds to let it out for a good ten minutes before Sollux rises from his chair and sidles over to lay a hand on his shoulder. It's not a pap but it's close enough for public, and Karkat sputters himself out.

Ten minutes is more than enough time for Dirk to finish planning.


	4. Chapter 4

Tavros corners Dirk after the meeting is adjourned. Dirk can see Rufioh over his shoulder, talking with Cronus, who has the least convincing leer on his face Dirk has ever seen. So he's still not over what happened with Kankri. Good data to have. This flicks through his head in an instant and then he's giving Tavros his attention.

“If you're planning something,” Tavros says and hesitates.

“Nah,” says Dirk.

Tavros shakes his head.

“It should really be, your lusus saying this to you,” he says. “But since they're both, uh, distracted – ” He glances towards the nutrition block, where Sollux is likely still papping Karkat back to some semblance of sanity. “ – and I am your vet, I guess I will say it. If you're planning something, please talk with someone, before you do it. It would be, uh, better. If you did that. Not so we can talk you out of it, but because then we would know, what to expect.”

Dirk raises an eyebrow.

“This is about that time I strifed Kankri, isn't it? Tavros, dude. I was five.”

Tavros shrugs uneasily.

“It is about that,” he admits. “And about, certain other events in the more recent past, which, uh, lead me to believe you may, have a tendency to not, well, think things through quite as well as you believe.”

“Are we talking about punching Equius? Or fighting his robots? Because the punching was a spur of the moment thing.”

“We're talking about all those things,” Tavros says. “And also about the other robot thing. And the thing with John. And the thing with Vriska. And several other things, which also concerned Vriska.” He pauses. “Perhaps you should just, stay away from Vriska, in addition to including others in your plans.”

Dirk doesn't sigh but he feels like it.

“All of those things were for the good of the Initiative,” he says. “Other than the John thing, I mean, that was just for fun. And I promise I'll talk to someone before I enact any more plans.”

“I notice you said 'enact',” Tavros says. “And not 'make'.” He looks at Dirk with narrowed eyes for a moment and then he sighs. “All right,” he says. “Just, please. Try not to damage yourself. I enjoy your company but I prefer it here, to my exam room.”

It's a pretty decent exit line and Dirk lets him have it only because he can see one of the two people he actually wanted to talk to coming.

“Nepeta,” he says, once Tavros has walked away. “Just the kitten I was looking for.”

“Excuse you,” Nepeta says. “AC is no kitten, but a mighty lioness.”

“My mistake.” He holds up a fist and she bumps it. “How's the papping coming along?”

He's heard from Equius but it was brief and stilted and he's still not sure exactly where they stand. He doesn't like that feeling.

Nepeta frowns.

“Slowly,” she says. “But you will be purrleased to know he is not going to break up with you.”

“I figured that, since he's still calling me Dirk,” he says. “I expect a reversion to 'Strider' if we do break up. But it's still good to hear. How long before I can go see him without risking irreparable architectural damage?”

She frowns harder.

“That will be trickier,” she says. “Once CT is informed of Janara's informing. He won't want to risk it.”

“Well, I need him to.” Dirk takes a look around and, assured no one is close enough to hear, drops his voice and gives her the outline of his plan. Her eyebrows raise.

“I haven't talked it out with Porrim yet but unless she has some objection I haven't thought of, that's what's happening. I just need you to lay the groundwork with Equius.”

She considers Dirk for a long moment.

“Are you sure that's a good idea?” she asks.

“Civil disobedience has historically been one of the most effective methods of social change,” he says, then adds, “I got it from a case file on Earth. I can send you the relevant documents if you aren't sure but I can almost guarantee a reaction.”

“So can I,” says Nepeta. “I'm just worried about what kind of reaction.”

“Will you help me?” Dirk asks. “It won't work without Equius on board and that won't happen if you aren't. I'm counting on you.”

Nepeta scowls. “I'll help,” she says. “But he's not going to be happy.”

“I'm not thrilled myself.”

She examines him, again, then goes to collect Jake and Jade. Most nights they hang around a little so the younger kids can play but Dirk foresees a long day ahead of her. He'll have to find her some thank you catnip. Or a really nice raw steak.

This thought filed away, he moves through the room again. Karkat has emerged from the kitchen, hair wilder than ever, and is arguing with Eridan but that's nothing to worry about. Dave is sitting on the floor with John and Rose while Kanaya and Cronus have what looks like a staring contest of mutual mistrust a few feet away. Vriska has cornered Tavros and Dirk would take a detour to rescue him if he hadn't been putting his nose where it didn't belong. Janara and Roxy have disappeared, probably up to the latter's block, and Porrim is packing up her sewing supplies. He swings by the kids on his way to her.

“Yo,” he says, crouching beside them.

“Yo,” Dave and John respond, John with a grin.

Rose says, “Hello, Dirk.”

“You all okay?” he asks and holds out a fist.

Dave bumps it. “We're cool,” he says.

“Dave says only people with wings can fly,” John informs him. “But that's dumb because I can totally fly. Right, Rose?”

“You say you can,” Rose says. “But I've never seen it.”

“I wouldn't lie! And Dirk's seen me, right, Dirk?”

They turn their eyes to him, John expectant, Rose skeptical, Dave with the merest hint of curiosity.

“You got up that tree in a hurry,” Dirk says. “But are we sure you don't have a set of rad wings hiding somewhere?”

“No,” John says. “Why would I hide them? Wings would be cool. They would be big blue wings.”

Dirk smiles. It's involuntary.

“What color would yours be, Dave?” John asks.

“Red,” Dave says. “But it's dumb. Humans don't have wings.”

“Some trolls do,” Rose says. “So it's not entirely out of the question that a human might. I think mine would be purple,” she adds. “But yellow and orange might suit me, as well.”

“Dirk is orange,” Dave says.

“There's no reason my wings have to match my eyes,” Dirk tells him. “I could totally rock some mauve wings. Yeah, and dark pink.”

John grins, but Dave still appears doubtful. Rose nods, approving, then says, “Porrim. What color are your wings?”

Porrim, sewing box in hand, has appeared standing over Dirk. She doesn't even blink.

“Black,” she says. “With white accents. Much more dramatic than jade, though I rather fear actual rather than hypothetical rings would correspond to my blood color.”

“A tragedy,” Dirk says.

“Yes. I'm rather glad I don't have them. Tavros and Rufioh have the most difficult time with clothes. Kanaya and I do what we can but there are only so many styles that will both allow for wing holes and accommodate their horns.”

“They have cool horns,” Dave says.

“No, they're dumb,” John answers. “They must bang into stuff a lot.”

“Do not,” says Dave.

“I've never witnessed them banging into anything with their horns,” Rose says. “The only incident I recall involved someone else showing improper caution.”

John looks intrigued. Dave doesn't, but he makes no attempt to stop John from begging for details.

Dirk looks up at Porrim and raises an eyebrow at her. Hers arches even higher in response. Bested, he rises to his feet and says, “I've got this idea. Thought you could give me some input before I put it into action.”

“You presume it will be put into action,” she says. “Sure of yourself?”

“With you at my side, how can I not be?”

She takes this as her due and says, “I'll troll you when we get home.”

 

The first Karkat hears of the plan comes around the time Dirk is declaring phase one complete.

It's a cool, clear midnight and Karkat is in the nutrition block, enjoying a cup of coffee with his moirail, their respective husktops set up in front of them. Sollux is coding but responsive and joins in snickering at the lists of ill-advised confectionary Karkat finds on Trollfeed. Things are otherwise quiet and calm, with both humans in their respective blocks and no pressing HRI business to trouble them.

It's a quiet night, Karkat thinks. A good night.

Then he checks his e-mail.

“Why does Trollbook even send out these useless fucking notifications,” he grumbles. “If I cared about some ridiculous fucking – ” Poised to delete, his mind processes the subject line and he freezes.

Then he opens the e-mail.

“Fucking _fuck_.”

Sollux looks up, distracted from his code by the urgency of the curse.

“What?” he says.

“Fucking – fucking – that turd-fondling, musclebeast-fucking, wiggler-eating _fuck_.”

“KK, breathe. Are we talking about Dirk or EQ here?”

“Have a fucking look why don't you!”

He turns the husktop with a jerk then stands, hands curled into trembling fists. Sollux takes one look at the screen and sighs.

“We knew he wath planning thomething.”

“Dirk!” Karkat yells towards the stairs. “Nutrition block! Now! Planning something?” he says to Sollux. “Planning to get Equius arrested, himself detained as material evidence, us potentially cited for neglect, and Roxy removed from the premises? That is not a plan that is beastshit and I did not authorize it.”

“I didn't thay we knew he had a _good_ plan.”

Karkat's wrist is gripped by gentle psionic fingers. He resists for only a moment before giving in and allowing Sollux to tug him back to his seat.

“Fucking Troll Sun Tzu, always fucking with people's heads, never giving a thought to actual, real-world consequences, or how anybody else might fucking feel,” he mutters. Sollux paps his cheek and he closes his eyes.

“Considering the emotional well-being of others, nah, that's beastshit, that's for stupid wigglers who defecate in their scalebeast onesies, not for boy fucking genius and his robot army.”

Sollux keeps papping.

Karkat trails off with a sigh and cracks one eye to look over. Sollux is resting a hand on his cheek, smiling ruefully.

“We knew he wath planning thomething,” he repeats.

Karkat closes his eye again.

“And we should have known it would be something dumb.”

Sollux doesn't answer and they sit in silence, Sollux cupping his face, gently stroking one cheekbone with his thumb, until Dirk walks in. Karkat opens his eyes in time to see him recoil at the sight of them and smiles a little. You'd think having his own moirail would have deepened his understanding of pale relationships. Maybe it was just seeing his lusii that way that throws him off. Either way, it's funny.

Sollux drops his hand with a final pat and Karkat sits up from his slouch.

“Dirk,” he says. “Sit.”

Dirk eyes him, clearly suspicious. Sollux turns Karkat's husktop to face where he standing and says, “Thit down and explain.”

Dirk's ocular shields focus on the screen and, after a moment, he comes close enough to read it. Then he sits down.

Roxy pokes her head around the door and says, “What's he done, now? Can I sit in or is this no girls allowed?”

“Have a seat,” Karkat says, gesturing to her usual spot. “Pour yourself some coffee. Dirk was just getting ready to explain his latest dumbshit stunt.”

“Ooooo, yay!” Roxy hurries to obey. “I am always up for DiStri explanation time!”

“It's not a stunt,” Dirk says, mildly. “Stunt would imply I'm being in some way insincere. I'm deathly serious and you know it.”

“And the timing here is just a big fucking coincidence?” Karkat says as Roxy sits down. She slides a mug of coffee over to Dirk and clasps her hands around her own, smiling.

“Thank you, Roxy,” Dirk says and turns the husktop so she can see the topic of discussion. “Equius and I are now Trollbook official, as are me and Porrim. Karkat is accusing me of an ulterior motive.”

“Aw,” she says. “So cute. But, yeah, duh, since when do you do anything without an ulterior motive? Especially for going public with, like, anything. You are totes private unless you have a really good reason. You're baiting Kankri.”

“Nicely put, Lalonde,” Karkat says. “What I'd like to know is, _why _are you baiting Kankri? He's already baited. He's so baited he's caught and gutted and halfway through the grilling process. So why did you feel the need to do it _more_?”__

__“I'm not baiting Kankri,” Dirk answers. Karkat opens his mouth and Dirk lifts a hand. “I'm baiting law enforcement.” Karkat's mouth stays open but nothing comes out. Sollux puts a hand on his wrist._ _

__Dirk says, “You just said. Kankri's on to sizzle. We know his agenda. We know his battle plan. We don't know if he can pull the necessary strings to put that plan into action. This is the best way to find out.”_ _

__Karkat closes his mouth and takes a deep breath._ _

__“Ooooh,” Roxy says. “So if the cops bust in on Equius after Kankri tips them off we've got an opening to go to court and defend him all humans-are-people style.”_ _

__“That is, in essence, the plan. Equius or Porrim, but Equius is more likely. A Trollbook status isn't much by way of evidence and I don't plan to announce and the when and where of my pale liaisons.”_ _

__“But you're going to announthe your flush dateth,” Sollux says._ _

__“Exactly.”_ _

__“One question,” Karkat says. “No, scratch that, I've got about three million questions but as they're mostly variations on 'what the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you' I'll stick with one. Do Equius and Porrim know this is your plan?”_ _

__“Of course.” A flash of annoyance is visible on Dirk's face. “I discussed it thoroughly with both of them. Nepeta was also involved. I couldn't go through with this without their consent. I needed them to confirm the relationship status.”_ _

__“And that's the only reason,” Karkat says. Sollux's hand tightens on his wrist._ _

__“No. It's a reason. The other being – they could get fucking arrested.”_ _

__“Newsflash, asshole, so could we. Allowing our human to get involved in an illegal relationship? Definitely abuse or negligence or some fucking thing. And once that happens do you really think we could maintain custody of Roxy?”_ _

__Dirk's mouth tightens._ _

__“It's a risk,” he says. “Some have to be taken.”_ _

__“That's – ”_ _

__“It's not like it's a huge one,” Roxy puts in. “They barely put people in jail for actual abuse. So you guys'll be fine and if I get taken I bet Feferi can pull more major strings than Kankri. She can take me in and me and Janie'll get to have mega sleepover time until I can come back. And even if you do go to jail, Fef can just bail you out and you'll be there for a couple hours tops. It'll give you all sorts of new stuff to be mad at.”_ _

__“I thought we agreed when we started this we weren't going to rely on the fish princess for everything,” Karkat snaps. “When the fuck did that change? Did Feferi even agree to that change?”_ _

__“Let's find out,” Roxy says and produces her halmhusk from the pocket of her jeans._ _

__Karkat makes a sound of protest but Sollux knocks their shoulders together and changes his grip from Karkat's wrist to his hand. Karkat clings back but says, “Are you condoning this nookfuckery?”_ _

__“I don't like it,” Sollux says. “But, KK. They've already started.”_ _

__“Then they can _stop_ ,” Karkat says and then Roxy's voice breaks in._ _

__“Feferi, hey,” she says, cheerfully. “You got a few? Dirk's got a new scheme cooked up and we might need some backup.”_ _

__“If we don't get it,” Karkat says, glaring over at Dirk, “the 'scheme' is over. Got it?”_ _

__“We’ll get it,” Dirk says._ _

__“Okay, cool,” Roxy says. “Here's the deets.” She provides of precis of the night's conversation while Dirk and Karkat stare at each other, Dirk impassive, Karkat crushing Sollux's hand. “Okay,” she says, after a pause for reply. “Lemme put you on speaker.”_ _

__She places the palmhusk in the center of the table and Feferi's face appears in cheery hologram before them._ _

__“Shello!” she says._ _

__Karkat grunts and Sollux doesn't speak but Dirk says, “Hey, Feferi. Good of you to join us.”_ _

__“Of course!” she says. “And you know, Dirk, you could have just asked me at the meeting! Or any time since then! Reely, I don't understand why you had to go on planning in secret!”_ _

__“Because he's an imbecile,” Karkat says. “A pan-rotted, beastshit-brained moron who labors under the illusion the rest of us are the dumb ones when he is manifestly – ”_ _

__Sollux squeezes his hand and his mouth snaps shut for a moment. Then he says, “Well, Strider? The princess just asked the ninety-eight trillion credit question. You plan on answering?”_ _

__“I might,” Dirk replied. “If you would give me the opportunity.” He looks back at the hologram, smiling out at them. “I discussed the matter with both Porrim and Equius before moving forward. Nepeta was also involved, as was Janara, as our mole in the HPI.” He raises his voice over Karkat's indignant sputter. “I thought it was best to involve as few people as possible in the planning stage. Word gets around too fucking easy in this town and I'd rather Kankri not get wind of what's going on.”_ _

__“I can kelp a secret,” Feferi says, as if accepting this nonsense. Sollux's hand clamps down hard on Karkat's and he keeps his mouth shut. “And of course I'll help you out! Anything you need, just shell me! Just don't go jumping bail or I'll be one angry urchin!”_ _

__She fades, her face sliding from view for a moment before returning._ _

__“Sorry, that was Meenah! Gotta swim! Don't give him too hard a time, Crabsnack! Everything will be fine! Bye, everyone! Glub, glub, glub!”_ _

__And then she's gone, leaving them no chance to reply._ _

__“We've got her backing,” Dirk says, as Roxy tucks her palmhusk away._ _

__“I heard,” says Karkat, glaring on the space it had occupied._ _

__“The scheme continues,” Dirk tell him, then gets up and walks out._ _


	5. Chapter 5

TT: So we’ve agreed to go through with this.   
CT: D→ My decision has not changed in mere nights, Dirk.   
TT: Just checking. I’m gentlemanly like that, don’t wanna pressure you into anything you don’t want to do.   
CT: D→ I believe what I want has been amply demonstrated.   
TT: Are you flirting, right now?”   
CT: D→ It would behoof you to believe that I am capable of such things, yes.   
TT: Damn. I’m almost proud.   
TT: Mostly turned on but there’s a definite inkling of pride in there, too.   
TT: What are you wearing?   
CT: D→ Dirk.   
TT: I know, I know. No cybering. I’m just sayin’. I think I could get this pride thing going a little better with a nice, STRONG mental picture to work with.   
TT: Are you sweating?   
CT: D→ I will not participate in this conversation if you continue along such a 100d track.   
TT: Okay, fine. Flirtation done. On to business.   
TT: Henceforth we shall be businesslike as hell up in here.   
TT: Super serious business.   
TT: No more fucking around.   
TT: Certainly no more dwelling on how, if you did happen to be sweating, I’d like to lick it off your abs.   
CT: D→ . . .   
CT: D→ Dirk? Pardon me if I am incorrect but I am gaining the STRONG impression that you are nervous.   
TT: Nah.   
CT: D→ Dirk.   
TT: Okay, find, you got me. Maybe a little. What, are you my moirail now?   
CT: D→ I am content with the quadrant I am in, thank you.   
CT: D→ And admittedly fearful of what Miss Maryam might do if I attempted to usurp hers.   
TT: As you should be.   
CT: D→ Be that as it may, emotional honesty is of STRONG importance to all the quadrants, not only moirallegiance.   
CT: D→ And I am nervous, too.   
CT: D→ Dirk?   
CT: D→ Does that help?   
TT: Yeah.   
TT: It kinda does.   
TT: Flushed for you.   
CT: D→ And I for you.   
TT: Okay, sentimental digression over. Let’s plan shit.   
CT: D→ I am available tomorrow morning.   
TT: Starting at four okay with you? Any later and Karkat might flip out hard enough to try strifing me.   
CT: D→ I had hoped for later but the inconvenience will not be 100di%. Four will be fine.   
TT: Sweet. I’ll leave the rest to you. See you at four.   
TT: Wear something pretty.

 

The next evening, Dirk comes downstairs to find Sollux in the nutrition block. Karkat’s there, too, but that’s normal. He’s an evening person; Sollux is practically diurnal. It’s highly unusual for this hour to find him anywhere but in the recuperacoon or at his computer, coming to the end of an all-day coding session.

He looks tired, hunched over his coffee mug, but it’s waking-up sleepy rather than sleepless-day exhausted and it’s odd, is all. It’s very odd.

Karkat is cooking breakfast, which isn’t odd, but he’s not grumbling, which is. He looks almost -- relaxed.

Dirk is suddenly seized with the urge to abscond because he knows exactly what he just walked in on.

Then Sollux looks up with softly-shining eye and smiles.

“Evening, Dirk,” he says.

“Yeah, hi.”

Karkat glances back and gives him a scowl of greeting.

“I suppose you want breakfast, too?” he snaps.

“Don’t put yourself out, man,” Dirk says. “I can boil my own protein nodules.”

“Like fuck you can.” Karkat leaves the pan he was attending to fill a small pot with water.

Dirk sits warily at the consumption surface and eyes Sollux who looks back, amused.

“You’re up early,” Dirk hazards.

“Karkat woke me up flailing around,” Sollux tells him. “Tho I thought I’d get up with him. Thunthet ith nithe from thith thide. I might try it more often.”

Karkat snorts loudly but doesn’t comment.

“Unleth I’m intruding on your thpecial luthuth time with Karkat. Then I will regretfully forego ever getting up before midnight again.”

“Like you weren’t going to do that, anyway,” Karkat says. “I’m surprised you haven’t shriveled into a husk as it is. Here.” He puts a platter of fried nodules, toasted nutrition slices, and crispy oinkbeast strips in front of Sollux. “Eat it before I dump your ass for someone who actually has an ass, you scrawny fuck.”

“You have enough ath for any relationship,” Sollux says and slaps it as Karkat turns away.

Dirk buries his face in his hands as Karkat rains invective on a snickering Sollux.

“You guys are pale,” he says. “ _Pale._ Are you just doing this to torment me?”

“I don’t thee what that hath to do with anything,” Sollux says cheerfully. “I can apprethiate KK’s primo ath and thtill be pale ath fuck for him. Watch.”

“Oh, fuck, no!”

There’s a creak of a seating unit on the linoleum and Karkat shrieks. Dirk keeps his face in his hands and considers going back to his respite platform, burrowing under the thermal shrouds, and not coming out again until the darkness has burned this entire evening from his thinksponge. 

“Fuck you, fuck you, I hate you!”

“Beathtshit!”

Until Sollux himself has been burned from his thinksponge. That sounds even better.

Eventually, the cursing quiets down and Sollux mutters, “Thorry.” Dirk peeks out, only to bury his eyes again before he has to observe the inevitable petting and forehead kisses that come with that kind of hug. He doesn’t look up until the seating unit has scraped the floor again and Sollux’s bony finger prods his shoulder. Dirk glances once towards Karkat’s determinedly turned back, over at the stove, again, and turns to glare at Sollux. Sollux grins.

“Ehehe. Too warm for you?” he asks.

“You are my lusus figures,” Dirk points out. “There are some things I never need to see or hear my lusii doing and you just did most of them.”

“Ehehehe.” Sollux takes a leisurely drink of his coffee. “There are thome thingth a luthuth never needth to thee or hear about hith wiggler doing,” he says, “and you plan on doing motht of them in public. Fair’th fair.” 

“Seriously,” Dirk says. “ _Seriously._ Are you shitting me right now? This is seriously revenge for my thing with Equius?”

“Not entirely. We did have a really nithe pile latht night.”

Dirk puts a palm to his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut.

“I’m happy for you,” he says. “Please don’t tell me about it.”

Sollux snickers.

Karkat says, “It’s all your fault, so I don’t know what you’re getting squeamish about.” Dirk looks over, curious despite himself. Karkat’s back is still turned but his nape is flushed bright red. Good to know this is equally mortifying for someone.

“We were -- _discussing_ \-- ways to cope with our inevitable imprisonment once your _plan_ does into motion.”

“You are _not_ going to prison,” Dirk says.

“We could,” says Karkat. “Easily. Human negligence cases that end in the imprisonment of the accused aren’t unfuckingheard-of. you know.”

“You’re not _negligent_ ,” Dirk says.

“Letting you get involved in an illegal romantic relationship -- ”

“ _Let._ Like you could have stopped me.”

“Legally speaking, we should have. Which you _know_.”

“Ehe, yeah. You’re being kind of intentionally denthe here, DS.”

“And you’re being ridiculous. Both of you. You’re not going to prison. I won’t allow it.”

Karkat snorts. He takes the pot off the stove and moves to the sink to cool Dirk’s protein nodules.

“If the copth want it to happen, it’ll happen,” Sollux says. “There’th not a whole lot you can do about it.”

“It won’t happen,” Dirk says again. “So stop talking about it.”

It’s because he hadn’t had any coffee yet that he’s losing his cool. That must be it. His hands are clenched into fists in his lap and he loosens them with an effort before standing and heading for the coffee maker. That’s what he needs. Get some caffeine in his system and he’ll be fine. 

The lack of caffeine is all that’s letting this rile him. It has nothing to do with their easy affection, with Sollux’s teasing and Karkat’s grumbling, with the idea of them murmuring secrets in their pile, of them being in separate cells and unable to reach out to each other. Those ideas are there, but they aren’t what’s bothering him. They can’t be.

Dirk doesn’t notice the look they exchange behind his back, rueful and sympathetic, and when he sits back down, mug full, Karkat puts toasted nutrition loaf slices and hard boiled protein nodules in front of him and doesn’t say anything as he peels them, not even to complain about the spoon Dirk left in the bag of sweetening agent.

“Tho,” Sollux says, when Karkat has joined them, scrambled protein nodules and coffee in hand. “Ith Zahhak picking you up?”

Dirk swallows a bite of protein nodule.

“At four,” he says. “He’s coming when he’s done at work.”

“Early,” Sollux observes.

“Best light for the photoshoot.” Troll cameras work best in low light; anything too bright comes out over-exposed. “Which reminds me, I’ll need some pictures taken when I’m all prettied up. One of you want to do it, or should I ask Roxy?”

“Roxy,” they say as one, Karkat annoyed, Sollux with a smile.

“She would loathe to lothe the chanthe,” he adds.

Dirk nods.

“Thought I’d give you guys the option,” he says. “See if you want prom pictures of your little prince.”

Sollux snickers.

Karkat says, “What pictures? What the fuck does that mean?”

“Human coming-of-age ritual,” Dirk says. “I read about it in the Crocker Corp files.”

“Is there any part of that shit you haven’t scoured?”

“I’m leaving most of the medical shit to the Nitrams.”

“I’m sure they appreciate that, being the actual medical professionals and everything.”

“Yeah, Tavros requested it actually. Though there is a book on basic emergency medicine I’ve been looking at. Most of it’s not that different from what you’d do with a troll but it’s interesting.” He eyes Karkat, who looks as though he smells something foul. “Bad time to ask for a stethoscope?” he asks.

Karkat growls at him.

“Thought so.”

 

Dirk has, with the help of the ever-obliging Maryams, compiled an Outfit for the evening. Generally he’s a jeans-and-t-shirts kind of guy, throw on a hoodie when it’s cold, swap for shorts and a tank top to beat the heat or show off some muscle. He’s never needed an Outfit before, not since Kankri used to drag him along to terrible parties, and he willing confesses  to being totally fucking clueless when it came to clothes. Luckily, he made that confession to Porrim while Kanaya was home and fifteen minutes and a lot of measuring later he had a suit, shirt, and tie on overnight delivery from what he was assured was the only designer of men’s clothing worth bothering with. The shirt was white, the suit charcoal, and the tie orange -- darker than he preferred but that was troll formalwear for you.

Dirk has no idea how to do a tie properly but Trolltube helps with all things and he makes an all right job of it before slipping into the jacket and tracking down Roxy.

She is in her block and she whistles when he lets himself in. He was expecting this and does a spin for her.

“What’s the verdict?” he says, facing her with a hand on his hip. “Am I beautiful?”

“Hot damn, Di Stri, you clean up _nice_ ,” she says and hops off her respite platform to have a closer look. “Equibabe is gonna be all over that. Oh, yeah. Spin again. Yeah, that’s the shit, right there.”

She laughs when he blows a kiss and he does, too, more softly. This whole dressing up thing isn’t half bad and he might consider diversifying his wardrobe, if Kanaya and Porrim hadn’t forbidden him from seeing the total cost with worrying determination. 

“So,” Roxy says, fishing her palmhusk from her pocket. “We gonna do pics?”

“Shit, yeah,” Dirk says. “And be sure she to tag me in them so they show up on my timeline.”

“Psh,” says Roxy. “I am so on this shit. Okay, gimme a smolder.”

Dirk laughs again and the artificial shutter clicks.

“That is not a smolder, ” Roxy says. “It’s cute, though.”

“Not cute,” says Dirk. “I’ve got an image to maintain.”

“An image as a dork.”

Dirk snorts and the shutter goes several more times.

Dirk doesn’t manage a smolder (“Come on, pretend Eq is here and you’re gettin’ him all hot and bothered.” “Oh, so you want the katana out?”) but he preens for her -- smooths his lapels, straightens the collar with a flourish -- and strikes a few dramatic poses. They get sillier as the minutes pass but a few pictures turn out and Dirk hands over her shoulder as she uploads them to Trollbook with the caption, “Dirk Strider dressin it up for date niiiiite”.

“Very nice,” Dirk approves and hesitates. He looks at Roxy, who looks back.

She gives him a knowing smiling.

“I called Crobutt,” she says. “He’s bringing Eridan and Dave over at four-thirty. So don’t worry, kay? Karkat will be nice and distracted and won’t show up to wreck your romansu.”

Dirk nods and feels some of the tension drain from his shoulders.

“I was a little more worried about him working himself into a bloodpusher attack, but that works, too. Thanks, Roxy.”

She laughs.

“You’re not the only mastermind in this hive,” she says. “You’ve just the only one who thinks he needs to show it off all the time.”

The doorgrub shrieks, saving him from defending himself or admitting it and he leaves with his pride in tact.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued and heartfelt thanks to my beta, quietserval, and to everyone who's commented. I love you guys.

“It’s a fuckin’ travesty is what it is,” Eridan tells Karkat forty-five minutes later in the nutrition block. Cronus and Roxy are playing some Trolltendo game with Dave in the rec block and Sollux absconded to commune with his bees as soon as he heard the word ‘Ampora’. Just as well. Eridan is in rare form, cranky and gesticulating since before Karkat opened the portal, and the last thing they need is Sollux stoking the fire.

“They’re keepin’ ‘em in _kennels_ , Kar,” he says, for maybe the seventh time. For about the seventeenth, Karkat grimaces. “Just these little fucking, what, ten by ten block with a fuckin’ commode in the corner. They get out for an hour at midnight and then it’s back to the fuckin’ kennel. Wonder ain’t none of ‘em’s killed anyone, the way way they’re treated.” 

“I know, Eridan,” Karkat says. “Humans are treated horribly in troll society. That’s the whole idea behind the HRI.”

“An’ this was one a the nice ones,” Eridan says. It’s maybe the fifth time. “I can’t even fuckin’ imagine what the rest are like.”

“Cages, probably,” Karkat says and then regrets it because it sets Eridan off again.

“Why are you even looking into human daycare?” he breaks in, when several minutes have passed and Eridan shows no sign of slowing down. “I thought you and Cronus had your schedules synced up and you know we can babysit.”

“It ain’t the daycare part we’re interested in,” Eridan says. “It’s the education. Cro and I were talkin’ about what Dirk said, about the kid needin’ to learn? An’ we were like, fuck, we both work, we got our hands full just takin’ care a the little guy, is there maybe a preschool or some shit for humes? Well, there ain’t, as it turns out, there’s just this kennel fishshit.”

“Ah,” Karkat said, “Well, fuck. We should have expected that. It never came up with Dirk and Roxy since they’re mostly self-taught. I never worked but I can see how it would be an issue. And of fucking course there’s no way a troll preschool would take him.”

Eridan laughs, unpleasant and jagged. “Fuck, no, we thought a that. Tried my old school -- best in the Empire my ass -- an’ they fuckin’ laughed. Can you believe that?”

“Tragically, yes.”

“I fuckin’ couldn’t. As if Davey couldn’t run rings around the lot of the snot-nosed wigglers. He’s fuckin’ smart, Kar.”

“With Dirk and Roxy as genetic donors, I don’t doubt it,” Karkat says. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell us you were having this problem?”

“What?” Eridan sniffs. “So you could say ‘no shit’ and laugh at me?”

“So we could help you, dumbfuck,” Karkat says. “It might have escaped your notice but I’m still on the mutant stipend and Sollux works from home and Roxy and Dirk are still people who exist. You want your kid educated, we might not have formal fucking accreditation but we’re better than nothing.”

Eridan gawks at him.

“You’d do that?” he asks.

Karkat growls a little.

“Of course we would. How fucking stupid are you? Wait, don’t answer that. I know exactly how fucking stupid you are, you’re stupid enough to ask that fucking question, so it’s a good thing you won’t be responsible for educating your human child since it’s obviously a miracle you ever figured out how to respirate properly.”

“Are you fighting?” Dave says, from right be-fucking-hind him, nearly scaring Karkat out of his skin in the process. Karkat turns in his chair to see the little human staring up at them, inscrutable behind the triangular ocular shields.

“Don’t fight,” Dave says and Karkat recovers himself enough to speak.

“We’re not fighting,” he says. “I was merely stating that your lusus is a grub-brained moron. There is nothing to fight about in that statement as it is incontrovertible fact.”

He scowls over at Eridan, who goes purple in the fins.

“Hey, now,” he says, and stops when Dave climbs up into his lap.

“Eridan’s not dumb,” Dave says. “Eridan got me a cape.”

“He can get you as many capes as there are luminous plasma spheres in the sky and it won’t make up for his crimes against intellect.”

“He makes electricity,” Dave points out. “At work. That’s what he does. Can you make electricity?”

Eridan is looking down at Dave with something between awe and delight on his face and Karkat is forced to accept that he is taking part in something really fucking cute right now.

“I can’t make electricity,” Karkat allows. “I am, however, capable of picking up a palmhusk and utilizing it to contact a friend to request help when necessary, and further capable of deducing when a friend would be perfectly fucking willing to provide that help were I to ask. So that’s two I’ve got on your guardian, here.”

“Eridan needs help?” There’s a shade of an expression on Dave’s face but Karkat can’t parse it. Dave looks around at Eridan. “You need help?”

“Damn right he does,” Karkat says, when Eridan seems unable to answer. “And we’re going to give it to him. And you, too. Roxy,” he calls towards the rec block. “Get Sollux. We’ve got a class schedule to make up.”

 

The show doesn’t start until five and it’s a nice morning; they decide to walk for a while, from Old Trollville to Midtown, and get a cab from there. The trees are in full bloom, bright and fragrant in the moonlight, and the warm season it on its way. Dirk reaches out and Equius holds his hand very gently as they walk.

Equius is in a navy suit, black shirt, and a tie the same dark cobalt as his blood. It doesn’t look as strange as Dirk might have expected. It looks good. His hair is tied back and his high cheekbones stand out, look kissable.

“You look great,” Dirk tells him, and the palm cradling his turns clammy.

“I am -- That is -- I’m glad you think so,” Equius rumbles. “You also look -- excellent.”

“I know, right?” Dirk tugs on his hand. “Relax, Equius. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re just a couple of well-dressed dudes on our way to dinner.”

“We are hardly just that,” Equius says, but he smiles.

“Okay, you got me. We aren’t ‘just’ anything. We are far too stylin’ for ‘just’.” He pulls his hand from Equius’s loose grip and slides it through his elbow instead, and feels the rumble of Equius’s chuckle through his side.

“Ineed,” Equius says and they walk on.

 

Lavendar is a highblood restaurant in a highblood part of town, catering to highbloods, owned by highbloods, and staffed by olive green and down. The maitre’d is blue, though, shown by his tie and recently-turned eyes. Those eyes find Equius and his thin lips turn up; then he sees Dirk and they go thinner and tight.

“Zahhak, party of two,” Equius says. “We have a reservation.” His voice is level but Dirk can feel the tension in his arm.

“Mr. Zahhak, yes,” says the maitre’d, whose nametag reads, simply, Tigran. “But I fear there has been a misunderstanding. We do not allow -- pets.”

“I am aware of that,” says Equius. “I have not brought any pets. I have brought only myself and my dining companion, Mr. Strider.”

“I see,” says Tigran, eyeing Dirk with wary distaste. “Be that as it may, we do not allow humans. There are -- hygiene concerns.”

“I’ve had my shots,” Dirk volunteers, when Equius seems baffled. “And I even took a shower, today, just for you guys.”

“Mr. Zahhak,” Tigran says. “Surely you understand. This is a respectable establishment. However attached you may be to your pet -- ”

“He is not a pet,” Equius says, voice dangerously low. Dirk slips his hand from between his arm and his body and rests it lightly on his back instead. “Mr. Strider is my matesprit and I will not tolerate your disrespect.”

Expressions flicker across Tigran’s face -- shock and disgust most obvious -- before he’s back in control.

“Perhaps you would like to speak with the manager,” he says. 

“I would like that very much,” rumbles Equius, and Tigran goes.

As they wait, Dirk rubs little circles in Equius’s back. It’s a little pale, but he doesn’t think Nepeta will mind.

“All right there?” he mutters, wishing they’d chosen a restaurant with a dining room view from the entrance. He’d have preferred an audience.

“I am perfectly fine,” says Equius.

“You’re doing great,” Dirk tells him, then asks, purely to keep him talking, “What time’s the next reservation?”

“Five forty-five,” Equius says.

“Walkable?”

“Oh, quite.”

“Let’s do that then.” Tigran is back in sight, trailing a shorter, bulkier troll in a deeper blue. “If this guy doesn’t prove reasonable, I mean.”

“I think it unlikely he will,” says Equius and draws himself up a little taller.

“Mr. Zahhak,” says the manager. “I understand you have a problem?”

 

The second and third restaurants go better, from Dirk’s perspective; at the second they’re visible from the dining area and by the third they’re probably audible from the dairy monger next door. Rather than losing heart, as Porrim has pessimistically suggested he might, each denial has made Equius more determined. Dirk has to pull pretty hard to get him out the third door and it’s at this point he calls a time out and puts Nepeta on speakerhusk -- not because he wants to eavesdrop, but because he doubts Equius can hold anything without crushing it to dust.

Number four actually offers to seat them on the patio, which Equius takes as the insult it is without prompting, and at the fifth restaurant Dirk almost feels bad for the host. He’s clearly in the middle of his dinner rush and doesn’t need any more problems but the face he makes when Equius plays the ‘matesprit’ card chases away any sympathy Dirk might have had. It’s less ‘you’re pailing a _human_ ’ than ‘ _you’re_ pailing a human’ and the implication Equius would do better rankles.

Equius doesn’t notice -- of course he doesn’t -- but Dirk points it out during a rather extended wait for the manager.

“Ludicrous,” Equius says. “The idea that I could -- That I would -- ”

“Don’t have to defend yourself to me, babe,” Dirk tells him, not bothering to feel his voice down. “I know I’m a choice piece of ass.”

“You are more than that,” Equius says. “You are -- exceptional. And if these cretins can’t see that -- ” Words fail him and his suit -- already stiff with sweat shed and dried -- gets another drenching.

“Fuck ‘em,” Dirk suggests.

“Yes,” Equius agrees. “That.”

The sixth and last restaurant ‘is in High Trollville and, after another round of shouting, they make their way through the side streets to the Maryam hive, exactly on time.

 

Nepeta accosts them at the door, barely greeting Dirk before hauling Equius into the rec block for a pap or seven and Dirk is relieved. He likes to think he did okay on their journey, but soothing highblood rages are not his forte. His forte is sick beats and badass robots and quiet conversation with gorgeous jadeblood rainbow drinkers. Gorgeous jadeblood rainbow drinkers much like the one gesturing him down the hall to the nutrition block. Not exactly like her, but close. 

“Hey, Kanaya,” he says, moving towards her. “Don’t suppose Nepeta brought any clean clothes for Equibabe? He really needs to change.”

“She did, in fact,” Kanaya says. “They are in the ablution block, for whenever he’s ready for them.”

“Sweet.” He steps into the nutrition block and is drawn at once to Porrim, stirring a pot on the stove. “Porrim,” he says. “Sweetheart. Snowflake. My paler half. Tell me that will be ready to eat, soon. I could eat a musclebeast, right now, and I think we can all agree that giving into the impulse would be a fucking tragedy.”

“It’s already done,” she answers. “I’m just keeping it warm.”

“Shit, yeah. Gimme.”

“Not until Nepeta and Equius join us. And you wash your hands.”

“You are a cruel woman,” he says but goes and washes his hands and then allows Kanaya to usher him to a seat. She’s looking at him oddly, like she expects him to be injured.

“You’ve been talking to Karkat, haven’t you?” he says, as she sits down across from him. “I’m fine. Look, no bruises or abrasions. Ignore my neck, those were consensual.”

Kanaya does not appear amused. “I have been talking to Sollux,” she says. “You’ll be happy to know that your hive has not been burned down in your absence.”

“I hope not. I’ve only been gone five hours.”

“You have, however, been volunteered for some new responsibilities,” she goes on, as if Dirk hadn’t spoken. And then she explains.

This is how Dirk learns he will now be tutoring Dave during the Ampora’s work hours and his response is, “Sweet. I’ve been hoping this would happen. Gonna teach the little man mad math and shit.”

“I believe Roxy has already claimed math,” Kanaya tells him. “But I’m sure she’ll be open to sharing.”

“Damn straight she will,” says Dirk. “Genetics can suck it, that’s my little bro.”

“Your territorial instincts are, as ever, touching,” Porrim says and Dirk feels himself go pink. “But that is not currently our highest concern. Will you be able to handle the responsibility of teaching Dave in addition to your preexisting commitments?”

“Shit, yeah,” Dirk says. And, before she can persist, “The HRI is for Dave. It was about him to begin with. It’s never not been about him.”

Porrim examines him closely while Kanaya looks the other way.

“Very well, then,” Porrim concludes. “How did your mission go?”

“Not bad,” Dirk says and feels himself grimace. He doesn’t look at Kanaya, in case she saw. “Equius is all kinds of not happy but we did what we set out to do. Got a little attention, raised a little hell. Nobody called the cops, though.”

“Do you consider this a positive or a negative?” Porrim asks.

“I dunno. Both?” He considers. “Don’t get me wrong, I am all about not being arrested. But seeing if we would get arrested was the whole point. How can we find out if no one calls the cops?”

“Most inconvenient, I agree,” Porrim says, voice this with irony. She’s not a fan of the whole ‘getting arrested’ part of his scheme.

“The Silk Centaur did offer to seat us,” Dirk adds. “On the patio. In case I decided to piss on the floor, I guess. We heard about ‘hygiene concerns’ a couple of times. The fuck do they think I’m going to do?”

“It’s a mystery,” Porrim says.

“One unlikely to solved,” adds Kanaya. “I suspect most trolls have simply not thought very deeply on the issue.”

“If that is the case,” says Equius from the door, “we must make them think.”

“That’s the plan, babe,” Dirk says. “Feel like dinner? Whatever Porrim’s got for us smells amazing.”

“Quite,” Equius agrees. “But first -- Nepeta informs me she’s brought some of my clothing. If you wouldn’t mind directing me to them -- ?”

Kanaya glances between Porrim and Dirk then stands. “I’ll show you,” she says, and leads him away.

Alone with his moirail, Dirk slips off his ocular shields and looks at her. She looks back.

“Well?” she says.

“My personhood was rejected without thought by every person we interacted with,” he says. “They all seemed to think Equius was suffering a psychotic break or something. It wasn’t -- ” He stops and swallows.

“We knew it wouldn’t be easy,” she says.

“We knew right. It won’t.” He purses his lips to keep them from betraying anything deeper. “But we’ve gotta do it anyway.”

“Of course,” she says and, after a moment of watchful silence, turns back to the stove.

Dirk puts his shields back in place and settled back in his seat, lets the smell of good food and his moirail’s presence slide some of the weight from his shoulders.

It won’t be easy, but they’ll do it.

He thinks of Dave, so small, still, so fragile. Dave, who he’ll teach numbers and music. Dave, who he’s doing all of this for.

For Dave, it has to be done.


	7. Chapter 7

For Public Date Number Two, Dirk and Equius have a picnic. It’s a nice picnic in a nice park and Dirk takes a nice picture of their interlocked fingers. From the park, there’s a nice view of the local police station, but nothing happens.

Date Three is a reprise of Date One with different restaurants. They’re running out of highblood places so they hit a few catering mostly to midbloods. It’s kind of interesting in that they all seem to have been warned. No one seems shocked or caught off guard, anyway, and one host apologizes to Dirk as she sends them away. He feels for her -- she’s a rustblood, probably treated terribly by the management -- but can’t help thinking she’s a coward.

When he’s not planning for or going on dates with Equius, Dirk is splitting his time between teaching Dave with Roxy, feelings jams with Porrim, and strategy meetings with Karkat and Janara. Karkat remains unhappy about the ‘dumbshit plan’ but he’s just complaining, rather than trying to talk anyone out of anything and he can complain all he wants. He always has.

They end up putting off Public Date Four when Vriska shows up and declares it _flashmob time ag8!!!!!!!!_ They spend a full night practicing and then executing a coordinated dance routine in the same park as Date Number Two. Samy, Janara’s youngest, comes to watch but doesn’t join in which is just as well. Dirk, Roxy, Jane, and Jake are getting pretty used to each other. 

Dirk does ask how Sara’s doing.

“She’s alive,” Samy says and asks if Dirk needs a cape. He emphatically does not.

They hand out a lot of literature and talk with a lot of people and, the next evening, he goes over to the Zahhak’s place for an actual, nonpolitical date. Of course it’s then shit decides to go down.

 

Things are going well -- nice and slow, not too heavy. Equius is sitting on the multiseat unit in his workshop with Dirk in his lap and they’re kissing, long and slow, Dirk’s hands cupping Equius’s face, Equius’s arms loose around his waist and it’s good. It’s comfortable and warm, a hell of a turn-on even with all their clothes accounted for, and Dirk wore shorts with this in mind, so he could feel Equius’s stockings against his calves. He’s not planning to push it and ask for more -- they’ve never done more than this -- but the possibility of more is there, in the air around them, and Dirk thinks he could stay like this forever, never set foot outside the workshop again, as long as he had this.

Equius is being bold, slipping one large hand under Dirk’s tanktop to rest lukewarm and heavy against his bare skin, and Dirk is starting to think maybe trying for more won’t lead to a gentle rebuff, this time, when the portal is kicked in.

Sort of kicked in. It’s kicked, certainly, the noise tells them as much, but it’s designed with Zahhaks in mind and doesn’t so much as shift on its hinges. They both turn and blink at it.

There’s another kick, slightly louder and with similar results, and then rapid hammering and a voice too muffled to make out.

 _Have these people never heard of intercoms?_ Dirk thinks and shifts so Equius can get to his palmhusk.

Equius pulls up the intercom app and says, “The portal is not locked, if you would like to come in.”

Dirk buries a snicker in Equius’s neck doesn’t move. Equius’s hand is still on his back, so he thinks he approves. There’s a pause and then the portal swings open. It’s kind of an anticlimax, even with all the riot gear.

“Hey,” Dirk says as the cops converge on them.

“Equius Zahhak,” says one. “You are under arrest for sexual misconduct with the human pet known as Dirk Strider. Will you please come with us?”

“Rude,” says Dirk.

“Certainly,” says Equius and moves Dirk, gently and without effort, to the seat beside him. It is all kinds of swoon-worthy and Dirk considers swooning. Equius stands and two of the cops -- one expressionless, the other distinctly nervous -- begin to cuff him.

“Is this necessary?” says Equius, eyeing the cuffs with disdain. They’re clearly modified from the usual but he could still break them in a second. “I am not resisting.”

“Standard procedure,” the expressionless cop says.

The third cop has come around to the multiseat unit. He looks confused.

“Are you -- Dirk Strider?” He’s talking a little too loud and a little too slow, like he thinks human equals hard of hearing.

“Yeah, hi,” says Dirk. “Who are you?”

The guy looks even more confused but tells him in that same too loud, too slow tone.

“I am -- Largaf Menito. I am -- a peace-keeping officer. Can you please -- come with me?”

“Why should I?” Dirk says. “I like it here.”

Officer Menito doesn’t know how to respond. The calmest officer snaps, “Because you’re being detained as evidence. Menito, stop bantering and cuff the little prick.”

“Is that standard procedure, too?” Dirk asks but lets Menito cuff him. Equius with a look of annoyance that clearly frightens the nervous cop.

They’re put in separate cars, which is a shame. Dirk is in a cuddling mood.

 

All things considered, it’s a good thing Cronus is there. That’s not a thought Karkat ever expected to have -- not since Kankri crashed that one HRI meeting, anyway -- but it is a damn good thing Cronus is there when the cops show up.

They’re out in the lawn square, taking a break from Dave’s lessons, Karkat and Sollux sitting on the outdoor multiseat unit while Roxy tried to convince Dave to play catch and Cronus strums idly at his guitar in the grass. Eridan is at work, so it’s just the five of them and things have been pretty peaceful. Cronus is surprisingly not terrible at spelling and sentence structure for someone who talks and types like a complete tool and Dave focuses better with one of his guardians close by. Karkat had made lunch for everyone and it was turning out to be a nice, quiet night.

Dirk will later say that cops have such a way with timing. Karkat will kick him for it.

There are three of them -- two in uniform, the last in a suit. Cronus stops strumming as they approach and Roxy gathers Dave up in her arms. They head for Karkat and Sollux and the woman in the suit speaks.

“Karkat Vantas and Sollux Captor?”

“That’s us,” Karkat says and grips the hand Sollux slips into his.

“I’m Detective Ataria Musrow. You’re under arrest for the criminal neglect of the human known as Dirk Strider.”

Karkat looks at Sollux who looks back, horns faintly sparking.

Cronus, now on his feet, says, “You got a warrant?”

Musrow looks at him and he takes a step closer. “Of course.”

“Cronus Ampora, Seavior’s Corp,” he says. “Lemme have a look.”

She takes a folded sheaf from the inner pocket of her jacket.

“I’m only required to show these to the subjects under arrest,” she says.

“Oh, give them to him,” Karkat snaps. “If you’re taking us in, he’s out best shot getting out in a timely fucking fashion, gog help us.”

Musrow hands them to Cronus and turns back to Karkat and Sollux. “If you’d come with us,” she says.

“Bail ain’t bad, all considered,” Cronus says, as Karkat and Sollux are duly cuffed. Karkat is grumbling and Sollux is sparking but neither make any move to resist. “I’ll cover it.”

“You’ll what?” says Karkat. “No, fuck, Ampora, just call Feferi and -- ”

“Nah.” Cronus tucks the warrants into his back pocket. “I mean, I’ll let her know, sure, but there’s no need to lay it all on the Heiress. I’ll call Pyrope and we’ll get this shit sorted out. Home for dinner, yeah?”

Karkat begins to sputter a reply but Sollux knocks their shoulders together and then Musrow speaks again.

“Is Roxy Lalonde here?”

“The fuck does -- ” begins Karkat and Sollux knocks into him again.

“I’m here,” says Roxy, and comes closer, carrying Dave on her hip. Dave’s eyes, faintly visible behind his ocular shields, are very wide.

“I have a court order for the removal of Roxy Lalonde from the premises.” Musrow produces another document, which Cronus snags. “As well as any other humans currently dwelling here.” Her eyes are on Dave.

“That’s Dave Strider,” Cronus says, “an’ he dwells with me, so keep your mitts off. ‘Guardians are under suspicion’, yada yada, ‘to be placed in the care of’ oh fuck no.” He looks at Musrow and snaps. “Roxy ain’t goin’ into the ‘care’ of Kankri fuckin’ Vantas.”

“Of course she’s not,” says Karkat.

“Fuck, no!” says Roxy.

Sparks rain down from Sollux’s horns.

“The order is very clear,” says Musrow, but she’s looking at Roxy and for the first time her face is troubled.

“I can see that,” says Cronus. “An’ it’s beast shit. Kankri’s the one who called in the tip on these guys, that has gotta be some kinda conflict, and I got witnesses on speed dial can say he’s guilty a human neglect his own self. He fired a fuckin’ pistol as a hume, once, what’re you trying do, givin’ him custody a one?”

Musrow is now visibly shocked.

“He fired a pistol -- ?” she begins.

“Yeth,” says Sollux. “We were there. We thaw it. Put uth under oath, fuck! Take Rokthy if you have to but that guy’th crathy.”

“I can’t just -- ”

Cronus whips out his palmhusk.

“Heiress Feferi Peixes has agreed to take her in if Kar an’ Sol can’t keep her,” he says. “An’ we’ll have a formal fuckin’ petition to that effect in within the hour.

“Yeah,” agrees Roxy, and holds Dave tighter. “Fuck if I’m going to Kankri, he tried to shoot Dirk.”

“Dirk _Strider_ ,” says Musrow.

“Duh,” says Roxy.

Musrow begins to say something else, then looks at the two uniforms.

“Take Captor and Vantas in the transport,” she says. “I’ll be back shortly.”

“I am not going anywhere if you plan to give Roxy to that -- ”

“Karkat,” Sollux says and they look at each other, Karkat flaming furious, Sollux with cold rage. “Leave it to RX and CN.”

“Sollux -- ”

“Do it, KK, I don’t like it either.” Another rain of sparks; one of the uniforms winces as they hit his hands.

“Take them,” Musrow repeats. “Mr. Ampora, I’m going to need your contact information. And you can rest assured. . .”

Karkat and Sollux are too far away to hear what comes next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of 8/3/15, this story is taking a brief hiatus while the author works her day job/prepares for her best friend's wedding/copes with the consequences of a bad decision. It will be back soon.


	8. Chapter 8

Eridan gets the call on his way home from work. Once he would have ignored calls from his hatchmate, knowing it was nothing more important than a plea to pick up hair product or some hysteria about another harassment complaint. But Cronus has changed in the last sweep and maybe Eridan has, too. There’s Dave to consider now, after all.

So he answers, terrible as the husk reception is on the subterranean public conveyance system. He answers with, “What?” still half-expected to be roped into buying hair products. “Ain’t you supposed to be at Kar’s place?”

“I am at Kar’s place,” Cronus tells him. “Me an’ Davey are currently the only ones at Kar’s place and we’re about to leave. You almost home?”

“I will be in twenty and the fuck d’you mean, you’re the only ones there? Like fuck would they leave you to rifle through their shit.”

“I am doin’ no such thing an’ I resent the implication that I would. No, Davey, it’s cool,” he says. “It is totally cool. Look, Eri, I’m bringin’ the kid home. If you got any plans tonight, cancel ‘em, you’re watchin’ him.”

As it happens, Eridan doesn’t have any plans but he resents this high-handed treatment of his social life.

“As a matter a fact -- ”

“Can it,” says Cronus. “Kar an’ Sol got arrested.”

Eridan’s mouth opens. Closes again. He blinks twice.

And then, “ _What?_ ”

A few fellow passengers look at him, annoyed or questioning, and he lowers his voice.

“They got _what_? What the fuck _for_? Don’t your dare tell me this is your shitty idea a a joke, Cro, because I swear to fins -- ”

“No joke,” Cronus breaks in. “Truth’s golden, it happened. Negligence for lettin’ Dirk mess around with Zahhak. Just like the little shit planned it.”

“Jegus,” says Eridan. “Jegus fuck, Cro.”

“Don’t I know it. Just got off the husk with Latula. We’re gonna go bail ‘em out but I don’t wanna drag the kid down to the jail so I’m bringin’ him home. When’d you say you’d be there?”

“On the conveyance, now,” Eridan says, blinking rapidly, his mouth on autopilot. “See you in, what, fifteen? But Cro, what about Zahhak? And Porrim? Are they -- ?” He stops.

“I dunno, Eri, but I’ll bail all the chumps that need bailin’, don’t worry about that. We’ll deal with the court shit once that’s done. Why don’t you give Maryam and Zahhak a call? I gotta get in touch with the Heiress.”

“What’d’ya need Fef for?”

“Roxy got taken by the state. They’re trying to give her over to shithead so we need strings pulled and now.”

“Shit head?” Eridan says. “You don’t mean -- ”

“That’s exactly who I mean.”

The vice of anxiety tightens around Eridan’s ribcage. He can’t breathe quite right.

“Cro,” he says. “Are you -- You’re not -- ”

“Bail first, jam later, Eri,” Cronus says. “Now make those calls. We’ll see you soon.”

Eridan gets through to Porrim as he’s climbing the stairs to street level and finds himself in the less-than-enviable position of breaking the news to her.

“I’m not what?” she says, to his relieved greeting. “Ampora. I’m not what?”

“Well, see,” he says, jostling his way through the after work crush with speed born of practice and desperation. “It’s like this.”

He tells her what he knows from his conversation with Cronus then adds, “An’ I just got off with Horrus. He confirmed it, Eq an’ Dirk got picked up an hour ago. He’s been standin’ around freakin’ out ever since.”

“That is less than useful,” Porrim says. “Though I can’t understand what they would take Dirk in for. Some kind of examination, I suppose, to see whether -- ” She stops. When she begins, again, her voice is cold. “I see.”

“You see what?” Even as he says it, Eridan sees, too. But he prefers not to and persists. “What’d’ya see, Porrim? Come on.”

“I’m sure you can work it out for yourself,” she says. “Thank you for the information, Ampora. Goodbye.”

“What?” says Eridan. “No, Porrim, wait, what -- ?”

But she’s gone. Eridan curses, loud enough to merit stares, and runs the rest of the way home.

 

Getting bailed out of jail by Cronus fucking Ampora was one of the most humiliating experiences of Karkat’s life, up there with being arrested in front of Cronus fucking Ampora, occupying the same room as Cronus fucking Ampora, and being the same species as Cronus fucking Ampora. Existing in relation to Cronus fucking Ampora is fucking embarrassing, is Karkat’s point, and it makes being grateful to him awkward as hell.

At least Latula is there so the appreciation could be spread around. Makes it marginally less awkward.

It also helps that Cronus does not seem even a little bit interested in Karkat’s grudging thanks and is, in fact, far more interested in grilling the cop who brought them out about Dirk’s status than anything Karkat has to say about their hour’s imprisonment. That the cop honestly does not know anything about it does nothing to dissuade his interrogation. It happens to be the question Karkat is most interested in, as well, but he turns his questions to Latula.

“They can’t arrest him, right?” he says. “He’s not a troll, they don’t have standing to arrest him, so what the fuck did they do with him?”

“Normally, in negligence cases, the humans are placed in foster care,” Latula says, with the aura of someone who has answered this question more than once. “But if the human in question is aggressive or uncooperative -- ”

“So if they’re _Dirk_ \-- ”

“Probs, yeah,” she agrees. “They might be held in a state kennel.”

“Kennel?” Sollux says.

“Fuck no, Dirk is not going to any fucking kennel,” Karkat snaps. “How the fuck is a kennel going to be less damaging than whatever shit they think we did to him?”

“I’m just telling you the procedure,” Latula says. “You don’t have to like it. And if Dirk cooperates -- ”

“If Dirk goes through a sudden and radical alteration of basic fucking personality?”

“Yeah, that,” she says, probably rolling her eyes behind the red ocular shields. “If that happens, it’ll be foster care and we can move to have him placed with Peixes or somebody. But if he’s being Dirk, the kennel it is.”

“Fuck. That,” says Karkat.

“Twithe,” Sollux adds. “Fuck that four timeth.” 

“What’d’ya mean _exam_ ,” Cronus demands, snagging their attention. His fins are spread to their full extent and tense, vibrating with suppressed aggression, and the cop, a runty greenblood, is leaning back, away from him.

“Mr. Ampora,” she says. “I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”

“I will calm down just as soon as you explain what the fuck kinda exam you’re talking about.”

“Ampora,” Karkat says. “Cool your shit. What the fuck?”

“This asshole says they’re liable to be ‘examining’ Dirk,” Cronus says, stabbing a finger in the cop’s direction.

“Well, yeah,” says Latula. “In abuse cases, that’s standard.”

Karkat’s blood feels strangely cool in his veins as he asks, “What kind of exam?” Sollux’s hand is on his shoulder, sudden and tight.

“That’s what I wanna know,” Cronus says.

“It depends on the kind of abuse,” Latula says. “General physical for physical abuse. More in depth for anything sexual.”

“In. Depth,” Karkat says, over the whirring hiss of Cronus’s reaction. A rain of sparks falls from Sollux’s horns.

Karkat rounds on the cop, stopped from moving closer only by Sollux’s too-tight hold.

“In. Depth. Exam,” he says. “Are you telling me -- Are you actually telling me. That my wiggler. Is going to be anally probed. In your custody. Is that what you’re telling me? Because it sure as shit sounds like that is, in fact, what you’re telling me right now.”

The cop doesn’t answer, staring at Karkat, even Cronus’s continued threat display apparently forgotten in the face of his rage.

“If that’s what you’re telling me,” Karkat continues, “then I suggest you get on the husk right the fuck now because you’re going to need all the back-up you can get to keep me from tearing this place apart.”

The cop shakes his head, as if waking from a dream, and reaches for his desk husk.

“Vantas,” he says, a little choked. “If you’re making threats -- ”

“I am not threatening,” say Karkat. “I am telling. I am informing. I am making a gogdamn statement of what exactly is going to go down if what you’re saying to me happens to be the fucking truth. If you fuckstains so much as touch Dirk -- ”

“Karkat!”

“KK.”

It’s Latula yelling but it’s Sollux he responds to, turning with fire burning inside him, itching to be let out, until he sees the look of shock on his moirail’s face. It’s so open and so awful l he feels himself crumple and just dive forward into a fierce hug. He stands there with Sollux for a long moment, face buried in his shoulder, Sollux’s face in his hair, until Latula says, “Okay, time to go, that means you, too, Ampora,” and all four of them turn to leave.

 

Equius is sitting in the warden’s office, pointlessly shackled, explaining his ideas for reinforcing the jail walls, when Cronus Ampora is escorted in by a burly, but still nervous, blueblood guard.

“Ampora,” Equius says. “Are you unwell?”

Cronus is pale, his carefully-styled hair a tangled wreck, and his face is set in grim lines. He gives Equius a nod.

“Just here to spring ya’,” he says. “Bail’s taken care of, just need -- ”

“Thank the Empress,” says the warden, and reaches towards the guard, who passes over several sheets of paper. “Take him, please, take him.”

Cronus blinks and cracks half a smile. It looks pained.

“A signature,” he finishes. “What happened here? I heard somefin about additional charges but no noise about keepin’ you.”

“There was a miscommunication,” Equius says, “as to the nature of -- accommodation -- I required.”

Cronus snorted. “You trashed the jail,” he says.

“Merely a wall,” Equius says. “Or -- several walls. As well as a door.”

“Of course you did,” Cronus says. “Shoulda seen that comin’.”

“The walls were not load-bearing,” Equius says. “The fix should be a simple one. But as for the future -- ”

“Plan to make this a habit?” Cronus asks. “Oh, thanks.” He takes the copy offered by the guard and looks it over. “Come on, Zahhak, you’re free.”

Equius looks at the warden.

“I know an excellent contractor,” he begins.

“Equius,” Cronus sighs. “We got people waitin’.”

Equius follows him out.

“Who is waiting?” he asks. “Has Dirk been released? We were taken separately and no one saw fit to answer when I asked after him.”

“No, he hasn’t,” Cronus says. “And that’s what we’re meetin’ about. I got Kar and Sol out already, they’re at their place with Eri and the Maryams and I think Janara. Tav’s out with Peixes and Pyrope, tryin’ to find him.”

“Out already? Do you mean Vantas and Captor were also arrested?”

“Yep. Same time as you.”

“And you can’t find Dirk?”

Equius is sweating and his fists are clenched hard.

“Nobody’s got standing,” Cronus says. “Kar and Sol are accused a negligence and they ain’t recognizin’ Porrim’s stake, since humes can’t legally have moirails. Tav’s his vet, so that’s our best bet. Tula went with him to help fight.”

“I see.” Equius’s voice is as grim as Cronus has ever heard it.

“Tula -- that is, Pyrope -- She’s your lawyer, now. Repping all HRI members on HRI matters. We’ll see if jail breaking counts.”

“It wasn’t a jail break,” Equius says, spitting the phrase like something foul. “I merely -- ” He pauses.

“Broke the jail,” Cronus suggests. 

Equius scowls.

“I find it difficult to believe that this building is up to local code,” he says. “The warden assured me it was structurally sound but seemed unwilling to take my suggestions for improvements seriously.”

They come out onto the street.

“That why he kicked us out?” Cronus asks. “How many cells did you go through before they stashed you with him?”

“Three,” Equius admits. “Four, counting the door. I’m afraid I gave the occupant rather a fright.”

“No, really?” Cronus hails a cab. “I can’t even imagine.” His mind isn’t all on the conversation -- he’s trying to decide how and when to break the ‘exam’ news. Not in the cab, that’s a disaster idea, but Kar and Sol’s house isn’t reinforced either. He pulls out his palmhusk and texts Nepeta to meet them there.

“It was not intentional,” Equius is saying, fussing with his safety restraint. “I was -- somewhat upset.”

“Well, none of us are over the moons,” Cronus says. “There is some good news, though. Seems at least one a the cops has got half a brain.” He relates his conversation with Ataria Musrow. Some part of it, he can’t tell which, makes Equius sweat and Cronus decides to leave the driver an extra big tip. The seat will need cleaned.

“The way I figure,” he says, “we get lucky, maybe she’s lead on the case. I feel like we’d have half a shot, then.”

“And Miss Lalonde will not be going to -- to Vantas?”

“That’s a definite no,” Cronus says. “Musrow was all kinds of pissed off. “They’ll have to investigate a course. But even if Kankri denies is, we got eye witnesses.”

“Who are under suspicion themselves,” Equius points out.

“Yeah, that bit’s sticky,” Cronus says. “But only if Kankri denies it an’ I don’t know he will. The statute of limitations is liable to be up, even if he realizes there’s something fucked up about what he did. And he’s too self-satisfied to see that.” He purses his lips, thinking of Kankri, then shakes his head. “An’ then there’s Tav. He’s all set to testify Kankri’s a shit custodian and that oughta hold some water.” His husk buzzes; an affirmative from Nepeta. He sends out a quick ‘thank you’.

“We can only hope,” Equius says. “Who are you texting?” He sounds suspicious, like Cronus is doing something he shouldn’t, and Cronus bristles.

“Your moirail,” he says. “Askin’ her to meet us at Kar’s place, if that’s all right with you.”

“I see.” He still looks suspicious. “Why do you have Nepeta’s husk number?”

Cronus is suddenly very tired.

“We’re all HRI, here,” he says, then shoves the palmhusk at Equius. “If you think I’m hittin’ on her or some shit, check for yourself.”

Equius startles back, looks from Cronus to the palmhusk and shakes his head.

“No, I -- I am sorry.”

Cronus shoves it back into his pocket and drops his head back against the seat, squeezes his eyes shut.

“Apology accepted,” he says.

A minute or two passes before Equius speaks again.

“It is only -- your reputation,” he begins.

“Is well-fuckin’-earned,” Cronus interrupts. “I still ain’t hittin’ on your moirail.”

“I only meant -- ”

“I said apology accepted, right? Just drop it.”

“Very well.”

Another awkward minute passes in silence.

Equius breaks it, once again. “If I understood properly -- you paid my bail?”

“Yeah,” Cronus says. “What of it?”

“Thank you,” Equius says. “I appreciate it. Very much.”

Cronus smiles, eyes still closed.

“No problem, Zahhak,” he says. “Just don’t make it habit, yeah?”

“I will endeavor to resist the impulse,” Equius answers.

The rest of the ride is quiet. Companionably so.


	9. Chapter 9

The first those waiting at the Vantas-Captor hive know of Equius and Cronus’s arrival is a shout; a shout and an unearthly _crunch_. Porrim, on her palmhusk in the nutrition block, doesn’t move, but the rest rush to the front viewing portal to see what fresh hell has been delivered unto them. Cronus is there, sprawled on his back on the ground, as are Equius and Nepeta, the latter furiously papping the former, blue with rage even at that distance. Between them and the prone Ampora is a small, fresh crater.

Eridan, first to recover himself, dashes for the front portal, followed by Karkat. Both of them are sputtering curses and they make it to Cronus -- clearly the safer option -- at the same time.

“Cro!” Eridan drops to his knees at his side. “Jegus fuckin’ shit, Cro, are you alright?”

He lays a hand on Cronus’s shoulder and, after a moment, Cronus opens his eyes.

“Shit,” he says. “Oh, shit. Eri?”

“Yeah,” Eridan says. “Fuck. You okay?”

Cronus shakes his head as it to clear it and pushes himself up on his elbows. This puts the continuing pacification across the crater in his line of sight and he groans.

“Zahhak,” he says. “Course it would be a fuckin’ Zahhak.”

“What was Zahhak?” Eridan says, a spike of anger cutting through his worry. “He didn’t -- did he _hit_ you?”

“Hit me?” Cronus says. “Nah, kid, I’d be dead if he’d hit me. He just hit the ground I was standin’ on.”

Eridan growls, begins to rise, but Cronus reaches out and gives his scarf a tug.

“Hey, now,” he says. “I’m fine. Just a little winded.”

“You sure about that?” Eridan says, looking at him closely.

Cronus grins.

“I can strip down it you like,” he says. “You could give me a nice, thorough once over.” 

Eridan scowls and lets go of his shoulder.

“Yeah, you’re fine,” he says.

Cronus laughs.

“If you two are done being completely fucking revolting,” says Karkat, who has been examining the crater with an expression of disgust, “perhaps you could cordially fucking explain what the fuck you did to my lawnsquare.”

“I said already,” Cronus says. “Zahhak punched it.”

“Why the fuck did he do that?”

“A case a not shootin’ the messenger,” Cronus tells him. “It was me or somethin’ else an’ the ground was the only other thing around.”

“I’d have preferred you,” Karkat says. Eridan growls and Cronus pats his arm. “What the fuck were you even saying to him. No, wait, I take it back, I don’t even want to know.”

Cronus sighs.

“I told him about Dirk,” he says. “About the -- exam. An’ such. Figured I better do it out here, save gettin’ your whole hive wrecked.” 

Karkat stands very still, not looking at them.

“Ah,” he says. “Well. That was -- good forethought, I guess. Thanks.”

Eridan is scowling at Karkat and Cronus pats his arm again. “No big,” he says and gives Eridan a wry smile.

The sound of Nepeta’s shooshing tapers off into silence and Karkat turns his back firmly to them. A quick glance over confirms she and Equius are in the cuddly, winding-down phase of pacification and Cronus pulls Eridan down into an impulsive hug. Eridan flails and Karkat curses, then looks at the hive, instead, all other options for his sightline being taken up by displays of affection he has no desire to watch. Sollux, out on the stoop with Janara and Kanaya, catches his gaze and waggles his eyebrows. Karkat flips him off.

Then, realizing, he calls, “That was aimed at Sollux.”

“We assumed,” Kanaya replies.

Janara just shakes her head and goes back inside. Sollux and Kanaya descend the stairs to join him.

Karkat has just finished explaining the formation of the pale orgy in the lawnsquare, as well as the crater, when Equius and Nepeta approach, both rather damp from the former’s sweat.

“Vantas,” Equius says. “Captor. I would like to apologize for the destruction of your property. It was an inexcusably uncouth display and I will, of course, arrange the repairs as soon as is convenient.”

“Yeah, thanks,” says Karkat. “I mean, I’d have preferred not to need it repaired in the first fucking place but whatthefuckever, right?”

Equius is frowning, as if torn between irritation and embarrassment, and Nepeta paps his arm.

“Karkitty is just being grumpy,” she says. “Don’t take it so seriously. And Karkat, be nice to Equius. He said he’d fix it.”

The whole thing is getting a little ashen so Karkat just grunts.

“Can we go inthide, now?” Sollux says. “Porrim wath on the huthk with Nitram.”

“Something I’m actually interested in,” Karkat says. “Yes, please.”

They head for the hive, followed by Kanaya, Equius, and Nepeta. Eridan, slightly rumbled, gets to his feet and offers Cronus a hand up.

“Sure you’re alright?” he asks.

“I’m cool,” Cronus says and allows himself to be hauled up. He staggers a step, is caught by Eridan’s hands on his shoulders, and meets his skeptical scowl with a smile.

“Got up too fast is all,” he says. “He say Tav’s called in?”

“Yeah, right before you and Zahhak decided to enact your little drama. The fuck were you thinkin’, anyway?”

“S’not like we coulda kept it a secret from him forever. Might as well rip off the adhesive strip.”

“With no back-up?”

“What do you think I called the kitten for?”

“Like she’d do any defending against him?” Eridan says, as they begin to walk towards the hive.

“There’s no defendin’ against Equius,” Cronus says. “Just disarmin’. So I called in the bomb squad.”

“You coulda called me, too,” Eridan says.

Cronus bumps their shoulders together. 

“We need him alive, sweetheart,” he says.

“Sure about that?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.” They step into the foyer. “I don’t wanna think a what Strider would do if he got sprung on account a you killin’ his matesprit.”

“I can take Strider.”

“But can you take Porrim?”

This appears to present a poser and Eridan still hasn’t say anything by the time they join the others in the nutrition block. There they find a loose group around the consumption surface and a holographic image of Tavros hovering over a palmhusk in its center.

“But where the fuck is he?” Karkat demands and Tavros’s image shifts, uncomfortable.

“They won’t tell us that,” he says. “And there not really anything we can do to, uh, make them. Nothing legal, I mean, and Latula says it be, uh, inadvisable, to do anything that’s not legal. So.”

“Fuck dammit,” says Karkat and Sollux, with an arm around his waist, gives him a shake.

“But he’th not going to Kankri,” he says. ”You’re _sure_?”

“That is a thing I’m sure about,” Tavros says. “Yes. The allegations against Kankri are, uh, pretty serious. So even if he can’t be charged, because of the statute of limitations and such, they have to investigated, before he can take in any fosters.”

“And Rokthy?” Sollux says. “What about her?”

“The officer we spoke to was more, uh, forth-coming, where she is concerned. The judge assigned to the case, Frilltail the Certain, will be back tomorrow, to make a decision about Latula and Feferi’s petition. It would have been longer but, uh, Feferi. Roxy is staying the night in a state kennel -- ” Karkat growls and Tavros rushes on. “ -- but there are really high odds that Feferi can take her home tomorrow. After Judge Frilltail’s decision, I mean.”

“Fucking kennel,” Karkat spits.

“Frilltail the Certain,” Porrim says.”That’s not a name I’m familiar with. What do we know about him?”

“Feferi says that he’s Northern,” Tavros replies.

“A recent appointee, then” Porrim says. “Good. We want someone from the current Empress’s stable.”

Tavros is looking away from them, at something offscreen.

“He hands down pretty strict sentences,” he says, as if reciting. “But only after he’s heard all available evidence. She says he is fair and also that, uh, everything will be fine.”

“How likely is he to accept testimony from the humans?” Porrim asks.

“Uh,” says Tavros, and then there’s a burst of static before he’s replaced by Feferi.

“There’s precedent!” she announces. “Latula found a case from three sweeps ago, a human named Mako Tanaka was permitted to testify about her abuse by her guardian. Frilltail won’t do anything with precedent but we found some! It’s from the Eastern Court but precedent is precedent! We can work with it.”

“Excellent,” says Porrim. “That’s excellent, Feferi. Latula has my gratitude. Now, from what Tavros said, Dirk is likely in a kennel as well? Is there any precedent for visitation?”

Feferi’s smile dims.

“I don’t know,” she says. “But we can find out! Let me talk to Latula and we’ll get back to you.”

“Thank you, Feferi,” Porrim says.

“You keep those buoys in line, Porrim,” she says and the hologram vanishes.

It’s hardly gone before Karkat is shouting.

“Visitation?” he demands. “Visi-fucking-tation? What the fuck are you talking about, visitation? We want him _out_ , not us _in_.”

“I am well aware of that,” Porrim says. “I am also aware, though you seem not to be, that getting him out is likely to be very difficult and time-consuming, and I personally would like to see him as soon as possible, whatever the venue.” She picks up her palmhusk and says, “The Amporas were late. Get them up to speed. I’m going to check on the children.” She sweeps out of the nutrition block without waiting for a reply.

Sollux shoves Karkat into a chair before he can start shouting and heads for the prep surface.

“Who wantth coffee?” he says.

 

The Amporas didn’t miss much. Kanaya fills them in on the first few minutes of Tavros’s call as Sollux serves the coffee.

“Dirk was uncooperative during his exam,” she says, “and the authorities are keeping him, for the moment, to establish whether he is generally aggressive.”

“An’ if they decide he is?” Eridan asks.

“That was not made clear,” Kanaya says, “and Tavros did not want to say.”

“It’s a moot point,” says Janara. “Dirk is not what they call ‘generally aggressive’ nor is he stupid. He won’t let them find him unsuitable to be a companion animal.”

“Unsuited to -- oh, I getcha,” Cronus says. “If he was aggressive, nobody’d be allowed to take him until they mind wiped him.”

“Mind wipe,” Karkay says. “What the fuck do you mean, mind wipe? Nobody said anything about mind wiping to me.”

“It’s considered a humane alternative euthanasia,” Janara tells him. “Trolls with sufficient psychic abilities can essentially erase the previous personalities of certain species. Mostly creatures such as purrbeasts, but humans have no innate psychic defenses so it can work on them as well.”

“How the fuck have we not heard of this before?”

“It don’t happen much,” Cronus says. “I only know it cause we had an arrest a couple sweeps back, some asshole wipin’ humans for profit. He had a boatload a few clicks out.”

“I don’t remember this,” Eridan says.

“Prob’ly cause I didn’t tell you,” Cronus says. “But Janara’s right. Hume’s gotta be seriously psycho to merit a mind wipe. Dangerous psycho. An’ Dirk’s a lotta things but he ain’t that.”

“There is something worrying me,” Kanaya says. “You are assuring us there won’t be a problem because you know Dirk. The people making that determination don’t. If they know anything, it’s the worst parts of him.”

“What are you saying?” asks Karkat.

“Those observing him will not know how Dirk takes his protein nodules or his feelings towards Dave,” she says. “They will know he resisted his examination. They will know he is combative under pressure. They may even know about the incident at the park.”

It takes a moment for her meaning to sink and, when it does, Karkat feels strangely cold.

The incident at the park.

Karkat remembers that -- remembers the parts he was conscious for. He remembers Faygo-high highbloods, Janara’s children on the ground. Dirk and the Amporas fighting, Janara joining the fray with a shriek of rage that echoed in his ears. He doesn’t recall getting punched himself but the damage to his nose had been real enough, and the bruises on Dave’s little face told their own story.

He remembers, more to the point, the aftermath; the conviction of law enforcement that it must all have been Dirk’s fault.

“Fuck,” he says. “Just -- just fuck, fuck that, they investigated that.”

“I am aware of that,” Kanaya says. “It’s merely a thought. A spot on his record. Something they may take into account.”

“No,” Karkat says. “No, that -- that’s beastshit.”

“And a very good point,” says Janara.

“ _No,_ ” Karkat says again and long fingers close around his shoulders. It’s Sollux, not speaking, face closed off. Karkat grabs hold of his hand and doesn’t let go.

There’s a silence in the nutrition block.

Janara breaks it.

“I think that’s all we can do for tonight,” she says. “And I need to get home. Denbry will be worried.”

“Yeah,” Cronus agrees. “Eri, we should head out, too. I’m fuckin’ famished an’ I doubt you and the kid have eaten, either.” 

“Right,” Eridan says. His eyes are too wide behind his glasses.

“I’ll go get him,” Cronus tells him and steps out in search of his baby. He comes back with Dave in his arms and Porrim carrying Rose at his side.

“We should go, too,” Porrim says and Kanaya first nods then shakes her head.

“I’ll stay a while longer,” she says.

“Very well.” Porrim comes closer so Kanaya can kiss Rose’s head and then she and the Amporas are gone, Janara with them. Nepeta and Equius make their excuses and it’s just Sollux, Karkat, and Kanaya.

Kanaya sits down beside Karkat and takes hold of his free hand. None of them move for a long time.


	10. Chapter 10

Tavros sighs heavily once he hands the palmhusk off to Feferi and goes to sit down at the break room table. They’re at the veterinary clinic, which had seemed a reasonable place to regroup, being mere blocks from the justice center and jail where they spent the morning. Rufioh places a cup of tea in front of him and he murmurs a soft ‘thank you’.

Running around with Feferi had taken him away from work for the last few business hours so he asks, “What’s the damage?”

“Not bad,” Rufioh says. “I squeezed your three o’clock in and got through to your four before she showed. Neither of them got heated.”

“Good,” Tavros says. “That’s good. The three was -- Aspell? How did it go?”

They discuss the case -- a woofbeast with a UTI. Nasty but straight-forward. By the time they’re done, Feferi has joined them, looking just a little tired, her eyes and smile a fraction too dim. She and Tavros explains their morning’s adventure to Rufioh, who takes it calmly but sadly.

“Poor little dude,” he says of Dirk, when they finish.

“He’s not exactly little,” Tavros says. “Not anymore, I mean. He would be of age, if he were a troll.”

“Hard to think of him as anything else,” Rufioh answers.

Tavros, who still remembers Karkat bringing Dirk in that first time, has to agree.

“But he is an adult,” Feferi says. “And he can shore-tainly take care of himshellf. He’ll be just fine.”

“Yeah,” Rufioh says. “He’s a tough guy. He can take whatever they throw at him.”

“They’ll have done the exam, already,” says Tavros. “As soon as he came in, probably. I wish they’d tell us what they found.”

“They’ll have to, before we go to court,” Feferi tells him. “Or they’ll have to tell Latula, anyway. We’ll find out soon enough.”

“Yeah, that’s true. But it would be nice to know, now. What we’re up against, I mean. I really, uh, don’t want Equius to go to prison.”

“He knew the risks,” Feferi says, voice serious though a smile still lingers at her lips. “Nepeta would have made sure of that.”

“Even if Dirk didn’t,” Tavros says, then shifts in his seat. “Which he would, I mean.”

Rufioh is looking at him curiously, but Feferi beams.

“Of course he would,” she says. “He really loves Equius. He wouldn’t have gotten him involved without making shore he knew the stakes.”

“Definitely,” says Rufioh, when she seems to expect a response. “Dirk’s a good kid.”

Feferi heads home once she’s finished her tea and tells them, once again, that everything will be fine. After seeing her off, Rufioh looks at Tavros very hard and says, “What’s with the doubt? You don’t think Dirk would have gotten Equius into this blind, do you?”

“I think Dirk is, uh, impulsive,” Tavros tells him. “And that he does not always think things through, quite as well as he thinks he does. He would not, uh, intentionally mislead Equius, I don’t think but, uh, he needed him to cooperate. So.” He shrugs.

Rufioh nods thoughtfully.

“True enough,” he says. “But Equius is a smart guy. And he’s got Nepeta around for a reason.”

“Those are both things that are true,” Tavros says, but he knows he still sounds doubtful.

Rufioh puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

“Let’s not stress about it,” he says. “What’s done is done. Focus on what we need to do next.”

Tavros nods.

“Okay,” he says. “I can do that, I think.”

 

The next evening, Tavros calls Latula, dark and early, before he goes into the clinic for the night. He’s a little worried about waking her but she sounds alert when she answers and brushes off his concern.

“Naw, Tavbro, I’ve got mad work to do and if I weren’t already killing my second cup of coffee I’d be thanking you for waking my ass up. These motions won’t write themselves.”

“Okay,” Tavros says. He’s also on his second cup of coffee. “That’s actually what I wanted to discuss. Not your coffee, or sleep cycles, I mean, but the motions. I had a thought in the, uh, ablution trap that I wanted to run past you.”

“Best place to think for sure,” she says. “Lay it on me.”

“Would it be possible to request that, in the case of further examinations, I be called in? For Dirk, I mean. Me or Rufioh. Dirk knows us, and we are most familiar with his case history, is what I was thinking, from an argument standpoint, and it would be best for his psychological well-being not to have, uh, strangers poking at him.”

Latula makes a considering sound, low and uncertain.

“I’m all about it for sure,” she says. “The issue is precedent. Old Frilltail is all about precedent and I don’t think we’re gonna find any on that. At worst it could sound like we’re accusing state sponsored vets of bias or incompetence.”

“That had occurred to me,” Tavros says. “And my thought was this. What about negligence and abuse cases involving trolls? And their doctors? There are a lot more of them on file, I imagine, and there may be something we could use. It would also set the stage for later arguments, on the subject of personhood. If we get it, I mean.”

She makes that considering noise again. It’s bright, this time, and less doubtful.

“You know, you might be onto something, there. I’ll get one of my minions to start the research. And that might help me argue for Porrim’s visitation thing, too.”

“Oh,” Tavros says. “Really? How?”

“We argue humans deserve equal treatment off the bat and Frilltail goes for it, he’s gotta let us have visitation, too. Incarcerated trolls get it so there’s no reason humans held for whatever reason shouldn’t.”

“I see,” Tavros says. “Wow, that sounds really good, Latula.”

“Don’t get excited yet,” she warns. “We still gotta get it past the judge. Can’t take those guys for granted.”

“Of course not,” he says. “But, still, it sounds good, and I’m sure you’ll do your best, and further sure that your best is, uh, better than else’s could be. So, thank you.”

“I don’t know about that.” She sounds amused. “But thanks. I appreciate that. Are you coming to the hearing?”

Tavros thinks of his appointment book, packed hour by hour with sick pets and worried owners. He thinks of Dirk and Roxy, sitting in a state kennel, waiting.

“I’ll be there,” he decides. “I will most definitely be there.”

 

Sweeps in the past:

 

CG: NITRAM.  
CG: DON’T YOU DARE BLOCK ME. I AM IN NEED OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL SERVICES.  
CG: YOU DO ACTUALLY OFFER THOSE, RIGHT? I ASSUME THOSE LETTERS AFTER YOUR NAME MEAN THAT YOU DO, IN FACT, HAVE A DEGREE IN AND PRACTICE IN THE FIELD OF VETERINARY MEDICINE AND THAT THE CLINIC ISN’T SOME ELABORATE SCHEME TO CONVINCE UNWITTING TROLLS TO LET YOU PLAY WITH THEIR BARKBEASTS.  
CG: COME ON, NITRAM.  
CG: TROLLIAN SAYS YOU’RE ONLINE. ARE YOU THERE OR NOT?  
AT: i’M HERE,  
AT: i WAS JUST HOPING THAT YOU WOULD, uH, gET BORED, aND FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BOTHER, bUT, aS THAT HASN’T HAPPENED, yET,  
AT: i’M HERE,  
AT: wHAT DO YOU WANT,  
CG: FUCK, I ALWAYS FORGET HOW MUCH I HATE YOUR QUIRK. AND BASICALLY EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT YOU, BUT THE QUIRK REALLY TOPS THE LIST. HOW DO YOU EVEN TYPE LIKE THAT?  
AT: i IMAGINE THAT IT’S, uH, pRETTY SIMILAR TO HOW YOU TYPE, hONESTLY,  
AT: lOOK, i’M NOT REALLY ENJOYING THIS CONVERSATION, aND i WOULDN’T HAVE ANSWERED AT ALL, eXCEPT, yOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY, uH, pROFESSIONAL SERVICES, sO CAN WE SKIP TO THE PART WHERE YOU, uH, eXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEANT,  
CG: WHY AM I EVEN ON YOUR TROLLROLL IF YOU HATE TALKING TO ME THAT MUCH?  
AT: wHY AM I ON YOURS,  
CG: OKAY, FAIR POINT.  
CG: DO YOU AND RUFIOH WORK ON HUMANS?  
AT: yES, tHOUGH WE AREN’T, uH, sPECIALISTS,  
AT: iT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU NEED,  
CG: JUST A CHECK-UP. THERE’S NOTHING OBVIOUSLY WRONG WITH HIM.  
AT: oH, tHEN, sURE, wE CAN DO THAT,  
AT: hOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD HIM,  
CG: HE’S NOT MINE, HE’S KANKRI’S, AND HE’S HAD HIM LIKE A SWEEP AND A HALF. HE HASN’T SEEN A VET SINCE KANKRI GOT HIM.  
AT: oH, wOW, oKAY THEN, yES, bRING HIM IN,  
AT: tHAT IS WAY TOO LONG, wITHOUT A CHECKUP,  
AT: i DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY OPENINGS, bUT, iF YOU WANT TO COME IN BEFORE WE OPEN, tOMORROW, wE CAN DO THAT,  
CG: YEAH, SURE. WHAT TIME?  
AT: wE OPEN AT mIDNIGHT, sO, uH, tEN,  
CG: WE’LL BE THERE.  
CG: THANKS, NITRAM. FOR A GIBBERING IDIOT, YOU’RE REALLY NOT BAD.  
AT: i’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, kARKAT,

 

And a sweep before that:

 

Rufioh answered his palmhusk flustered.

“Hey there, doll,” he said, an appellation he used mostly with women and animals and never with Tavros. Tavros wrinkled his nose, confused.

“Uh, hi,” he said. “It’s me?”

“I know who it is, kiddo,” he said, a much more familiar title. “Hang a sec, let me get somewhere quiet.”

There was noise in the background, Tavros realized; voices, a lot of voices, and people moving, and metallic sounds like crockery and cutlery and metal trays. His face felt hot even as his heart sank.

“Are you, uh, at a party?” he said. “It’s nothing, you don’t have to leave.”

But there’s a click and the background noise cuts off.

“Of course I do,” Rufioh said. “Anything for my little dude. Especially when he’s got such impeccable timing. I owe you one, Tavros.”

_Timing?_ Tavros thought, and then realized.

“Damara?” he asked.

“Horrus,” Rufioh said. He sounded defeated.

“I thought you broke up with him.”

“Me too, man, me too. Guess it didn’t stick.”

“Well, make it stick,” Tavros said. “If you aren’t happy with him -- ”

“Then end it, I know. But it’s hard when they don’t want to hear what you’re saying.”

Tavros sighed. His hatchmate’s quadrants were impossible and he should have known better than to engage.

“Is this, uh, a Meenah party?” he asked.

“You know it,” Rufioh said, sounding more cheerful. “Who else would invite me and both my exes?”

“Why did you even go?”

“Well, she lays down quite a spread. You get to my age, you appreciate that kind of thing.”

“You’re not that much older than me, Rufioh.”

“Old enough. What’s up, kiddo? You need something?”

“Oh.” Tavros remembered himself in a rush of embarrassment. “Uh, nothing, really.”

“I see,” Rufioh said, and sounded like he really did. “Nobody online?”

“Just, you know. Vriska. And Eridan.”

“Not ideal for when you’re feeling down,” Rufioh agreed. “What else did you try?”

“Cuddling Tinkerbull. Organizing my Fiduspawn cards. Star-watching. I did try journaling but it felt -- weird.”

“It gets easier the longer you do it,” Rufioh assured him, and it was reassuring. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Tavros said. He laid back on the multiseat unit and felt close to tears, again, as he had all night. “I guess, uh, tell me about the party?”

“I can do that,” Rufioh said. “Hm. Let’s see. I’ll skip the parts with Horrus and Damara, you can guess how that went.”

“Yeah.”

“And Cronus. He’s around. I managed to dodge him, mostly, but he’s slick.”

“Slimy,” Tavros corrected.

“That’s what I said. I chilled with Latula and her honeybee a while. She’ll be a lawyer in less than a sweep, can you believe it?”

“You’re already a vet.”

“Trainee vet, but that was a given. Who saw Latula in the law?”

It was a rhetorical question, so Tavros responded with a real one.

“Is Mituna still becoming, uh, a pilot?”

Rufioh chuckled.

“Who knows? That kid changes it up every time I see him. He’s been an artist, a pilot, a programmer. This week it’s back to chemistry.”

“Dangerous,” Tavros said.

“No more than piloting. Hey, maybe he can combine them. High altitude chemistry.”

“Don’t suggest it. Latula will blame you if he tries it and dies.”

“Yeah, we’ll keep that one between us. What else? I saw Kurloz, but only while he was dragging Mituna off. And Meulin was with him, god knows what they get up to. Oh, and you’ll like this. I ran into Kankri.”

Tavros wrinkled his nose again.

“Why would anyone like that?” he asked.

Rufioh chuckled again.

“Hey, now, he’s a friend of mine.”

“I don’t, uh, understand that, either, to be honest.”

“You will one day,” Rufioh said. “Anyway, it’s not Kankri so much I thought you’d like. It’s who was with him.”

“I don’t like Karkat much, either.”

“Not him. Vantas got himself a human.”

Tavros blinked his eyes open in surprise.

“Really?” he said. “A baby?”

“No, not quite a baby. He’s maybe three and cute as a clothing fastener.”

“Oh, wow. Did you talk to him?”

“Well, you know. Kankri was there.”

Tavros laughed.

“So nobody got a word in. That poor baby. I wonder if he’s had a chance to learn to talk.”

“He had. Kankri had him introduce himself. His name’s Dirk. You’d have loved him, kiddo.”

“That’s, uh, kind of a given,” Tavros said. “Hey, Rufioh?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be moving in with you in, uh, a sweep. Do you think we could maybe get a human?”

Rufioh’s voice was fond, warming, when he replied.

“We’ll see, Tavbro. We’ll see.”

 

In the present:

 

The hearing, called in a hurry to deal with Roxy’s allocation, is at three. Tavros spends the evening seeing patients and, in between, squeezes in calls to his after midnight appointments to reschedule. Only one of them, a notoriously difficult tealblood, gives him any problems and by the time he’s done placating her, he’s late for his next patient. That throws off the rest of his evening and he doesn’t manage to slip out until after one-thirty.

By the time he’s changed clothes and made it to Latula’s office, it’s time to go and he barely has time to greet the others -- Karkat and Sollux, Nepeta and Equius, Janara and, wow, everyone, dressed in suits and tasteful dresses and it looks like Karkat made an effort to tame his hair -- before they’re crossing the street to the justice center.

“This hearing is primarily about Roxy’s placement,” Latula tells them as they walk, “but I’ve got a few other motions I’m asking for ASAP decisions on.”

Porrim, dressed in black and looking more like an actress on the red floor covering than a witness in a legal case, asks, “Visitation?”

“That’s one, yeah, but I’ve got another card to play, first.”

They go through security. Sollux, fifth to go through, blows out the metal detector with his aura of nervous spark and the guards, who look used to it, dutifully pat the rest of them down while Karkat mutters curses and looks ill. He holds Sollux’s hand most of the time and bares his teeth when he sees Tavros looking.

The courtroom is disorienting in its vastness and Tavros sticks close to the others as Latula leads them down the stone steps and gestures them to take the row of seats closest to the front, left of the empty dais where the judge will sit. Above them is a lighted alcove, with a ladder leading up to it; Frilltail’s den.

From the outside, the justice center is large, but it still seems impossible it could fit four rooms like this one. The sense of space is overwhelming. Only Latula, who comes here almost daily, and Feferi and Porrim seem unaffected.

Feferi, with a few final reassurances -- aimed, it seems, mostly at Karkat -- goes with Latula to stand at the smaller empty dais in front of them. A third dais, off to the right, is still empty.

Tavros sits between Kanaya and Janara and, from beyond Kanaya, hears Karkat saying, “Where is he? Where is that bulgefondling, shitsnorting piss stain on the nethergarments of trolldom? It’s a quarter to so where the _fuck_ \-- ?”

Behind them, the door opens again. Tavros turns in unison with several of the others, and they see Kankri in a black suit, hair carefully combed, coming down the steps. A steady growl picks up from somewhere past Kanaya. There are two trolls with him, in matching Human Protection Initiative t-shirts and they sit across the aisle for the HRI members while Kankri moves alone to the third dais.

“Wait,” Tavros says. “Where’s his lawyer?” He’s not talking to anyone in particular and no one answers.

Feferi and Latula are discussing something, very quietly, and no one else speaks. The only sounds, save their soft voices, are the continuing growl from down the line and Kankri sorting papers on his dais.

“Is he representing himself?” Tavros asks.

Kanaya answers him, this time.

“For our sake,” she says, “I hope so.” 

And that seems to be all there is to say on the matter.

When the lights go out, several minutes later, they stand and wait, expectant and nervous -- Tavros is nervous, anyway. He’s never had to come to court before, only knows the procedure from vid dramas and Latula’s instructions. His apprehension rises with every moment of darkness and then --

Fire.

Flames rain out from the cavern above them, spraying across the room and dissipating before they wound those below. And through the fire, a vast, dark shape flies out of the den, across the courtroom and around, passing just over their heads. Someone shrieks and Tavros finds himself gripping Kanaya’s arm; her hand clamps down hard over his and he thinks she’s shaking.

With a last, majestic burst of flame, and a mighty flare of wings, the shape settles onto the largest dais and, slowly, the lights come up to reveal a dragon, vast and gray, with a barbed tail and leathery wings, slowly folding themselves down.

“You may be seated,” the dragon says, its voice a rumble like a cold, distant sea.

Judge Frilltail the Certain has entered the courtroom.


	11. Chapter 11

What comes after that is a bit of an anticlimax. Frilltail lifts a pair of delicate-looking spectacles, hanging from a chain around his neck, and places them on his face, then holds out a hand to a bailiff who hurries from the ladder leading to Frilltail’s den. Frilltail takes a sheaf of papers from him and calls the case.

“This hearing is to establish temporary custody of the human Roxy Lalonde while her custodians are under investigation for criminal human negligence,” he says. His voice is less rumbly, more high-pitched, and Tavros wonders if his initial tone was for effect.

He certainly achieved it.

“The parties concerned are Mr. Kankri Vantas, state designated temporary caretaker, and the Heiress Feferi Peixes, who has made a motion indicating she believes Mr. Vantas to be unsuitable and requests Roxy Lalonde be placed in her care instead. Are all parties present?”

Feferi and Kankri murmur their assent.

“Excellent. The Heiress is to represented by the Honorable Latula Pyrope. Mr. Vantas has foregone representation and intends to argue for himself.” Something in the judge’s tone changes, then, sounds doubtful, and he focuses on Kankri over his spectacles. “Mr. Vantas,” he says, “while you are, of course, completely within your rights to do this, I must point out that I will be holding you to the same standard as I would any lawyer who appeared before me. If you have reservations about your ability to meet that standard, however slight, I will happily adjourn this hearing while you seek out counsel for yourself.”

“While I appreciate your concern,” Kankri says, then pauses. Tavros can’t see his face but he thinks he sounds a little strained when he says, simply, “That won’t be necessary.” 

Frilltail gazes at him a moment later, skepticism obvious even in a face that can’t form expressions, and says, “Very well, then. Miss Pyrope, we’ll have your opening statement.”

“Thank you, your honor.” Latula leaves her dais to stand in the space directly in front of Frilltail. “The facts are these,” she begins, and sums them up, quickly and efficiently, before launching into her first argument. “We are not certain how Mr. Vantas was selected as caretaker for Miss Lalonde. We are, however, certain that it would be at best inappropriate and at worst dangerous to allow him to take her in.

“First, Mr. Vantas is the founder and head of an organization called the Human Protection Initiative. This organization was founded in direct opposition to the Human Rights Initiative, a group founded by Dirk Strider and his lusii for the advancement of humans on Beforus. It was due to actions taken by the Human Protection Initiative in general, and Kankri Vantas in particular, that the arrests leading to this hearing took place.” Tavros is watching Kankri for a reaction and is disappointed; he remains impassive. “Roxy Lalonde is also an active member of the Human Rights Initiative and stands opposed in every way to the values of the Human Protection Initiative and its founder.

“While a conflict of values does not itself render Kankri Vantas unsuitable as a caretaker, I think the fact that he directly contributed to the incarceration of Miss Lalonde’s entire household is a recipe for a hostile home environment.”

“Further, I have eyewitnesses who will testify that Mr. Vantas had, in the past, discharged a firearm with the intention of harming a human when that human expressed opinions that did not precisely line up with his own. Six sweeps ago, Dirk Strider informed Mr. Vantas he preferred to live with Karkat Vantas and Sollux Captor and Kankri Vantas responded aggressively. Roxy Lalonde was also present and actually saw Mr. Vantas shoot at and wound Mr. Strider over the course of a several minute strife.” Latula pauses and, when she begins again, her voice is subtly changed. Warmer, perhaps.

“My client, the Heiress Feferi Peixes, has cared for her own human charge, Jane Crocker, for many sweeps. Miss Crocker and Miss Lalonde are close friends. She has never been accused of wrong-doing, however slight, in the care of the humans and she has more than adequate resources to tend to Miss Lalonde’s needs until she able to rejoin her lusii. Given these facts, I feel the only reasonable course available to the court will be to reject Mr. Vantas’s claim and allow Heiress Peixes to take custody of Miss Lalonde.”

“Thank you, Miss Pyrope,” says Frilltail. It’s impossible to say how her opening has impacted him. He looks to Kankri and says, “Mr. Vantas?”

Kankri takes Latula’s place before him.

“Thank you, your honor,” he says. “I’d like to begin with a statement as to the true purpose of the Human Protection Initiative, unfairly presented by Miss Pyrope as being founded to oppose Human Rights Initiative. While it is true the Human Protection Initiative has a different set of goals and disagrees with the Human Rights Initiative on many key issues, it is not and has never been an organization solely devoted to that disagreement.

“The Human Protection Initiative has its conceptual roots in work I did with the Beforan Humane Society some sweeps ago, well before the Human Rights Initiative had even been considered by its founders. It was my research and activism in the realm of animal welfare that persuaded me of the need for a group devoted solely to the needs of the human population, not the formation of the Human Rights Initiative.

“The goals of the Human Protection Initiative, as I’ve said, are much different than those of the Human Rights Initiative and are, I must add, far more reasonable and reality based. They are as follows.”

Tavros has heard, or at least read, about the goals of the HPI before. They mostly involve stricter licensing laws and educating trolls on the supposed volatility of the human species. He can’t quite bring himself to listen to it all again and focuses his attention instead on Frilltail, trying to decide how Kankri’s speech is striking him.

It’s tough going. Even accounting for dragon facial structure being far more static and less capable of emoting than that of humans or trolls, Frilltail is impassive. He’s watching Kankri with apparent attention, gaze never wavering, head never drooping.

Tavros wonders if Kankri has ever in his life had so attentive an audience and tunes back in to hear Kankri saying, “It was these concerns that first persuaded me to adopt Dirk Strider and it was custodianship of Dirk Strider that awaked me to certain facts intrinsic to the human species, facts that to which my fellow activists, well-meaning though they were, were apparently oblivious. These facts are as follows.”

Tavros tears his attention forcibly from what he knows is coming and looks at his watch. It’s three forty-five. He has no idea when Kankri started talking and wishes he did. He looks around at his companions, wondering how the live version of Kankri’s beastshit is affecting them.

Porrim is impassive, her mouth a tense line, while Kanaya is gently chewing her lower lip. On her other side, Karkat has Sollux’s hand, again, holding it wrapped in both of his, and there’s a recurrent fizzle of sparks around Sollux’s horns. From the look on his face, he’d like to reduce the whole courtroom to rubble. Past them, Equius is looking rather damp in his navy suit and Nepeta’s face is set in furious lines, even as she mechanically paps her moirail’s arm. Beyond Porrim, Janara is glaring openly, her arms folded, fingers flexing against her bicep. It’s hard to get an accurate read on Cronus’s face but Eridan is chewing on his scarf and Tavros thinks they’re also holding hands.

“Mr. Vantas,” Frilltail says, bringing Tavros’s attention back to the front. “Interesting as this is, this is custody hearing. You are meant to be arguing your suitability as caretaker for Roxy Lalonde.”

Tavros likes to think this is a good sign for their side.

“O-of course,” Kankri says, obviously flustered. “I only mean to -- that is -- I feel my extensive work as an advocate for animal welfare and deep understanding of innate human psychological patterns render me an excellent choice for custodianship of any human, particularly one who has been so abused as Roxy Lalonde. And that Heiress Peixes, well-meaning though she no doubt is, has none of these characteristics and has proved herself to be deeply misguided on the subject of human welfare.”

“Your point is made,” Frilltail tells him. “Do you know Roxy Lalonde, Mr. Vantas?”

“What?” says Kankri, and then recovers. “Um. Slightly? I’ve met her on a couple of occasions but never had the pleasure of a tete a tete.”

“Heiress Peixes?” Frilltail asks.

“Yes, your honor,” Feferi says. “I’ve taken part in a number of playdates with my Jane and Roxy and her guardians. Roxy has stayed at my home before and I consider her a friend.”

“Thank you,” says Frilltail. “Now, Miss Pyrope, I believe you have witnesses?”

Latula calls Karkat first. He rises shakily, one of Sollux’s hands steadying on his back, and they hug before Karkat slips down the row and approaches the huge dais where Frilltail sits. Frilltail gives him the oath of fidelity and he sits on a bench beside the central dais. Tavros wonders if he’s going to be sick.

“Mr. Vantas,” Latula says. “Please explain your relationships to the humans in your care.”

Karkat does pretty well, though his voice creaks, and when he talks about Dirk his eyes well with pink tears. He gains confidence as he goes, though, and by the time Latula gets to her second question, about Kankri, he’s back in full form.

“Kankri is a terrible lusus,” he says. ‘When I moved in, I didn’t even know he had a human because he’d stopped mentioning him a sweep back. As far as I could tell, he’d stopped paying any sort of attention to around the same time. Dirk was sleeping on the floor, had no room of his own, hadn’t seen a vet since Kankri got him, and had no human friends. Human friends and their own space are human care 101 and the vet thing is just common sense. Dirk was cooking for himself, and he was too small to reach the countertops.”

“At what point did you take over guardianship of Dirk?”

“In practice, as soon as I moved in. Sollux, my moirail, had Roxy already and cares a lot about proper human care. If I hadn’t done something he probably would have fu -- have injured me. And, honestly, what else was I supposed to do? He was four and we lived in the same hive. Kankri might have been able to ignore him but I sure as sh --  I couldn’t.”

Latula pauses a few seconds, as if to let this sink in, then says, “Tell us about the day you witnessed Kankri Vantas fire his pistols at Dirk Strider.”

Karkat grimaces and rubs a hand over his face.

“Fine,” he says. “Me and Sollux are fated moirails. We had our commitment ceremony a few perigees after we came of age. When we decided to move in together, I took Dirk with me. Dirk was all for it. He had no intention of staying with Kankri. Kankri didn’t like it, of course, and when harassing us over the mail and the internet didn’t work he showed up at the hive. I still don’t actually know where he got our address.

“Anyway, Dirk had the idea of talking to him himself. I told him it wouldn’t work -- Kankri doesn’t listen to anyone. But he was determined and Sollux and I would be nearby if he needed us, so I thought -- it couldn’t hurt, much? I thought it would turn into a screaming match.” He pauses, wipes at his eyes. “Sorry, I just -- I should have stopped him. It knew it was dumb idea. When has talking to Kankri ever accomplished anything? But we let him do it.

“We were in the next room, so we couldn’t hear everything that happened. And when the door shut and Dirk didn’t come back, we went to see. And there they were, on the lawnsquare. Dirk had his sword -- he’d been trained to use it, I saw to that -- he had it but he wasn’t using it. He was just -- dodging. It wasn’t a strife, it was target practice for that bulge -- sorry, for that guy over there. We were so shocked that we just fu -- we just stood there and watched and I wish I -- I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he concludes, and wipes his face again.

“That’s fine, Mr. Vantas,” Latula says, her voice kind. “That’s all I need from you.”

She returns to her dais and Kankri moves to take her place for cross examination. Before he can begin, Frilltail holds up a claw and speaks to Karkat.

“Do you need a moment, Mr. Vantas?” he asks.

Karkat sniffs hard and rubs at his eyes with his sleeve. After a couple of deep breaths, he replies.

“No, I’m fine. Let’s get this over with.”

“Very well.” Frilltail puts down his claw and looks at Kankri. “Mr. Vantas, your witness.”

“Thank you, your honor,” Kankri says, but he sounds annoyed. “Mr. Vantas. What are your qualifications to determine what constitutes adequate care for humans?”

Karkat is glaring with red, swollen eyes.

“Experience,” he says. “I’ve been a lusus for a while, now, and in addition to listening to what the humans in my life tell me, I listen to the gog -- I listen to vet, who you might have learned something from if you’d ever bothered going.”

Kankri ignores this attack and asks, “Have you ever read On Humans, by Eraika Melran?”

“No,” says Karkat.

“How about Psychosocial Human Development by Laiken Ranbow?”

“No.”

“An Introduction to the Social and Psychological Habits and Compulsions of the Human Species by Narbor Elcrow?”

“No.”

“So, what you’re telling me is that you’ve done none of the proper research into human care? The texts I mentioned are among the more celebrated and accessible books on humans ever written. How can you possibly claim competence as a human custodian if you haven’t read them?”

“I can’t,” Karkat snaps. “But that had nothing to do with how many beastshit social justice screeds I’ve read. It’s because I couldn’t keep them safe from you.”

Kankri growls, a low rumble obvious even from the benches where Tavros and the others sit. A scuffle of movement at his side makes Tavros tear his eyes away and he sees Kanaya clutching Sollux’s arm. Both their gazes are still fixed on Karkat and sparks of psionic energy are burning into Kanaya’s hands.

Frilltail speaks.

“I understand this is an emotional subject,” he says, “but I will not tolerate threat displays in my courtroom.” He looks at Karkat, still glowering at Kankri. “And please control your language. These proceedings will remain civil or I shall hold both of you in contempt.”

There’s a charged moment in which neither Vantas speaks. Then Kankri’s growl dies down and he coughs.

“Of course, your honor,” he says. “My apologies.”

“Sorry,” says Karkat.

Frilltail regards them both with suspicion before saying, “Very well. Carry on, Mr. Vantas.”

“I have no further questions, your honor,” Kankari says. “Though his reasoning is beyond faulty, my hatchmate has admitted himself an unfit custodian and thus unqualified to pass judgment on my skills in that area.”

“You -- ” Karkat moves as if to lunge before catching himself. He doesn’t say anything else.

Frilltail nods.

“Back to your dais, then. Mr. Vantas, I have a question or two, if you feel up to it.”

“Sure,” Karkat says. He’s still glaring sickles at Kankri. “I mean, yes, your honor.”

“I’d like you to go into more detail as to what you saw as your day-to-day duties in caring for Dirk Strider.”

“O-Okay?” He looks up at the judge as if bewildered. “Um, I cooked for him. That was a big one. He was eating a pretty trollish diet when I moved in and that’s not ideal for humans. I mentioned playdates, already. He wasn’t the most social kid but he gets along really well with Roxy and a couple of others so we got them together a times a week if we could. Moving in with Roxy and Sollux was good for him, I think. And I bought him stuff.” Karkat shrugs, clearly uncomfortable. “Books, mostly. Sketchpads. He got really into -- sewing, so I got him stuff for that. And robots. He was already drawing blueprints when I met him so I introduced him to a friend of mine who’s good with that kind of thing. He really took to it. Other than that -- ” He shrugs again. “It’s mostly just spending time with him. We hung out, watched movies. Argued about movies. We get on each other’s nerves, and it was a problem back when we were living with Kankri and had to share a room, but mostly we get along pretty well.” He looks up at Frilltail. “Is that what you wanted to know?” he asks.

“That will do,” Frilltail says. “You may return to your seat. Miss Pyrope, next witness.”

Sollux is next and it goes pretty much the same way. He corroborates Karkat’s version of events with Latula and sparks a lot when Kankri comes at him with the reading list. Frilltail asks him the same questions and gets a similar response.

“I’m not a chef like KK -- I mean, like Karkat, but I keep her fed and clothed. She’th really, really good with computerth tho I keep her in thothe and get her thethe terrible fu -- terrible fantathy novelth she loveth,” he says, in part, and is dismissed to put his arm around Karkat and be clung to in return.

“Next witness,” Frilltail says, and it’s Feferi’s turn.

She has no personal knowledge of Kankri’s fitness as a caretaker, only second hand accounts from the others, but she’s able to date those accounts and prove Karkat and Sollux have been making the same complaints for sweeps. Latula’s main focus, however, is on her own suitability as a caretaker. She takes Frilltail’s line, asking for her take on human care duties and Feferi dives into a discussion of Jane.

“It depends on the human, of course,” she says. “Feeding, playdates, vet visits, those are a must for any human, but other stuff is subjective. Our Jane isn’t interested in robots or wizards but she shore loves baking.” She speaks fondly of Jane’s love of detective fiction and proclivity for pranks and finishes with, “The most important thing is to listen. Humans will tell you when they’re hungry or tired or need a hug, you just have to be willing to hear them.”

Kankri begins his crossexamination the same way. But, this time, there’s a change.

“Have you ever read On Humans by Eraika Melran?” he asks.

Feferi says, “Yes, I have.”

“How about Psych -- What?”

“I have,” Feferi repeats. “You gave a copy to Meenah when she adopted Jane. I read it then.” Kankri doesn’t seem to know what to say, so she continues. “It was interesting but not all that useful. It mostly dealt with training humans to behave and some of the punishments were pretty extreme. And it even advised against given them their own rooms, which is the opposite of what every vet I’ve ever talked to had to say. I think it’s a little dated, honestly.”

Kankri has recovered himself and says, “While it may not be perfectly in line with current pet care fads, I assure you that Eraika Melran is an expert in her field and that On Humans is regarded as something of a holy text by those who are serious about their humans’ well-being.” Feferi narrows her eyes a little at this but doesn’t comment. “As she explains in the book you claim to have read, the common misconception that humans require privacy is based on the fallacy that they are a species with emotional needs somehow comparable to those of trolls. Allowing them privacy, while it may appear to endear you to them in the short term, in fact encourages the same dangerous, antisocial tenancies -- ”

“Objection,” Latula says. Her tone is mild but it cuts through Kankri’s building rant. “None of this sounds like a question.”

“Sustained,” says Frilltail. “Mr. Vantas, your chance to speak will come. Do you have any other questions for the Heiress?”

Kankri’s fists clench and he shakes his head. “No, your honor,” he says. “I believe Miss Peixes has amply demonstrated her ignorance.”

In the quiet after Feferi is excused, Tavros can hear the whir of seatroll threat display, and the quiet ‘shoosh’ that soothes it. Then, Latula calls her next witness.

It’s Tavros.

Tavros’s nerves return, harsh and jangling, and he rises awkwardly from the bench. Janara pats his arm as he passes her and he trips over Cronus’s feet but manages not to fall. He feels exposed, almost naked, under the expectant stare of the judge and he hopes the trembling of his hands isn’t too obvious.

He stutters over the oath of fidelity, embarrassing but inevitable, and goes to the witness bench. Latula smiles at him, professional but reassuring, and he grimaces back.

“When did you first encounter Dirk Strider?” she asks and they’re off.

This part is easy; Tavros knows Dirk’s history better than any patient he’s ever had. He recounts Karkat’s first appointment, then explains their regular schedule of check-ups and the few emergency visits in between. He’s a little vague about how, exactly, Dirk came by some of the injuries but precise when it comes to their nature, Karkat’s attentiveness, and the care involved. He’s been over it before with Latula and knows it’s meant to establish his credibility.

“Before Karkat brought Dirk in that first time,” she says, “were you aware that Kankri Vantas kept a human?”

“Yes. Rufioh, my hatchmate, met Dirk shortly after Kankri adopted him.”

“Did it strike you as unusual he didn’t bring Dirk to you and your hatchmate for veterinary care?”

“No. Rufioh wasn’t a full vet, then, just a trainee, and I wasn’t, uh, of age yet. We assumed he was taking him to someone, of course. It never would have occurred to us he didn’t have a vet at all.”

She asks him about Feferi’s qualifications as a guardian, next, and he endorses her wholeheartedly.

“She and her hatchmate have been bringing Jane in since Rufioh got licensed. They’re very attentive to her needs and she adores them. Jane has always been very healthy but they bring her in for check-ups regularly. We always enjoy seeing her. She’s very sweet.”

Cross examination comes and Tavros’s banked nerves flare again. This is his first good look at Kankri’s face and it’s not pleasant. His eyes are narrowed, his lips twisted like a repressed snarl, and he looks so much like Karkat it’s a little frightening.

“Mr. Nitram,” he says, speaking smoothly with obvious effort. “You are a veterinarian, correct?”

“Yes,” Tavros says.

“Then would I be correct in assuming that you have read the books I mentioned in previous testimony?”

“No, I haven’t,” Tavros says. Then, before Kankri can go on, he adds, “I don’t make a habit of reading things by vets who’ve had their credentials yanked.”

Kankri stares. Tavros thinks pretty much everyone is staring.

He continues, “Eraika Melran performed some experiments on babies -- human wigglers -- a few sweeps back. She wanted to see how they would react to being in total isolation, with no one touching them. All their physical needs were met through machines but no one ever held them or interacted with them. They, uh, they died.” He swallows. “Her partner on the project was another author you mentioned, Laiken Ranbow. And the last one was, Narbor Elcrow, I think? Well, he’s a botanist. I don’t take professional guidance from botanists, either.”

There’s a pause. Someone snorts loudly then quickly stifles it. Kankri turns to face the spectators, murder in every line of his body. After a moment, he turns stiffly back to Tavros. Tavros straightens his spine and looks straight back.

“When you first examined Dirk Strider,” Kankri says. “Did you find evidence of abuse or neglect?”

Tavros ‘hm’s thoughtfully.

“Not abuse,” he says, “but he had some minor vitamin deficiencies resulting from improper diet and the fact he’d never seen a vet was troubling.”

“So you found signs of neglect. Why didn’t you report this to the authorities?”

A couple of possible answers flick through Tavros’s head, mostly about the ineptitude of law enforcement when is comes to animal cruelty. He settles on, “Because I trusted Karkat to do something about it.”

“So you _assumed_ \-- ”

Tavros holds up a hand and continues. “We talked about it,” he says. “Karkat agreed to make Dirk’s meals and, uh, see to it he had proper nutrition. He also agreed to ensure he got proper socialization and veterinary care. Leaving it in his hands seemed reasonable, since involving animal welfare might have, uh, resulted in Dirk being to a shelter and there would be no way to tell where he’d end up, then.”

“So you passed the proverbial currency unit. You thought I was an inadequate custodian but you left him in my care anyway.”

“I think you’re an indifferent guardian,” Tavros tells him. “I don’t think you cared about Dirk. I definitely don’t think you care about Roxy. And, yes, in your terms, I did pass the currency unit. I passed it to someone in a position to fix the problem with minimum stress and drama, to someone I knew actually did care.”

“Caring and expertise are not the same thing,” Kankri says. “Miss Peixes and my hatchmate can care all they like and it won’t make them any more competent as a custodian than I am.”

There’s a pause.

“Well?” Kankri says.

“You didn’t ask me anything,” Tavros replies.

Kankri grunts then says, “No further questions.”

He returns to his dais and Tavros turns his eyes to Frilltail. The judge is examining a sheet of paper.

“Mr. Nitram,” he says, not looking up. “I’d like you describe an ideal human guardian.”

Tavros blinks.

“Oh,” he says. “Uh, okay, wow. That’s a pretty hard one because it’s, uh, pretty subjective. Some of them need constant companionship and stimulation, so a really quiet, introverted troll would be a bad fit. Sollux is a good guardian for Roxy because they share a lot of interests and, uh, challenge each other. My friend Nepeta has two humans, and they’re both pretty adventurous so it’s good she lives in the woods because they have plenty of room to play and explore. As long as a troll is able and willing to provide for basic needs like, uh, food and clothing, and put in the time to spend with them, there’s probably a human that’s a good match.”

“Thank you, Mr. Nitram,” says Frilltail. “You may step down.”

Tavros does, on shaking legs, and returns to his seat. He trips over Cronus, again, and almost does fall, but Janara is on her feet, supporting him, almost too quickly for the eye to follow. She steadies him, murmuring ‘well done’, and sits again before he can reply. As he lowers himself into his own seat, his face feels hot.

Kanaya pats his hand and, when he looks over, smiles, strained but sincere.

“Good job,” she says.

“Uh, thanks,” he manages, and then Latula is calling Kankri to the stand.


	12. Chapter 12

Kankri is angry, when he takes his seat. This much was obvious during Tavros’s testimony and is even more evident now as it he sits, silent and tense, hands clenched into tight fists in his lap, eyes narrowed at Latula. She doesn’t seem to notice, cool and composed in the face of nigh incandescent rage.

“When did you first adopt Dirk Strider?” she says.

Kankri opens his mouth, then stops and breathes deep, visibly composing himself.

“Seven sweeps ago,” he says. “I can’t recall the exact date. It was during the rainy season.”

“Why did you adopt him?” she asks.

“I was, at the time, heavily involved in activist work with the West Beforan Humane Society,” he says. “The time I spent in shelters and the homes of fellow activists who had similar pets convinced me I ought to acquire one, both as a public statement of support for the society and to assist in alleviating the terrible overcrowding at the shelters.”

“So the adoption was connected with your work for the Humane Society. Are you still associated with them?”

Kankri scowls.

“Though I did not realize it at the time, many of those in positions of power at the Society held views on pets, including humans, which I found to be at best misguided and, at worst, morally reprehensible. I was forced to sever ties them them some perigees after obtaining Dirk.”

“I see,” says Latula. “But you kept him?”

“I beg your pardon.”

“You kept Dirk, even after ‘severing ties’ with the Humane Society.”

“Of course I did,” Kankri sniffs. “Humans are an extremely delicate species and returning him to the shelter could have led to a dangerous psychotic break.”

“Did you find Dirk delicate?” Latula asks. She sounds amused.

“Extremely so,” says Kankri, “as should be obvious. He found even the slightest change in routine unsettling. Before my hatchmate entered my abode, he was demure and well-behaved. It was only after that he developed the many unsettling peculiarities your other witnesses seem to find so charming. He required a stable home environment to prevent him from becoming dangerously unbalanced and, for his sake, I wish Karkat had never darkened my entry portal.”

Karkat’s growl kicks up from past Kanaya and when Tavros looks over, she and Sollux are holding his wrists. The growl dies down as Latula speaks again.

“How does Dirk take his protein nodules?” she asks.

Kankri twitches as though struck.

“I don’t understand,” he says.

“Protein nodules,” she says again. “His cluckbeast eggs. He likes having them for breakfast. Do you know how he takes them?”

“I -- Well -- I never -- ” He stutters off into silence before recovering himself. “I fail to see how this is relevant to the matter at hand.”

“You’re asking for custody of a human,” she says, “on the grounds you would be a superior caretaker to Heiress Peixes. Four witnesses, including the human in question’s vet, have said providing proper nutrition is one of the most important functions a guardian fulfills in human care. I’m asking about the nutrition you provided when you had a human. According to Karkat, you didn’t feed Dirk; he cooked for himself. This is your chance to fire back. If you did take proper care of him, you should know how he takes his protein nodules. So. Do you?”

“I -- ” Kankri falters again. And then, “Scrambled.” He says it firmly, with finality, and his mouth twists towards a snarl when Latula shakes her head.

“Sorry,” she says. “Want to try again?”

“I -- _no_ ,” Kankri says. “This is ridiculous. This line of questioning proves nothing and I’ve a mind to object.”

“Go ahead,” says Latula.

Kankri turns to Frilltail who looks back at him, impassive.

“I object,” he says, “on the grounds that this question is irrelevant and absurd.”

“Overruled,” Frilltail says. “Continue, Miss Pyrope.”

“Thank you, your honor.” Latula pauses and, when Kankri only glares, saying, “Hard boiled. Do you know how he takes his coffee?”

“He doesn’t drink coffee,” Kankri says. “Or, if he does, he shouldn’t, as caffeine is a stimulant and extremely dangerous for a creature with so sensitive a constitution.”

“Black,” Latula says. “Very black. Is he right or left handed?”

Kankri hesitates for only a moment before saying, “Left, as should be obvious to anyone familiar with his behaviors. Repeated load on right-think sponge motor pathways excites surrounding tissue, leading to increased emotional response and irritability in left handed humans.”

“He’s ambidextrous,” Latula says, “so you’re half right. Did you really fire your pistols at him?”

Kankri reddens.

There’s a silence, as if every breath in the courtroom is held.

“Mr. Vantas?” says Frilltail.

“I have the right to remain silent and I wish to exercise it,” says Kankri.

“Objection,” says Latula. “This is not a criminal case. You’re not being charged. The statute of limitations is up on any crime you did commit. You have no standing to remain silent.”

“Sustained,” says Frilltail. “Mr. Vantas, please answer the question.”

Kankri takes a deep breath.

“Very well,” he says. “I had not wanted to go into the matter as it is unseemly and, I think, irrelevant to the matter at hand, but if you insist I shall discuss it.

“What you have referred to as merely ‘firing pistols’ at Dirk Strider was, in fact, a strife situation. Strider challenged me, the stakes being that, should he triumph, I would cede my superior claim and leave him in the care of my hatchmate. Strifes are, as has been my publicly held position for sweeps, an unpleasant and ill-conceived throwback to a less civilized era and I am ashamed to admit that I participated in one. However, I hold that there was no legal wrong-doing. Formal strifes are, sadly, still perfectly legal across the Empire and having participated in one is in no way indicative of my being ill-suited for human care.”

“But you participated in one with a human,” Latula says.

“Yes,” says Kankri, “Dirk Strider. We’ve established this at some length.”

“Strifes are legal,” Latula says, slowly, with the merest hint of condescension, “between trolls. Humans have no standing in the Beforan legal system and, unless I’m mistaken, there’s nothing in the strife statutes to indicate an exception. I’m not mistaken,” she adds. “We checked.”

“I -- I wasn’t -- ” Kankri says. “I merely -- He challenged me, you see.”

“And you accepted,” says Latula. “Isn’t it your position, and the position of the HRI, that humans are innately irrational and in need of protection from their own baser instincts?”

“Well, yes,” says Kankri. “In sum, that is our position, though it is somewhat more nuanced than you present.”

“Wouldn’t you call a five sweep old challenging a grown troll irrational?” she asks.

“You’re phrasing it rather more crudely than I would prefer. The situation was a complex one, with emotions running high on all sides.”

“Including yours?”

“Yes, in fact. Dirk was an important part of my nightly life and having him stolen from me was upsetting.”

“So, what you’re telling me,” Latula says, “is that, from your point of view, an innately irrational human child, disturbed by rapid change when he was in need of a stable environment, challenged you to a strife. And, because you were upset by a change to your nightly life, you accepted, and proceeded to fire your pistols at this irrational, disturbed human child. Mr. Vantas, are you sure it’s Dirk who’d most affected by changes in routine?”

Kankri flushes bright, angry red.

“That is an uncalled for attack on my character and I object to it in the strongest possible terms.”

“No need,” says Latula. “I withdraw the question. In fact, I think we’re done here. No further questions.”

Tavros doesn’t really listen after that. Kankri talks, monologuing his side in the absence of anyone to cross examine him, and then Frilltail asks him to clarify one or two remarks. But Tavros senses -- as, he thinks, does everyone -- that it’s over.

When Frilltail decides, then and there, in favor of Feferi, it’s not really momentous; it was a foregone conclusion.

 

The rest of the hearing goes quickly. Latula submits her motions for the upcoming trial -- that the humans be allowed to testify; that Tavros be called in in the case of further veterinary need while Dirk and Roxy are in custody; that Dirk be allowed visitors. Frilltail takes them calmly but can’t make a decision until the state has a chance to respond. Latula asks for a time limit on the response and he grants three nights.

Then it’s over and they file out. Kankri and his entourage have vanished, which is fine with everyone.

“Three nights,” Karkat says. “He said three nights. So we get a decision, then, right? I can’t wait three nights, fuck, my bloodpusher can’t handle it.”

“The state has three nights to respond,” Latula clarifies. “They could do it sooner but probably won’t. Shit moves hella slow up there. I asked for a limit ‘cause we’d be talking weeks otherwise. We’re still probably talking at least a week because the judge needs time to decide.”

“How long can that possibly take?” Karkat asks, a note of hysteria in his voice. “I mean, he’s just got to _decide_ based on information given to him, deciding shit is his _job_ , how can it possibly take four more nights?”

“He’s got a lotta shit to decide,” Latula says, sounding tired. “This isn’t his only case, you know. He’s got to review my motion, and whatever shit the state throws at him, and knowing those guys it’ll be convoluted as hell. They never make shit simple in the capital.”

“Do we know who the prosecutor will be?” Porrim asks, before Karkat starts up again.

“Yeah, it’s Alvero Fineas. He’s a fast talker but can’t write worth a damn. With any luck, he’ll be doing the motions himself. Frilltail won’t know what the fuck he’s saying and we’ll win by default. If he’s working with Arulah -- that’s Miniet Arulah -- it’ll be harder. Arulah does good written work, though she’s not much good in the courtroom. Babe’s got some serious stage fright going on.”

“How will we know when the judge has made his decision?” says Porrim.

“I’ll let you know,” Latula says, then checked the time on her palmhusk. “That’s all we can do for today. Thank you all for your help. Feferi, we’ve got the head for the kennels. I’ll see you all soon.”

She and Feferi depart on a cloud of reassurances.

Eridan, as they go, turns to Sollux and Karkat. Karkat is hugging himself, watching them leave with his eyes misted pink, and Sollux has an arm around his shoulders. They both look tired, Tavros thinks, but knows they won’t rest well until their hive is full again.

“Ain’t you goin’ with them?” Eridan asks. “I thought you’d be all afire to see Roxy again.”

Karkat opens his mouth, closes it again, and shakes his head.

“We can’t,” he says.

“Whaddaya mean, ‘can’t’? They’re going to get her right now. Who says you can’t see her?”

Karkat is silent, for a moment, then sighs. Tavros clears his throat.

“What Karkat means,” he says, “is that there is a provision in the law that says trolls who are, uh, accused of abuse or neglect can’t have contact with their alleged victims, until the charges are, uh, dealt with.”

Eridan stares at him.

“No contact,” he says. “No contact at all? You mean, they can’t even troll her?”

“Congratulations,” Karkat says. It sounds like he’s going for his usual vitriol but his voice is watery and cracked, utterly alien to those gathered. “You figured it out. No contact means no contact, dipshit.”

“Oh my gog,” says Eridan. “Well but -- it won’t be too bad, will it? Fef’s got her, and you can talk to Fef.”

Karkat doesn’t answer. His head drops against Sollux’s shoulder and he sighs again. Sollux mutters something into his hair and he says, “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” He looks around at the rest of them. “We’re headed home. If anything changes we’ll -- whoever finds out will let the others know, I guess.”

“I’ll accompany you,” says Kanaya, after a swift look at Porrim. “I find I could do with a walk.”

“Sure,” Karkat says, and the three of them walk off, Karkat flanked by the other two, Sollux’s arm still around his shoulders, Kanaya’s hand slipped into the crook of his elbow.

Slowly, the group breaks up. The Amporas and Porrim Maryam go to hail their separate cabs. Equius and Nepeta begin the walk to the garage where Equius’s car is waiting. Tavros is left with Janara who offers him a sad smile and another ‘well done’ before she, too, leaves, headed for the underground mass transit system.

Tavros looks back the justice center, vast and immovable, blotting out the sky, for a long moment before he makes his own way home. He isn’t sure how he’s going to tell Rufioh about this but he has six blocks to decide.


	13. Chapter 13

Roxy doesn’t talk much on the way to the palace. She hugs Feferi and Latula hard, tears glossing her eyes, when she’s brought out to them, but falls silent after a few stuttered ‘thank yous’. Feferi leads her out with an arm around her shoulders, and Latula stays protective at her other side until they reach Feferi’s chauffeured car. Then Latula accepts another hug from Roxy, and one from Feferi, before beginning the walk back to her office. Her night is far from over.

Feferi holds Roxy’s hand in the car and tells her, “Janie will be so happy to see you. She would have come along but there’s that stupid ‘no pets in the courtblock’ rule. She suggested disguising herself as a troll but we couldn’t figure out how to make realistic horns.”

She pauses, waiting for a response. None comes. Roxy is looking at her, clearly listening, but all she does is smile, cracked and unconvincing. Feferi swallows hard and goes on.

“We’ve got a room set up for you, right next door to Jane. Well, Jane set it up. She wouldn’t hear of anyone else touching it.”

Roxy says, “Oh, Janie,” and Feferi offers her a sympathetic smile.

“She really cares about you a lot.”

“I care about her, too,” Roxy says, and her eyes gloss with tears again. Feferi lets go of her and offers the shelter of her arm. Roxy takes it, burrowing into Feferi’s side, face hidden in her shoulder. “I don’t know why,” she says. “Nothing happened, I just -- ” She stops, slips an arm around Feferi’s waist and shakes.

Feferi presses her lips to the top of Roxy’s head and holds her tight.

“It’s okay,” she says. “It’ll be okay. Everything is going to be just fine. You’re safe, now, you’re out and everything’s going to be okay.”

“There was nothing I could do,” Roxy confides. “Nothing. I just had to wait. I feel so powerless.”

“You’re not powerless,” Feferi says. “You’re in a difficult situation and you’re doing the best you can. That’s all any of us can do and if anyone tells you otherwise I will happily introduce them to my 2x3dent.”

Roxy laughs, shaky and small.

“Thank you, Feferi,” she says. “I do appreciate -- everything. I just wish I could go home.”

“Oh, cuttlefish,” she says. “You will, soon. Latula will make sure of that. And until then, you’ll be safe with me and Jane. I think Meenah made you a welcome cake, too.”

“Aw.” Roxy draws back, a little, smiling more sincerely. “That’s nice of her. Where does she even stand on -- everything?”

Feferi grins.

“Meenah stands for anything that causes a headache for law enforcement,” she says and Roxy laughs again.

“I should have known. She and Vriska should get together.”

“Oh, no. I don’t think the world’s ready for that.”

“Exactly why it needs to happen. It’ll be great. Gr8, even.”

Feferi laughs and Roxy leans into her shoulder with a sigh.

“Any word on Dirk?” she asks.

Feferi frowns.

“He was uncooperative during his medical exam,” she says. “Really uncooperative. So they’ve decided to hold him until trial.”

“Ugh. Dumbbutt.”

“But Latula’s made a motion to allow us to visit him. If it does through, we’ll see if we can get you in, too.”

“That would be good,” Roxy says. “I would like that. Thank you, Feferi. I feel like I’m going to be saying that a lot.”

“Thank Latula,” Feferi says. “She’s the lawyer.”

“I will. I should send her flowers or something. Maybe a wizard or two. A dragon wizard.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate anything you want to give her,” Feferi says and squeezes her shoulders. “She’s also made a motion to allow you and Dirk to testify at trial. Will you be up for it?”

“Of course,” Roxy says. “I’d really love to. But I don’t think I’ll be allowed.”

Feferi tells her about the precedent Latula dug up and Roxy nods. She looks better, more color in her cheeks.

“Awesome,” she says. “And Dirk will totes be all for it. Just throw him out there and, poof, it’s all over.”

“We’ll need you too,” Feferi says. “And Karkat and Equius and Porrim. We’ll need everyone. This is a team effort.”

“And we’ve got the best team there is.”

Feferi hugs her tight and the rest of the ride is buoyed by hope for a better future.

 

Jane is waiting when they arrive, sitting on the step outside the door to Feferi’s private apartments. She leaps to her feet as they pull up, fear on her face melting into pure relief when the car door opens. Roxy gets out first and immediately engulfed in a hug.

“Roxy,” Jane says. “Oh, gog, Roxy, I was so afraid they’d keep you.”

Roxy laughs but she’s hugging back just as hard.

“Nah, Janie, Latula’s top notch. We can totes trust her on this law bee ess.”

“But what if they’d sent you to Kankri? It would have been -- gosh, I can’t even imagine how awful it would have been.”

“Let’s don’t try, kay?” Roxy’s still not letting go. “I’m here, now, so cut the waterworks. You’re gonna make me cry.”

Jane sniffs hard.

“Sorry,” she says. “I’m sorry, Roxy, I’m just -- so glad you’re here!”

Feferi, who has been watching the reunion fondly, decides it’s time to move them along.

“Okay, ladies,” she says. “Let’s continue this inside, shall we? I heard Meenah was making a cake.”

“Yes,” says Jane. She lets Roxy go with obvious reluctance. “It’s a marble cake and it smells delicious. She wouldn’t let me help.”

“Marble cake like white and chocolate mixed together?” Roxy asks. “Hellz yeah, sign me up.”

Jane begins to speak then stops and shakes her head. She grabs Roxy’s hand and leads the way inside, Feferi trailing after them. She breaks off, as they make for the kitchen and ducks into her own office. The computer and booted up and read and when she clicks the Trollian icon, she finds Karkat online.

CC: We’re )(ome!   
CC: Me and Roxy, I mean. Latula and I picked )(er up at the kennel and I brought )(er straight to t)(e palace.  
CG: OKAY, GOOD. SHE’S OUT OF THE FUCKING CAGE.   
CG: HOW DOES SHE SEEM? IF THEY DID ANYTHING TO HER IN THERE I SWEAR I WILL GO FUCKING NUCLEAR AND KILL EVERY ONE OF THEM.  
CC: S)(e’s fine, Crabcatch, no need to worry!   
CC: A little s)(aken, but seeing JAN-E c)(eered her RIG)(T up. 38D   
CC: Meena)( made a cake for )(er and t)(ey’re off eating it rig)(t now. I’m going to JOIN TH-EM but I t)(ought I’d c)(eck in wit)( you first!  
CG: OKAY, GOOD. THAT’S GOOD. THAT SHE’S OKAY.   
CG: AND THANKS, I GUESS, FOR LETTING ME KNOW.   
CG: AND FOR TAKING HER IN TO BEGIN WITH. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD OF YOU AND WE APPRECIATE IT.   
CG: THOUGH I KIND OF WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP DOING THINGS I NEED TO THANK THEM FOR. ALL THIS GRATITUDE IS STARTING TO CHAFE.  
CC: Don’t be silly! You don’t )(ave to T)(HANK M-E! Roxy is Jane’s B-EST FRI-END!!!!   
CC: And you’re our friend, too! )(-ELPING is w)(at friends do! I know you’d do t)(e same for me!  
CG: YOUR FAITH IN ME IS BOTH TOUCHING AND MISPLACED. BUT NOW’S NOT THE TIME TO GO INTO MY MYRIAD DEFICIENCIES AS BOTH A FRIEND AND TROLL.   
CG: I KNOW WE’VE GOT THIS WHOLE ‘NO CONTACT’ THING GOING ON BUT COULD YOU JUST   
CG: TELL HER WE LOVE HER?   
CG: AND THAT, GOG WILLING, SHE’LL BE HOME SOON.   
CG: AND WE’LL BE WAITING FOR HER.   
CG: MOSTLY THAT WE LOVE HER.   
CG: BECAUSE WE REALLY DO.  
CC: OF COURS-E I will!   
CC: I t)(ink s)(e already knows, but I’ll tell her.  
CG: THANKS, FEFERI.   
CG: I’M GOING TO GO CRY ALL OVER SOLLUX AGAIN.   
CG: TALK TO YOU SOON.  
CC: Okay, bye!   
CC: And DON’T WORRY! ------EV------ERYT)(ING is going to be FIN-------E!!!!!

Feferi sends a quick message to Eridan and one to Equius, letting them know all is well. Equius isn’t online but Nepeta responds over his account, thanking her and promising to pass on the message. Janara is offline, too, but Samy isn’t. She responds at once, delighted and relieved to hear that Roxy is safe, and vows to let the rest of the family know.

By the time she gets to Tavros, Feferi is beginning to wonder why she didn’t just set up a memo after she talked to Karkat.

Finally, though, she’s done and ready to join Jane and Roxy in the kitchen.

Meenah isn’t there but the cake is, moist and delicious as always, and she sits with the two humans at the table, taking the seat at Roxy’s side, in case she needs the support.

She seems fine, though, smiling as she and Jane discuss some movie Jake’s been pestering them to watch, and Feferi listens to them as she eats her cake, eternally delighted by the delight they take in one another, and only clears her throat once her plate is clean.

“I wanted to tell you about the hearing,” she says, when they turn to face her, and then tells the story.

They listen without interruption, Jane chewing her lower lip, Roxy without expression. She’d shut down at the first mention of the hearing and if it weren’t for the determined gleam in her eye, Feferi might have thought she didn’t want to know.

When Feferi finishes, there’s a silence.

Jane breaks it.

“It won’t be that easy,” she says, “at the real trial. We’ll be up against real lawyers, who are incompetent like Kankri. It’ll be a lot harder.”

“It will be harder,” Feferi agrees. “But hard doesn’t mean impossible. As long as we do our best, there’s nothing to worry about. We’ll win this.” She looks at Roxy, finds her face drawn, eyes shuttered, and reaches out to touch her clenched hand. “We’ll win this,” she says, again, and, slowly, Roxy nods.

“Yeah,” she says. She smiles, strained but sincere, over at Jane. “She’s right. Feferi’s right, Jane. So don’t worry. We’ve got this.”

 

The week passes achingly slow for Karkat. While most of the others have work to bury themselves in --  even Sollux has his codes -- Karkat’s been on the mutant stipend his entire life and a full-time lusus for so long that doing anything else seems strange, like he’s constantly forgetting some important task.

The moments he actually does forget are the worst. When he passes Roxy’s open portal or Dirk’s closed one, there’s an inevitable urge to look in, see what she’s reading, what he’s building, and sometimes it takes until he’s stepped forward to peer or knock for him to remember.

Sollux has found him crying in the corridor more than once before the week is half over.

With half his teachers unavailable, Dave’s lessons are suspended but Cronus or Eridan or both bring him over after they get off work every night. Neither of them are much good at comforting but telling them how much they suck at it makes Karkat feel a little bit better.

Feferi trolls every evening over breakfast and in the morning before she hits the cocoon, assuring them of Roxy’s continued health and safety. She’s hanging out with Jane, mostly, and Meenah keeps baking them cakes. Karkat always cries a little over the updates and rereads them obsessively in between. He and Sollux can’t keep up with all the mutual papping that needs to go on, not if they want to eat, but they sleep curled up together and Karkat takes up semi-permanent residence in the pile in Sollux’s block, streaming romcoms with Feferi’s Trollian window open in one corner while Sollux curses over codes that have never given him this much trouble in his life.

Nine days pass this way.

On day ten, when Cronus Ampora is making himself comfortable in the rec block and Dave is visibly resisting the urge to ask for Dirk, again, Latula calls.

Frilltail has made a decision.


	14. Chapter 14

By the Order of His Imperial Certainty, Judge Frilltail of the Northern Plain,

1\. The humans known as Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde, and Jane Crocker are hereby permitted to testify in case #73697F-84, the Empire v. Karkat Vantas, Sollux Captor, and Equius Zahhak;  
2\. In the case of future veterinary need by the human known as Dirk Strider, Tavros Nitram, VM, will henceforth be summoned, excepting in extraordinary emergency circumstances;  
3\. The human known as Dirk Strider will henceforth be allowed visitors while in state custody.

It is so ordered.

 

When Porrim goes to visit, Karkat accompanies her. He can’t go in, not with the no contact order still in effect, but he goes along and waits outside. He doesn’t like it, leaving Sollux alone, but he’s like staying even less and Sollux had sworn he’d be fine.

“I’m not flipping out ath bad ath you,” he’s said, which was only true about half the time. “Go thtand outthide the kennel and fret. It’th better than fretting here, fuck.”

So Karkat had gone, leaving Sollux in an empty hive, and he stood outside the kennel to fret while Porrim went in to see Dirk. It felt wrong, to be so close and unable to see him, and he tried not to angry with Porrim for being allowed. It wasn’t her fault. It was society’s fault, or maybe just Karkat’s. He’d started this whole Initiative thing, and he hadn’t managed to stop Dirk from pursuing any of his dumbshit stunts. Yeah, it was probably Karkat’s own fault. Karkat’s, and maybe Dirk’s. It was his dumbshit stunt.

Karkat’s palmhusk buzzes in his pocket as he’s grinding his fists into his temples, and he growls as he reaches for it. Not a call, just a text. It’s from Tavros, fuck everything in the world, if it’s more bad news --

“hOW ARE YOU?” is all it says and Karkat growls again.

“IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF PRELUDE TO GENTLING ME INTO ANOTHER ROUND OF SOUL-DESTROYING ANGUISH YOU CAN STOP IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW,” he responds. “I FORBID THERE TO BE ANY MORE DESPAIR. WE ARE AT MAXIMUM DESPAIR, NO FURTHER ENTRANTS NEED APPLY, AND IF SOME ASSHOLE DECIDES TO TAKE ANOTHER FETID DUMP ON THE SHIT PILE THAT IS MY LIFE, DON’T NEED TO BE EASED INTO IT. JUST COME THE FUCK OUT AND SAY IT. WHAT HARM COULD IT DO? GO AHEAD AND TELL ME THE EMPRESS HAS DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR MUTANT AND MY LEFT LEG IS TO BE SERVED UP IN A SAVORY EASTERN-STYLE BUTLERMILK SAUCE. TELL ME YOU’VE HAD AN UNEXPECTED OUTBREAK OF GOOD TASTE SO YOU’RE DUMPING GAMZEE AND HE NEEDS TO CRASH ON MY COUCH AGAIN. HELL, TELL ME YOU’RE GETTING ARRESTED FOR FORNICATION WITH JUVENILE OINKBEASTS. SEE IF I CARE. NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY SAY CAN MAKE THINGS WORSE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE SO DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE CANDY COATING.”

There’s a pause long enough for his palmhusk to lock itself after he sends this. Karkat buries a hand in his hair and pulls until the response comes through.

“nOT, uH, gREAT THEN, iS HOW I’M READING THING,” it says. “i MEAN, i SUSPECTED AS MUCH BUT IT WANTED TO ASK.” Another message comes through shortly after. “tHERE’S NOTHING WRONG, i WAS JUST CHECKING IN, i KNOW PORRIM WAS PLANNING TO, uH, vISIT DIRK TODAY,”

Karkat huffs and blinks a sudden swell of tears away. He lets go of his hair to text back.

“SHE’S IN THERE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. I’M WAITING ON THE STREET LIKE THE USELESS TRASH I AM.”

“ sTOP THAT,” Tavros replies. “ i GET THAT, cOLORFUL SELF-FLAGELLATION IS, uH, kIND OF YOUR THING, bUT IT’S KIND OF UNPRODUCTIVE, eSPECIALLY NOW, wHEN WE NEED YOU AT YOUR BEST.”

Karkat sniffs hard and watches as more bronze text scrolls up his screen.

“ yOU REALLY CAN’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT AT TRIAL, bOTH BECAUSE THE JURY MIGHT TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD, wHICH WOULD BE BAD, aND ALSO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH, aND i THINK YOU KNOW THAT ISN'T TRUE,”

“THIS ISN’T A TRIAL,” Karkat shoots back, “IT’S A TEXT CONVERSATION I DON’T WANT TO BE HAVING.”

“ tHEN WHY DID YOU ANSWER ME, aFTER I SAID IT WAS JUST CHECKING IN,”

Karkat blinks. A couple of tears drip from his eyes. One clings to his cheek while the other tumbles, splashing pink against the palmhusk screen. He rubs at his face with the sleeve of his sweater and sighs.

CG: OKAY, FINE. TALKING WITH YOU IS SLIGHTLY MORE TOLERABLE THAN SITTING AROUND WITH MY GRASPING FROND UP MY NOOK.  
AT: fLATTERING,  
AT: fEFERI JUST MESSAGED ME, cAN I DROP BY YOURS AND, uH, pICK UP A FEW THINGS?  
AT: fOR ROXY, I MEAN, sHE, uH, wANTS SOME BOOKS, aND A WIZARD,

Karkat chokes on a sob and has to breath deeply for several moments before he can respond.

CG: WHY NOT? COME INTO MY HIVE, RIFLE PRECIOUS POSSESSIONS, KEEPSAKES OF MY LOST CHILD, THEN CARRY THEM AWAY WITH YOU. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?  
AT: dO YOU NOT WANT ME TO, i DON’T, uH, hAVE TO BY ANY MEANS, rOXY WILL UNDERSTAND, pROBABLY,  
CG: I JUST SAID I DIDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.  
AT: yOU KIND OF SOUND LIKE, yOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT, tHOUGH,  
CG: OF COURSE I DON’T.  
AT: kARKAT, i AM GOING TO ASSUME THAT YOU ARE BEING SARCASTIC, bECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE IS, uH, kIND OF DEPRESSING,  
CG: OF COURSE I’M BEING SARCASTIC, JEGUS FUCK. I MEAN, YES, COME GET ROXY’S STUFF. IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF OKAY SEEING AS THERE’S A NEED FOR IT TO BE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT GO AHEAD AND DO IT. I’LL JUST GO CRY OR SOMETHING WHILE YOU’RE THERE.  
AT: hAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING WATER,  
CG: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?  
AT: wELL, i JUST MEAN, iT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE DOING A LOT OF CRYING,  
AT: i WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE PROPERLY HYDRATED,  
CG: STEP OFF, NITRAM. YOU’RE NOT MY MOIRAIL.  
AT: tHANK GOG,  
CG: FUCK YOU, TOO. WHY DID FEFERI ASK YOU TO GET ROXY’S STUFF?  
AT: i HAVE TO GO SEE THEM, aNYWAY, sO IT SEEMED CONVENIENT,  
CG: WHAT ABOUT?  
AT: wHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW,  
CG: LOOK, I ALREADY SAID I’D RATHER TALK TO YOU THAN SIT AROUND DOING NOTHING. IF THERE’S SOME BIG FUCKING SECRET, DON’T TELL ME, BUT I’M JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.  
AT: oH, tHAT’S OKAY, tHEN,  
AT: iT’S NOT A SECRET, rEALLY, i JUST DIDN’T WANT TO WORRY YOU UNDULY  
CG: WELL, FUCK, NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME.  
AT: pROBABLY,  
AT: i’M JUST GOING TO GIVE ROXY A CHECK-UP  
CG: WHY? WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER?  
CG: I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. FEFERI TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY. IS EVERYTHING NOT OKAY?  
CG: GOGDAMMIT, NITRAM, WHAT’S WRONG WITH ROXY?  
AT: nOTHING!  
AT: nOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER, wE JUST THOUGHT A CHECK-UP MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA, bETWEEN THE KENNEL STAY, aND THE STRESS,  
AT: sHE’S ABOUT DUE FOR ONE, aNYWAY,  
AT: pLEASE STOP PANICKING,  
CG: FUCK YOU, I AM NOT PANICKING!

Tavros doesn’t reply and there’s no flashing indicator to say he’s typing. Karkat is about to call him and start yelling when his husk rings in his hand and he drops it on the ground.

It’s Sollux.

“Hello?” he says. “Sollux? What the fuck, is everything okay, why are you -- ?”

“Shoosh,” Sollux says.

Karkat sputters.

“ _What?_ ”

“Shoosh,” Sollux says again. “Tavroth jutht trolled me and thaid you were panicking. Do I need to come get you?” He’s using the half-anxious, half-annoyed tone that means he’s concerned but not yet panicking himself.

Karkat sniffs hard.

“Fuck, KK, shoosh, I’ll be there in -- ”

“No,” Karkat says. “No, don’t. I’m fine.”

“Karkat -- ”

“No, really, I am, I’m okay, I -- ” He sniffs again and rubs at his eyes. “I have to stay and wait for Porrim. I’ll have her bring me home and I know it goes against your every fucked up instinct to let someone else do that but I can’t not stay here, okay, I have to see this through. I have to.”

There’s a pause. Karkat breaths deep, ready to fill it, when Sollux speaks.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll thee you when you get home. Do you want me to thtay on the line?”

Karkat considers this.

“Just until Porrim gets back?” he says, and Sollux does.

 

“He was -- ” Porrim hesitates briefly, biting her lip. “As well as could be expected.”

She’s sitting at the nutrition block horizontal surface, hands wrapped loosely around a cup of coffee as she tells Sollux and Karkat about her visit. She looks tired and too pale but better than she had walking out of the kennel. Then she’d looked so shaken Karkat hadn’t argued when she said he could wait until they got to the hive to hear about it.

Karkat bites his tongue on a retort and Sollux squeezes his hand.

“He hadn’t been told I was coming,” she continues, “and was surprised to hear he’d been granted visitation. He asked about you.” She grimaces faintly. “It was the first thing he asked. I assured him that you were -- surviving.” She hasn’t been looking either of them in the eye but it becomes more pronounced. “He was relieved. And angry to learn Kankri had applied for guardianship of Roxy.”

“Of fucking course,” Karkat snaps and Sollux squeezes his hand again.

“I managed to talk him down,” Porrim continues after a moment. “And he commended our efforts in court. I hadn’t the time to go into as much detail as he would have liked but I told him about the hearing. He wants to buy Tavros a pony.”

Karkat snorts then covers his face with his free hand, eyes closed tight. Sollux lets go of his hand and slides closer, putting an arm around his shoulders.

“I told him,” Porrim says, “that while I agree we owe Tavros a debt of gratitude a musclebeast is unlikely to fit comfortably in his hive. He suggested miniaturization and I agreed to discuss the idea with Equius. It was at that point I was asked to leave.”

Karkat stares at her. She takes a sip of her coffee.

“That’s it?” he says. “You were in there a gogdamn hour and that’s _it_? He asked how we were doing, you talked about miniature musclebeasts and then you left? How could you just leave?”

Porrim meets his eyes with a poisonous glare.

“Our discussion of the hearing took some time,” she says. “and while I would certainly have liked to spent more time with him, we are extraordinarily lucky that I was able to see him at all. I know you’re his lusus but I am his moirail, and I’d appreciate it if you showed some respect for that.”

Karkat averts his eyes, once more welling with tears, and nods. He starts to speak and coughs instead. He manages on the second try.

“Sorry.”

“I understand,” Porrim says. “This is an emotional time for you. Try to remember it’s an emotional time for the rest of us, too.”

Karkat nods.

“Sorry,” he says again, and buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Consider yourself forgiven,” Porrim says. There’s a brief pause before she says, “I should be going. Kanaya will be wondering how it went.”

Sollux gets up to see her to the door. Karkat stays where he is, unmoving, until Sollux returns and hauls him bodily to his feet and into his arms.

“I’m such an asshole,” Karkat tells his shoulder, hands weakly clutching his t-shirt.

“Yeah,” Sollux agrees. “But Porrim’th cool. She getth it.”

“She’s his moirail and I just -- ”

“Shoosh,” Sollux says. “You apologithed, she akthepted. Leave it, KK. Just leave it.”

“I just wish none of this had happened,” Karkat says, this time in a whisper.

Sollux sighs, deep and profound, and holds on a little tighter.

“Me, too,” he says. “Me, too.”

 

Time passes, slow and painful. Porrim visits Dirk every day she’s allowed and trolls Sollux with updates when she gets home.

He is b+ored.

He thanks you f+or the b+o+oks, th+ough the ~ath guide was c+onfiscated as c+ontraband.

He has a new r+ob+ot idea. I t+o+ok n+otes and am t+o f+orward them t+o Equius.

I have advised against a hunger strike.

Karkat doesn’t go with her again but he spends his mornings in Sollux’s block and hangs over his shoulder, as the Trollian notifications roll in. He cries, most nights.

It’s worse when he doesn’t.

Tavros comes by every few nights and stays for a while. He’s in closest contact with Latula and keeps them up to speed on the motions she’s filing, and the ones she probably won’t.

“Beforus doesn’t have the death penalty anymore,” he points out, more than once. “And Kankri is, uh, not charged with anything? So while I agree it would be, uh, emotionally satisfying, the judge probably won’t go for it.”

He seems convinced that Karkat and Sollux are on the verge of starvation because he brings by a quiche or casserole a minimum of once a week. Karkat would tell him to fuck off with that shit but, well, he’s not far off. It’s harder to get up the will to cook, without Dirk swiping his ingredients and Roxy’s effusive thanks.

Equius they hear from a few times after Porrim sends him Dirk’s ideas. One of them involved coordinating with Sollux and Equius is bound and determined to coordinate, no matter what Sollux’s feelings on the matter are. His initial refusal makes Karkat cry for some reason, so Captor-Zahhak robodates become a thing, at least for a while, and only when there’s an Ampora or a Maryam around to keep Karkat company.

Janara, who must have been talking to Tavros, has them over for dinner -- it’s not an invitation so much as a command. Sara is tired and unhappy but she talks code with Sollux while Samy hovers over her shoulder and Denbry indulges Karkat’s obsession by bringing up every case Frilltail has ever decided on his tablet.

“Northern judges know what they’re doing,” he says, as Karkat browses. “Not like this Southern beastshit of citing and fining everyone who tilts their horns wrong. And don’t get me started on the executions. Back when the old Empress was in charge -- ”

“You weren’t even alive then,” Sara points out.

“It’s history, sweetie, I know history.”

“You know incorrect history.”

“Weren’t you complaining about Judge Airtongue last night?” Nanu, mostly silent up to this point, asks. “He’s about as Northern as you can get.”

“Well, but see, he’s a Tundra and everyone knows Tundras are -- ”

“And now you’re stereotyping,” Sara says.

There’s no bite in their bickering. Being around it feels like family.

Karkat cries again on the way home.

The Amporas, meanwhile, have moved into the Captor-Vantas hive on a semi-permanent basis. Sollux assumes they go home to sleep but he’s found one of them in the nutrition block in the early evening more than once so who even knows. Having them around is annoying but fussing over Dave and shouting at his guardians cheers Karkat up so Sollux can’t complain too much.

As time passes, they sink into a routine, sad and tenuous, though it might be. There’s a brief furor when the trial date is set -- two perigees out -- but it settles back into their new normal quickly enough. It’s another week before real life, as it often does, shatters them again.

 

It’s Tavros who calls to warn them.

“The story broke,” is the first thing he says, cutting off Karkat’s snarled greeting.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Karkat demands.

“Porrim is here,” Tavros says. “She just, us, she was visiting Dirk. There was a reporter waiting when she got outside.”

“A what?”

“A reporter. A, uh, story shouter. Look, just, uh, turn on the news. Someone got wind of the trial and it’s -- ”

“Fuck!” Karkat says. “Gogdammit! What’s she doing there? Aren’t you at work?”

He’s fumbling for the grubvision controlling device, lost in the cushions of his plush armed seating unit.

“Yes,” Tavros is saying as he finds it and flips on the viewscreen. “But the reporter was, uh, persistent, and we were the closest place she could think of.”

Karkat gets the right channel in time to catch the end of the story. His mugshot is there. He curses again.

“Call Latula,” he snaps. “How the fuck are we supposed to handle this -- Fuck!”

The entrygrub downstairs is squealing hard, like someone is squishing the life out of it.

“Porrim’s on the husk with her right now,” Tavros says. “We were thinking a, uh, a meeting, and -- ”

“Yes, good get everyone together. As soon as possible. I’ve got to go, there’s someone at the portal.”

He’s already headed down the steps. 

“Be careful!” Tavros says, and Karkat hangs up.

Karkat storms down the stairs, head spinning, ears ringing with the entrygrub’s continued squeals. He can’t think, can’t process, and doesn’t connect Tavros’s news to the persistent ring until he’s thrown open the portal and --

“Mr. Vantas! Were you aware of your human’s relationship with Equius Zahhak?”

A camera goes off inches from his face and he gives a skree of rage before slamming the portal shut again.

The grub picks up its cry again, somehow louder, and he plucks it from its niche beside the portal. It squirms in his hand but stops screaming.

“Sollux!” he yells up the stairs. “Don’t open the portal!” A knock starts up behind him and he grits his teeth.

“What’th going on?” Sollux calls back, then appears at the top of the stairs.

Karkat gestures with the grub.

“Media,” he says and goes towards the kitchen. Sollux follows a few seconds later.

“Media?” he asks over the muted pounding from the entryhall.

“Media,” Karkat confirms. He pulls a spare terrarium from under the sink and drops the grub into it. “Do we have something for it to burrow in?”

Sollux goes to fetch the sawdust from beside the gamegrub tank and then looks at Karkat expectantly.

“Tavros called,” Karkat says, scooping the dust liberally into the terrarium. The grub flails and squawks once before settling. Karkat recounts the call and drops the sawdust bag on the floor beside the garbage can. “Grab your husktop,” he finishes. “I only caught the end of the report. Let’s see what these turdfuckers have to say about us.”

 

The report is awful in that predictable way that news reports are often awful. It doesn’t say anything about the custody hearing, keeping a narrow focus on the criminal charges against Karkat, Sollux, and especially Equius. News is Wiggler-rated but all manner of dire beastshit can get through by way of implication and it is implied that Karkat pimped out his human pet to his friends for fun and possibly profit. There are shots of Porrim ‘no comment’ing and further shots of the Zahhak hive, which has never looked so menacing.

By the time they’re halfway through the four and a half minute clip, Sollux gives up papping and sits his bony ass down on Karkat’s lap and wraps around him.

The pounding on the door has tapered off by the time they’re done. Karkat is pleased by this, insofar as he can be pleased by anything over the blood ringing through his ears.

Sollux is suddenly groping his hip and he realizes some of the ringing is actually his palmhusk. He bats Sollux’s hand away and answers it.

“What?”

“We’re on our way,” Porrim tells him. “Tavros ordered us a conveyance. We will pick up Equius and Kanaya and be there in half an hour. Latula should be there sooner.”

“Good,” Karkat says. “Watching out for lurking story shouters and knock loud. We had to disconnect the grub.”

“Very wise,” Porrim says.

“How about the others?”

“Tavros has set up a memo to alert everyone. He is calling those not currently online.”

Now that she mentions it, he can kind of hear Tavros’s voice, muffled and stuttery, from the other end of the line.”

“Did you see the report?” he asks. 

“Yes.” Her tone grows yet darker. “I presume you have as well. Remain calm, Karkat.”

“Fuck you,” Karkat says. “I already have a moirail. He’s climbing all over me as we speak.”

“That’s just as well,” she tells him. “Have him remain there until we arrive.”

“I was actually kind of planning on it?”

“We’ll see you soon,” she says, and hangs up.

 

Latula is armed, when she arrives. There’ a sword hanging from her waist and her hand lingers on it until the portal is sealed behind her. It looks like the ceremonial saber she received when she finished her legal training; showy, but no less deadly for it.

“Porrim texted me,” she says, as they usher her into the nutrition block. “You’ve had some visitors?”

Karkat picks up the terrarium and gestures with it. He’s too affronted to speak for at least another few minutes. Latula snorts.

Sollux plucks the terrarium from Karkat’s hand before he can throw it and says, “Coffee?”

Nepera manages to arrive next, which is a good thing, because by the time Porrim and her entourage arrive, Equius is very much in need of his moirail. Sollux shoos them into ablution block, passes out coffee, and makes more.

“I couldn’t get ahold of Vriska,” Tavros says, sitting at the horizontal surface with Porrim, grim and silent, and a heart-sick Kanaya. “I think she’s, uh, out of town, maybe. But Janara and Denbry are on their way. They’re bringing Samy, I think, and maybe Sara.”

“We may as well begin now,” Latula says. “Someone can fill the others in when they arrive. Or emerge.” She flicks a glance toward the wall separating the nutrition and ablution blocks. She’s using her Lawyer Voice -- a little lower and filled with confidence. She looks around at those assembled, narrowed eyes faintly visible behind her red ocular shields.

“First,” she says, “I would like to apologize. We knew this was coming. It was my assumption it wouldn’t begin until the trial. I thought we would have more time to prepare. I was wrong and because I was wrong you were all caught unaware. For that I’m sorry. Karkat,” she says and he looks up from Sollux’s hand, which he’s been playing with as they hover by the coffee machine.

“What did you say to the story howlers?” she asks.

Karkat enfolds Sollux’s hand in both of his and squeezes.

“Nothing,” he says. “It’s not like I had a prepared fucking statement.”

“You will, next time,” she says. “You all will,” she adds, to those assembled. “But until then, ‘no comment’ is exactly the right response.”

Nepera and Equius rejoin them in time to hear this last. Nepeta grins and says, “We’re okay,” before ushering Equius -- who looks rather dazed -- to the last remaining seat. It creaks under his weight but holds. “Sollux,” she says. “Do you still have that tea?”

Sollux puts water on to boil.

“I apologize,” Equius says, “for my unseemly display.”

“Just tell me how much laundry we’re going to need to do,” Karkat snaps.

Equius breaks into a fresh sweat.

“I -- that is to say -- ”

“Oh, never mind.” Karkat looks at Latula. “So what are we telling the carrion-eating wingbeasts?”

“I was getting to that,” she says. “For some of you -- Nepeta, this applies to you -- a simple expression of support for the others will suffice. You will say you believe them to be capable and compassionate guardians and that Dirk’s relationship with Equius is both consensual and equal. Put it in your own words but that should be the gist. Porrim,” she says, and Porrim looks up from the coffee she’s been intimidating for the last several minutes. “It’s up to you if you want to be in that group. So far your status as Dirk’s moirail hasn’t gotten much play. That might change or it might not. If you make a public statement, it could cause enough of an uproar to get you charged. Are you ready for that?”

“I am,” Porrim says, without hesitation. “That was the plan, after all.”

“Plans can change,” Latula says but doesn’t argue. “Karkat and Sollux. Your line is that you’re caring guardians whose only thought is to get your wrigglers back. Karkat, none of your self-flagellation. I don’t care how terrible you think you are, in front of the cameras, you’re doubt free. Got it?”

Karkat growls at her. She seems to take this for assent and moves on.

“Equius. You’re trickiest. I’m tempted to keep you on ‘no comment’ for the duration. Gog knows you’ll be doing enough talking on the witness stand. On the other hand, we’re going for public approval and the public has all these ideas about what ‘no comment’ actually means. So, my idea, if you’re comfortable with it, is to set up an interview. There’s a reporter who owes me a couple of favors. You and Porrim, if you’re both okay with it. If you agree to this, you’re both ‘no comment’ to anyone else who tries to talk with you. If you don’t, it won’t be a scoop and Sevrin won’t go for it,” she adds, when Porrim makes a sound of protest. “I know you’re angry and right now you want to sound off to anyone who’ll listen. But this is how you can be of the greatest use.”

Porrim looks at her for a moment, eyes narrowed, then gives a curt nod.

“Equius?”

He twitches, then coughs. He’s been sitting very still, like he thinks he can keep from being noticed if he doesn’t move. He begins to speak, but just then Nepeta places a mug in front of him. It’s thick and metal, with a monitor on one side. His face softens as he looks down at it.

“Of course,” he says, wrapping both hands ever so gently around it. “However you wish to use me -- that is. However I can help.”

Latula smiles over at him, satisfied.

“Uh, LT,” Sollux says. He’s standing with Karkat, again, letting his hand be wrung like a fabric shard. “Why not have me and KK interviewed, too? It’d be nithe to just do it onthe and get it over with.”

She blinks.

“Certainly, if that’s what you want. I had thought Karkat would wish to shout at as many story shouters as possible.”

Karkat growls again. Sollux speaks over top of it.

“Maybe, but I’d like to do something other than pap him every time he comes home from the supply depot.”

“I assumed you had to do that anyway.”

“N -- Only sometimes.”

Karkat growls louder and elbows him. Sollux pulls his hand free and wraps it securely around him, then kisses his horn. Everyone in the room finds something else to look at.

“Well,” Latula says. “I’m going to call Sevrin.” She walks towards the rec block.

“I totally hate you,” Karkat says.

“Beathtshit,” Sollux says, then releases him to go answer the portal.

**Author's Note:**

> We're looking at another hiatus. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this up and start posting again by December but we'll see.


End file.
